I'm glad you didn't act on your thoughts, hon. Have you told your GP about these suicidal urges? I really feel you should so that she can ensure you have the right support.
If it helps I can keep repeating to you that she's not abandoned/ing you, I understand how it can be with the need for repetition.
As for the looking at the news online, if you do feel the compulsion to look, could you maybe have a sticky note near your computer that says something along the lines of 'It's not always as bad as it sounds. I am not alone. People care.'
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
I so so need to hear what you're saying. I need to hear it. It's hard to take in.
That's a great idea for a Post It note. I find it hard to believe in part of me...but...
I mentioned the suicidal thoughts plan to my GP yesterday. I said how it was my unhealthy action plan to kill myself, and told her about my healthy action plan. She focused on the healthy aspect.
Thing is, when I'm talking with people, and being listened to, the shadows take a sort of back seat and a coping type self shows up. But the shadows are still there, like a pressurised volcano beneath. It's why I've been known to act out in therapy - where it's safe - because I am still learning how to express in words my deepest pain and insecurities and longings and aches and sorrows.
The problem right now is that I am in touch with the source of my intense fear and rage - about how I feel stranded myself, more even than those who might be physically stranded, because they are likely actually in touch with their loved ones and both sides know where the other is and they feel cared about. But, even though a therapy relationship isn't like that, and I know that in part of me, it doesn't stop the layers of raw feelings. Does that make sense?
I don't think my GP really believes me when I say I feel so suicidal. Because part of me that clicks into her positive outlook doesn't feel as suicidal. She's a great GP, but barely 'gets' the past undercurrents that govern my terrors and rages.
You see, even if I'd diverted coming home, and gone to the Central Mid. and asked to speak to the duty psych, by then I would be like speaking a recorded message about being unsafe, suicidal etc. Because the parts of me are so distant, separated out, even though I'm 'switching' around between them continuously. They wouldn't have paid any attention to me, would just have seen it as attention seeking. But if they get 'into' my head and wounded heart...
Yes, it's reaching for attention, and being as a child. Because the part of me that feels all this IS a child. A child with severe separation anxiety, reactive attachment issues, plus an unhealthy dose of oppositional defiance thrown in.
It all makes perfect sense to me, yes. I do get where you're coming from and I do understand. The important thing is that you keep trying, it's so hard to agree with and understand what's being said but you've just got to keep at it and keep trying to just accept it at the very least.
For now I think you need to try and keep yourself safe. If the hurting child comes out you need to be prepared to keep her safe. Do you have cuddly toys she'd be comforted by? Or any other sources of comfort? Definitely keep them around.
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
What I've noticed is that I can soothe myself at bedtime pretty well, and am ok through the night. But by 5am I'm awake and restless and anxious, and then my chest feels so raw and empty and painful, and that's very hard to soothe. It's marginally better after I've had a shower and dressed.
Sat with a twitter page open with latest and keep refreshing it. Alternating with BBC live online update thing.
Can't bring myself to eat.
Another scratch on arm.
Yes.
Sorry.
Stuck. Can't move. Frozen. Stuck in cycle. Completely alone. Isolated myself. Scared of how out of control I was in public yesterday. Not moving. Can't. Numb.
Wondering whether to contact my [ex] homeopath. As it's an 'emergency'. Trouble is my distress is caused by something he takes issue with and I feel judges in me rather than understands. I don't know what to do.
Work have an EAP scheme, they have counselling. But I don't know how soon I'd get support, if I needed it, or whether they'd be sympathetic to my issues.
Katie is there any chance you could contact your GP tomorrow and see if he would refer you on to the crisis team? Because they could provide you with a space to talk to someone face to face up to (I think) twice a day. Do you think something like that would help you cope until you know your therapist has returned and things seem more settled?
'My' GP only works Thursdays and Fridays. And she is the only one who at least partially 'gets' what I'm facing. When I saw another one when I was suicidal during a therapy break, she was at a loss, and said to me "we have to stop now as I've got other people waiting outside" and just left me.
All my flatmates are out and I've got some tablets. I had a wave of an impulse about 5 minutes ago just to start taking them. But I haven't.
It would help to talk to someone, yes. I'm planning on emailing my 'welfare type' manager at work tomorrow to see if she thinks any of the work support options might help.
And, if the worst comes to the worst, as it were, my flatmate's mum is a psychotherapist, psychoanalytic type, so she may have some options. But my therapist would probably want me to hold out until she returns. But I don't even know if she's stuck!!!! It's driving me... well, yeah.
Trouble is, anyone would probably say "you CAN cope". Thing is, what would be their definition of coping?
I have to go to work this afternoon.
Still stuck on twitter and BBC.
Still really struggling.
Maybe it'll be better being around colleagues I know, at least. But I still have to get there and back and I don't want to end up as out of control as I did on Saturday.
Just empty and despairing and feeling like giving up.
Sweetie *cuddles* I am sorry I did not see this sooner. I know it is hard, but if you have not already, you need to step away from Twitter and the news feeds. They will not do you any good, they will only increase your stress and anxiety.
I do not know how long you have before work, but I think you need to do something you find soothing between now and then. That, and do you think you could cope with a Taxi to and from work, so that the journey is shorter and in some kind of company? Or could you listen to some soothing music on your way?
*cuddles* Keep talking to us here, hun, I know you can get through this, I have faith in that.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Still a news hog. But. Even though I overheard a "that lady's mad" with good reason at me, on the way to work [I left for work at around 11], I coped really well at work.
And *things* are looking better. I'm starting to dare to hope a little.
*sits next to*
take care katie, i've unfortunately got no advice, but if you just want someone to talk to, feel free to message me
<3
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
