I really cant do this for much longer....my mind is screaming at me to do more...i dont want to be passed from pillar to post, I dont even want their help. I dont know what i want but i dont want to be rejected which is what is going to happen tomorrow. Its happened before and it will happen again and down i will go, although im not sure i can fall much further.
They dont want to help + I dont want their help = an ok situation
But in my head they are rejecting me...the crisis team have already, lets wait to hear what the cmht says....maybe it will be a total victory for the mental health system!! Lets block someone out who is suicidal out, lets not help them, lets take that chance, maybe she doesnt mean it, lets chance it.........little sh1ts......I hate them and what they stand for anyway so why am i bothered??
BECAUSE I DONT LIKE REJECTION!!
I know i have many flaws, I dont need them to confirm that by their actions.
Maybe I wont answer the phone tomorrow...Ill let hubby take it. Ill stay in bed all day and not open my eyes to the awful world that I live in. One day less to worry about isnt it
added..
I feel sorry for my doctor because i have confided in him and he knows everything and has done all he can and its going to be to no avail
I wish it was that day now...i really feel up for it...i feel so low.
The crisis team asked me how low i felt on a scale of 0 to 10...I said 1 but maybe its even lower, I dont know
Am I really such a bad person? Or maybe I have made a bad name for myself amongst the services...they all know about me....maybe they know just the bad things!!
Rowie...wake up...get to A&E and dont leave until you are secured and safe. You dont want to leave this legacy to your family. You have made great strides in the past and have overcome. You will overcome this too! Dont look at that date as the end...look to that date as another day you conquered! A day is just a day unless you make it worth your while. You will be amazed days, weeks , years later when you can say...it has been days , weeks, months, years since that day I was going to take my life. You will say...look how far I have come...Look how my children have grown...look how close I have come to my husband..look how I have overcome and conqured LIFE.
You have it in you Rowie girl!
Focus on the fact the team is trying to help you out.
Focus on the fact that you will get better.
Focus on the fact that you have many friends concerned about you right now, that care about your safety and your life.
Get off the bed...do something positive for yourself...YOU have to take that very first step. YOU did...Now take the next one to prove to self that YOU are worth every once of help. You will be running around the block soon again Rowie.
Rowie, i love you so much. i think you need to be in a hospital. im so scared for you and youre an ocean away.
we do thinkgs on impulse. have you handed over your pills? if not, PLEASE do so. i know youre struggling but you can get through this just like youve have everything else.
damn i miss our chats.
i love you to pieces sweet girl
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you Kath, Kat, Rain, Rachel, Carrie and Evility and anyone ive forgotten.
I had an unexpected phonecall today from the Cmht to say that I had an appointment with the psych and his assistant at 2pm...why his assistant has to be there god only knows. Im really scared and know i will drink beforehand
Ive harmed myself quite badly as a punishment for allowing myself to go..its the only way i will allow myself to. My hubby knows ive got an appointment, he took the call. But he doesnt know why and i havent the heart to tell him.
I bought some pale yellow coloured roses tonight to leave where Jo lost her life...it cant be on the actual date because it just cant, but it can be tomorrow..which means they will be in place for the 18th
Rowie sweetheart you need to go to the appointment.Please go.
i am so worried about you and i love you.
Please let them try and help you and please dont hurt yourself more tonight.
You dont see it but you deserve anything but to be punished and hurt.You are a wonderful, kind person and to me a very dear friend.And i truely mean every word.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
rowie, i know i havent been there for you recently and im sorry, but i have been checking in and im really worried for you, please make sure you go to the app, you wanted this, you wanted someone to pay attention and help you and now they are hunny please make sure you go, and stay safe xxx
I went to the appt...he was really nice
Went through loads of stuff and took notes
He said he needed to let my hubby know, so against my wishes he did
Im now back home waiting for a phonecall from the crisis team
Im not sectionable which is a relief but they want to put me in a place of safety for a few days.......
Glad he was nice, I know it sucks your hubby knows but I am sure your hubby will just want to support you. Is there any reason why your against going to hospital for a bit so you can be kept safe? *cuddles* Hold on there
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
A place of safety on your own terms seems like a good idea and it sounds like they are obviously taking you seriously for the first time hun which must be a relief. I think you should take up the offer.
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Thank you so so much for your replies and support...it really means somuch to me xx
Ive just had a call from the crisis team saying that they want to see me but not until tomorrow...could i stay safe? I was honest and told them that i didnt think i could. So I am seeing them at 6pm tonight at a and e.
I really dont know what to think because i dont want to be safe, it goes against all that i feel and believe in...but now that my hubby knows i feel as if i have to fight although i dont want to
I want to harm so badly just to know that i can because i might not beable to tomorrow....i want to scream and shout and fight against it all
i want to be free...free from all this mess inside of me
they were 'nice', but seemed to think that as i had a family and a roof over my head that i didnt have a reason to be in pain, hurting and needy,, BOLLOX!! Anyhow...i didnt say much in the little room off the a and e waiting area...I always know where those sort of meetings are going...no point in talking or saying much because it doesnt matter what you say, they have already got a fixed idea on how to treat my case.....
anyway, they are coming out to see me some time between 11am and 1pm. I have a doctors appointment at 9.30...and then i have the day to myself to do what ever damage i feel fit. One meeting in the morning/afternoon wont stop me.....it just goes to show what a total waste of time today was. Dragging my hubby from work twice today and yet again tomorrow.........im not worth that amount of time and effort
Im a little ****
and now my hubby refuses to give me my night time meds as he says ive got some....why the **** did i allow the psych to tell him. I feel like im losong control over a situation i had total control over. I need to get that control back and i will
