Triggering (SI/OD) - Life is cruel

[crazykat]

*Hugs* Thinking of you

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs*

[mouse in darkness]

Thank you both for the *Hugs and hug you both right back*

Please anyone shoot me now!


I am so tired it is beyond a joke. Acting happy is really tiring. I make a show so that others think I am fine and to keep up with trying to secure paid employment.My mood is somewhere below the ground. It is back! I hate these feelings inside that I cannot even explain to their where abouts or origen. The thoughts and feelings are a joke. And I am a meer fool trying to make the workd I live in a better place for myself and others. Even if that world is a large prpertion of my head. Great. So please someone put this little black duck upon the shelf stuffed and all.


I am dying on the inside and the only help avialable I cant access or in the slightes achieve to access. Sleep deprivation is a cruel and harsh reality in day to day life. I want out I want peace, is there such a blissfull thing called peace?Or is it just a place we set inside ourselves to create the lucrative idealism that we are not utterly hopeless?


So maney questions so few awnsers. Where do we sit in life. Perhapse it is just the philosiphical part of my mind the creats the illusion that I am who I am. Who am I???

The question has been begged to be asked since I left my last place a chapter in my life that has been a great debackle to me. It informed me that you are who you are and no man can chage the fact that I might be a bit of a tom boy that rarely (never) wears make up as true beauty is within. People that have known me the longest might be able to help me find my lost identity. But am too afraid to ask. Perhaps I will not like this person maybe I will. Like a felled tree my roots no longer course through the sands of time but lay exposed to the cruel harshness of mother earth for all to see and and all to take a piece of.


I feel like a song by who I couldn't say, the name gone from my over active mind. But what it states is how I can understand the singers motives of. The line in particular is "So they cut me so I would fit".


Dreams of a lucrid mind can only reveal the insanity that consumes my heart and soul. I love the people I am close to and wish that there was an easy way to make all our problems go away but they are everlasting and a battle at the best of times.

Sorryabout the random irratic rant. Just goes to show how self obsessed I am. Bugger!

[mouse in darkness]

Am nutin' but a complete misery guts. Spent the last blinking half hour bawlin' over sfa. This is beyond a joke. If only there was a safe place in my own mind then maybe the world would at least represent some form of hope. Must be the stupid depression talking atpit.

This is what I sent to my mum for mothers day (had no cash):
Happy mothers day! On this day dedicated to the amazing women of the world I am honored to say you are , always and forever will be my mum. The pride and the amazing way you have raised me is an atributw to this love.


My mum said it was nice. I felt like s... when I had heard what my sibilings had given her. I love her so much wish I had been able to shower her with gifts rather than so few words, despite the fact that it came from the heart. Still feel lousy. One day I will be able to show her that I ccare a great deal.

Spoke to my dad yesterday. He is supportive to a point but doesen't push further. I think it might be just the fact that the less people know how much I am a faiure then there is less chance that it can be liked to the family. Am I fool to love them soooo blinkin much. I breaks my heart to hear from them I guess that is why I put so much distance between us. I have hurt them for so long is there any chance of reconcialiation?


Enough of my blubbery. Sorry for the wast of time. Perhaps I need to do what this icon is doing Stick a little bounce in the day. But how?

Will keep on trying. Please let me hide in that big black hole you have just dug, and be so kind to fill it or roll a hug rock on top?

[Kahlia1981]

*big hugs*
The song you were thinking of was Scar by Missy Higgins I think.
I'm sorry I don't have any words, all I can offer at this point are some gentle hugs and cuddles.
*cuddles you gently*

[mouse in darkness]

Thank you I think I kind of needed one or two hugs. Am greatful of your hugss and friendship. Councilor says there must be a problem to be so depressed. Who knows atpit.

[Kahlia1981]

There might be a problem, but remember that sleep deprivations upsets everything too. Maybe you can talk to a doctor about your sleep?
*big hugs*

[mouse in darkness]

Yup plan to when they decide that turning up at the drop in centre is a pleasant idea. "sigh in frustration"

[Kahlia1981]

*big hugs*

Try to be honest about your sleep. Maybe keep a "sleep diary" if you are able to. Give them as much information as you can, because then they'll have a much fuller picture to allow them to help you. A really elongated period of sleep deprivation can drop your mood so far into the depths that you feel like you can never return - just speaking from experience.

Try and take it easy on yourself. Don't worry about other people's expectations of yourself, remember that you deserve to be your own highest priority. Take some time to decide what you want - whether that be a move, or a job - and take some time thinking about what you need to be able to get there.

Miss you. *huggles*

[crazykat]

*Hugs* Don't really have much advice but just wanted to say try not to compare what you got your mum with what your siblings did. It is not the gift that matters but the thought. Hold in there hun.

[mouse in darkness]

Thank you both been away for the day or so. Got really sick on the way to volunty work and had to call in sick. But I got a call this afternoon for a job interview tomorrow I do hope it goes successfully. All I know is the pay rate and that it is monday to friday joab that envolves customer service. So Don't know. Hope to figure that out when I get there. At this piont any paid work that gets me off government payments would be good.

If I do get this job I will save up and visit some very important people that I care about. And my first holiday would be good. Be a nice change. I plan to visit Sydney, Brisbane and my home town. Only to catch up with all my friends and family. {Mainly friends that I consider family} I guess the old addage is right you can choose you friends but you definatly cant choose your family.

*Hugs* Kahlia and crazykat.

[mouse in darkness]

I am getting really annoyed. Am not getting any where. I got rejected from the job I applies for. They had an interesting question on the form I had to fill out befor I could do the interview. It was do you suffer any medical cinditions inclusive mental illness. Any false or misleading information will result in instant dismissal. Well if that doesn't smell of siscrimination I will be buggeed. The idiot doing the interview had his head so far up his bum that he rquired a 12 foot tooth brush to clean his teeth. More or less said, when my housemate found out who I went for the job interview with she said a few choice words after they fired her for having a mental illness after she started employment with them.


Am going to check out a new place to live in on sunday if I don't get it the hostel I live in will be transferring me to another long term hostel, in the same suberb. At least I won't have to worry about stuff going missing or people coming and going like they change thier undies.


I am feel like I am loosing the battle. I am paraniod to the piont I can't leave the stupid house. The only thing keeping SI under control is the fact that I am determined to prove anyone wrong.


I am running down a ravine it is dark and the walls are closing and. I am scared. This place has been traversed many times I know every rock sound and corner of this dark desolate place. Please someone turn on a torch I can no longer see the light at the end of this desolate forlorn place.


The house is lonly and cold it feels like there is no life within its despaired walls. I hope the girls will be able to get a good book from the library. At least I will have something to cheat my own mind with. It is a place best won through clever trickery and tall tails that occupy the imagination keeping its cruel taste for trapping us together in another world.

Sorry for the rant.

[mouse in darkness]

Got dragged out literally by housmates, they know something is up and know I don't want to talk about it. Even the workers suspect something although they aren't game enough to venture close enough to find out.

Running from my mind. It is driving me crazy. Feel so unstable and just a smidge paranoid (queen of understatement). Slept a bit better last night hope it sticks around, Get to see gp on monday (fingers crossed). Tried to eat and didn't work, ended up feeding my dinner to the stray cat we have dubbed "Sooky". The funny thing is that he is a real sook. He is a white and ginger cat that has had his tail docked. I hope it was only done to save his life, but for some reason I doubt it.

Want to keep fighting but feel like there is nothing left to give. Where do you turn to at this piont?

Digs a ditch and crawls in and pulls a large piece of wood across the entrance. Now it will be OK.

[mouse in darkness]

Bugger it another sleepless night. Housemate came home and said I looked like s***. Oh well. Spent the night in my room with the door locked hiding from the world listening to music. Decided to submerge after 9 so I could use the internet. I found out that my youngest housemate had been in hospital after being set apon by a gang. Don't know her wareabouts as she isn't awnsering her phone am worried for her. She is so young.

Bugger why do I have a soft spot for so maney people. Might go and hybernate till she comes home.

[mouse in darkness]

At the slightest sound I jump and look towards the back gate hoping and wishing it to be my little sister. I wonder where she is and how she is after her ordeal. Wish I had known so I could go and see her and would have organised transport to get her home. I hope they didn't hurt her too badly.

My mind is a field of worries the gang are having their short term party and it is ever increasing in volum they will not get the better of me they will not have the time to relise that they are in a ever increasingly short road I will recover and gain my mind back from thier grasp. It will not be long it will be a short and sweet victory and I will have the control.

Life is truley cruel they way it works but it is our perception of how we deal with life and the situations that arise. It is us who decide weather it is bad or good. So I will make the most of what I have and make it work for the better.

Determined not to loose I will make it through this dark and unlit night.

[mouse in darkness]

Bugger it. I have only heard that my youg housmate was given a taxi voucher and sent on her merry way. She still not home yet. Was discharged over 6.5 hours ago. Am so worried.

Sat out front waiting but couldn't sit still long wnough to be patient. Hard. So stupidly hard. All I feel like doing is SIing but can't then they will know. Bugger it. Seems to be favourite word at the moment well can't swear so choice is limited.

Am scared that if they find out I am far from ok then they will send me away. To where I don't want to venture. Can't even talk about it with anyone as this may incure a trip I definatly don't want. Me thinks it is linked to sleep. I hope this isn't a trip on DeNile river.

Might try for some sleep but brain won't shut off it just seems to hit the overload button and backs away, for an onslaught of thoughts that race around and I can't grasp them long enough to know what they are on about. Can't go out, Can't catch a train, Can't even get near a bus. Stupid head!

*Hides in a corner to let the thoughts slow down long wnough to understand their meaning.*

Well hopefully I will be able to stop rambling soon enough and be able to support others instead of being a self-centered pain in the butt.

Sorry to anyone who reads.

[Kahlia1981]

Hun I'm sorry that all I can offer you is some *hugs* and a listening and understanding ear. I really wish it could be more. I know you are concerned for your housemate, but the situation and the anxiety you are feeling there is going to be aggravating your own mental situation. I'm not telling you not to care, please don't get me wrong there, I'm just reminding you that you need to be gentle on yourself. You are not responsible for her and you have to remind yourself of that. It's good that you are able to feel for her safety needs, that you are able to care for her, but you also need to be able to take care of yourself while caring for her. Also, for short periods denial can be a good thing. The problem is when it becomes a sole coping mechanism. I hope that your housemate arrived home not too long after you posted and is well and has been cared for. I also hope that you are starting to do better. *big hugs*

[mouse in darkness]

*hugs kahlia back* Am greatful of your advice and hugs.

Well she got home. But is severly concussed had to take her back to drs today. Am seeing dr today.

Meh.

Can't trust self not good. Am hiding from self, because I am not doing great am totally in another world me thinks. Am starting to take after my name and don't know if that is good.

[mouse in darkness]

Last night was the first night in over three weeks that I got at least 4+ hours sleep. Am still not doing too well unfortunatly. My worker at the drop in centre I go to has now started to call everyday and has asked me to turn up at least three times a week. She said she noticed a change in me a few weeks ago. She didn't want to say anything incase I backed away. Says alot when people say that about you. I feel so scared I can't even judge myself in safty. Although I have promised that if I want/try anything I would ring for help.

It seems wierd but I feel so alone and isolated. And far from anyone. The thing is it is partly true. My closest support network is across the country, and I miss them so much. It hurts inside.

I don't feel like I can or am able to trust anyone except my family across the country (my two closest and dearest friends). But I know that they are having troubles at the moment so I don't want to really let loose on what my head is playing with. The ony thing I can possibly say to them is that I will make it through. I think/maybe?

It is so hard to tell anymore at where I am going. I can't even get to one of my most important goals. I plan to take the advice that they gave me as I let the kitten out of the bag, but not the cat.

But you can only pretend for so long befor you become numb to all that goes on within. Don't know how to stop the freight train that is heading straight at me and I can't move frpm its path (this is metrophorically speaking).
I guess this is the only way I think I can say what I feel.

[mouse in darkness]

Well been an interesting week been very low and very high in my moods. Don't know what to do bout them yet. GP upped medication to double and now I can sleep for 5 to 7 hours but wake up with a massive hang-over. It is basically the medication, as I very rarly drink. I think I will mention it to him tonight when I have to check in or else I will see the inside of a paddy wagon. Not happenin!

The worker helping me find permanent accom wants me to take a iq test. I think that is an overegsageration I am not that smart. But any who will have to see if that gets off the ground. She also wants me to try to go to TAFE or uni and get a qualification in accounting or book keeping.

I think it might be good to go to the library today it is relitively warm and the books look inviting. Atl east I wont have to run into anyone that knows me today. Don't feel particularly motivated either. So don't know if will end up traversing that far from the house.

*Pulls blanket over head and cries*