I made a first cut when my dad abused me. He didnt beat me that hard or anything, but I got really scared. He used to do that more often when I was little, so I remembered everything and got so freaked out. Self harm made me feel calm, in control. After that there were a lot of reasons, most of them were stress, numbness, anger..
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Because I become obsessive with the idea of it and then to make the thoughts go away I carry out the act of doing it.
But also because I feel the need to punish myself, for whatever reason I can think of.
And sadly, because I like to see it ): but I don't purely do it for this reason, this is sort of an after effect of the other two reasons.
I started cutting because I felt numb. When I am sad or angry, I literally go numb and feel nothing. Cutting was a way to feel the pain and release the anger. I needed something to help me feel... and that just happend to be what I chose.
I started cause i didnt know what else to do..
I do it to get a release/relief from anxiety/sadness/overwhelming feelings.
And also its punishment if im mad at myself or feeling im a bad person and deserve it.
I think its also validating my feelings to myself and gaining some control over something.
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
For me its a habit I can't shake
I have suffered from a pain condition called fibromyalgia for my entire adolescence,
I can't control that constant pain so I use a method of pain I've illusioned myself into thinking I can control.
Other than that i use it to ease overwhelming feeling be them negative or positive
you can't just dig into me, shove pointed needles into my eyes then ask what i see.. 誰もわかっちゃくれやしない 今 僕が苦しみ生き続ける意味を
It started as an accident. I was having a bad night (moody pre-teen with a stepfather, there were a lot of 'bad nights') and decided to take a bath. It was a good time to shave my legs. I simply caught the razor at the wrong angle along my ankle. What I felt wasn't pain, it was everything but. I took note about this feeling. The feeling of feeling things I had locked away, but being able to completely block out the actually physical pain of what I was doing...
Fast forward 10 years later (wow, it's amazing how time gets away from us,) I'm addicted to that feeling. I've been in therapy since Oct. 2006. I'm getting help, but I still do it. My therapist knows I still do it, but now it's for the old reason and different ones. For reasons previously mentioned and sometimes I just 'have' to. Not for the release, not for any reason other than because.
'Is this a bad dream or the best dream that I've ever had? What is waiting beyond the mirror, beyond the curtain, beyond what fades into the black...' -Chely Wright
I self harmed in other ways but never cutting, when I first started cutting it was purely out of curiosity but the reasons for doing it were the same, to block out the emotions I was feeling at the time.
Now I self harm for many other reasons, it can vary from punishement to pure boredom, i've always liked the feeling and now i've grown to like the scars..really like them.
It's pretty pathetic for me really: I began it to fit in *sighs*
Now? Well now I don't know how to live without it...a few months ago someone tried to get me to talk about what I genuinelly felt about things, not hiding behind a front just me speaking and I couldnt...because I express myself through my different SH whenever I'm scared or angry or pretty much any other emotion it is my release...and that's when I realised how dependant I am on it.
I guess when I started it was because I was numb. I was so depressed I didnt feel real, but I new the pain was real, it made me real it made me know I existed. I felt like such a ghost in my own life.
But skip ahead a few years and over the last few years I say i did it because I hated myself, and recently it was because I hated myself for not respecting myself and because I feel lonely being stuck at home all day
This is exactly the same for me.
The moment you feel like giving up, remember all the reasons you held on for so long.
I've reached the point of feeling like life is going nowhere. I feel like I have nothing to live for, no reason to live, because my life has been stuck in the same loop for the past five years and I don't see it changing in the future. I started to SI because it was something different; a new adventure I could look forward to. It took my mind off of the auto-pilot setting it's been on for a while now.
Most of the time I don't remember cutting, but when i do know i am doing it, it is usually through self hatred, to distract from bad thoughts and becoming addicted to it
I started SI because of guilt, I guess. I hurt so much all the time, and felt like I had no reason to hurt. (Who was I to hurt so much? So many people are worse off than I am.) So, I gave myself a reason to keep hurting. (That probably sounds increadably selfish... Sorry.)
i cut because i started not to feel anything and it felt good to be able to control how i felt and how much pain i put myself though and it wasnt up to the ppl that teased me at school
