Triggering (Suicide) - Screaming won't go away. - Page 2

DannieGirl · 07-05-2010, 08:54 AM

have you tried an mp3 player on loud? i find it destressing too

what i do: i get my fluffy hello kitty blanket, get the book i'm reading, a notebook, a pen and my mp3 player, put the tv on and lay on the couch. i will put in my mp3 player on loud and just lay there and hope i fall asleep.

i've cut my arms up so much, they're in bandages so i can't do it on them anymore...my grandmother is making me fall asleep on the couch and she takes me to bed at 1am where i just fall stright back to sleep.

have you told any professionals about it? maybe you could ask for some diazepam...see if that helps?

weepingangel · 08-05-2010, 11:42 PM

Sometimes music can help and yes it is better when it's loud but sometimes it just doesn't touch on it.

Distractions are good but i can't distract myself all the time. This is pretty much constant. Most of the time it's not distressing. i forget about it even. But as soon as i think about it it's back and then i can't get rid of it again. That's not so bad, it's when it comes out of the blue that it's bad. i can't think, i can't breathe.

Sorry can you not talk about that. Sorry i don't want to me rude. But my arms have just about recovered and i don't want to hear about cutting right now, especially not cutting arms, even if i cut my legs it's never as good. i just find it triggering sorry.

i wouldn't ask for drugs. It's up to them to offer them if they feel that they are appropriate. i'm not sure how diazepam would help really. And apparently they can make depression worse anyway.

Thanks for your support though. Today has been a little better too.

weepingangel · 12-05-2010, 01:24 AM

Really struggling.
There's nothing anyone can do about it.
And CAMHS clearly just don't give a **** about me.
It's worrying cos i'm starting to feel tempted to do something really stupid and harmful just to make a point.
Just to point out that actually i really really need some help.
i know how attention seeking that makes me sound.
And i really really don't do this for attention.
Whatever some friends might think.
i just can't deal with this.
i don't know what i want.
Getting my head to shut up would be nice.
Stop making me think thoughts that aren't really mine.
i'm scared.
And i'm losing the ability to fight.

tamobhuuta · 14-05-2010, 07:02 PM

sorry i didn't get back to this. how are things? i hope you're safe.

weepingangel · 16-05-2010, 11:48 PM

That's ok. Thankyou.

Things have been ok. Well the same. Tonight's really bad. Was out earlier and i just couldn't stop crying. i don't know why. i don't know what's wrong. i just know that i feel like all i can do is cry. i want to talk but there's noone around. It's like my heart's just breaking. Nothing's wrong and everything's wrong. i was pretty catatonic [maybe not quite but almost] earlier which is never fun.

i'm safe at the moment. i don't know if i'll be able to stay safe though. i just don't care anymore.

Sorry.

tamobhuuta · 17-05-2010, 12:59 PM

you don't need to be sorry. things sound still very difficult. i'm glad you're safe at least. do talk here if it helps.

weepingangel · 17-05-2010, 09:31 PM

Thankyou. i really do need to talk.

CAMHS still haven't sorted themselves. i need them. My friend said today that i should see it as a good sign, that if they wanted to admit me to hospital [which i was convinced they were gonna do and really really paranoid about] then i would've heard back by now. She has a point. i don't get why they can't see how much i need this though. i really don't have time to be waiting around.

Today's been ok. Well it's been better than yesterday. Busy trying to revise. Not going well. i need things to get easier so i can do these exams properly.

tamobhuuta · 18-05-2010, 03:56 PM

that's a pain with CAMHS. it's horrible having to wait. hopefully they'll come through for you soon. i'm glad the day was better than before. can you ask teachers for extra help with revision? or would that not help?

weepingangel · 25-05-2010, 06:30 PM

Forgot to say but CAMHS finally got back to me =] i think it might have been the day i last wrote here. But yeah i'm seeing them tomorrow. Which i'm really nervous about. i'm gonna write a list of stuff to take to them with everything on so i can't forget to mention anything. i'll include this stuff on it.So yeah hopefully that'll help. Ugh shouldn't've started to think about it, i'm getting panicked now =/

Today was good, and yesterday was too. But the day before was awful. It's been more ed stuff than screaming lately though although i still get that.

Don't really know what to with exam stuff. i know i'll probably just not say anything and just hope for the best. It's not gonna go well though. Friends are trying to motivate me to study etc as much as they can but they can't all the time. i'm not sure i really care about the exams, about university about any of that anymore.

Well hopefully things will work out.

jen-x · 26-05-2010, 12:46 AM

Good luck with your appointment hun xx

weepingangel · 26-05-2010, 02:56 AM

Thankyou xx =/

tamobhuuta · 26-05-2010, 01:01 PM

hope it went/goes ok today. try not to worry about your exams, whatever happens i'm sure it'll work out for the best if you do what you can.

weepingangel · 30-05-2010, 05:43 PM

Sorry i didn't write back for so long. The CAMHS thing went so badly. i still don't really have words to describe it especially as my head got really fuzzy and confusing so it was hard to concentrate on what was going on.

tamobhuuta · 30-05-2010, 08:46 PM

*hugs* here to talk if you want, but take your time.

weepingangel · 05-07-2010, 01:35 AM

Haven't written back here in a while. So now for an update.

i went back to CAMHS and it was actually totally fine. Went maybe three times but then i had my 18th birthday. So last time i went which was Wednesday before last they put in a referral for me to see someone from adult services.

Bit nervous about that. But hopefully it'll sort quickly. Feeling very vulnerable at the moment and need help.

My doctor's a little concerned that maybe i'll have to see this lady i saw before. This "lady" is one of the most unpleasant people i have met ever. Just incredibly insensitive. Absolute bitch. My doctor agrees with me that she's not always very pleasant and that it definitely isn't a plan for me to see her again. Might not be her though.

And i've been referred to some online CBT thing. So i guess things are looking up healthwise.

Things have been really hard lately. Not helped by me stopping taking my meds. Even so things have been very very difficult. There have been good times. But i feel different. And really really not in a good way.