You're better than that. Seems like you hate a lot, but not much of which you should hate yourself for. Sounds like a rather self perpetuating cycle, which of course just makes it all worse.
Now let's talk about that silly motor bike. I don't know why the bank decided to refuse your loan, but there are other companies that you can talk to and possibly get different loan. And regardless, times are hard and credit can be difficult to come by. Talk to your Husband and see what he says. Maybe he'll have a different idea or take on the matter.
As for school and work, well it's difficult under the best of circumstances. School is kicking me around pretty hard at the moment. It's nothing to be jealous about :) And work sucks. I know times are hard and life is just plain difficult, but you really are doing amazingly well. Just hang in there and don't give up.
It's not wrong to have expectations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. They are good, actually. It's a positive, and gives you reasons to hope and dream. The only one punishing anyone is yourself. I personally think you've done more than enough, and it's time to hang out, and enjoy life perhaps?
You're life isn't pathetic nor is it an excuse for anything. You'll have your victory and it will be all the sweeter for the difficulty.
I got approved from a lending company, my husband's being mean to me over it...he has his bike and it's $10,000 loan...why can't I get a $5,100 loan? It's not fair...we CAN afford this
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery beause it means I have to let go...
I thought that he said you could, and I took that to mean you should. If he has his, the interest shouldn't be too bad. Maybe he's just stressed over something else. You seem to have wanted it for a long time, and it would make you happy. You deserve a victory.
Well, Melchoir, I agree in the fact that I deserve a victory but I just suffered a defeat...notes over $200 a month, Daniel says we can't afford it and I'm heartbroken. Just another example of my sh!tty luck in life...I hate it here!
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery beause it means I have to let go...
I'm glad that you got one victory, and I'm sure good things can happen for you if you keep trying, and you also deserve it.
Sounds like you are having a hard time with money right now and I undestamd what a strain that can put on things. Maybe daniel is acting in this way because he is stressed and also worried about what could happen, but I'd he still getting his own loan?? It seems a little unfair if he won't let you get one......tbh I just think this I the way men act possibly, if they worry about something they won't let you do it, but can do it themselves (no offence to anyone, just how my bf acts too sometimes)
Amen! He got a 4wheeler and a $10,000 streetbike and 2 cars...i have a wrecked car and a dotted line to sign to get that bike, i'm so tempted to just go sign it. ><
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery beause it means I have to let go...
I aggree with Nicola, if she causes you pain, dont.
Talk to us instead.
I have read your other post and this post so I know what its been like for you "sends massive cuddles".
Feel free to PM me anytime you feel like talking or venting to someone.
Thank you silent, I'll take you up on that sometime if I can get some time...I've been doing housework like a madwoman to distract myself...
I'm out of sharp blades and I'm scared, if the blade is sharp I don't need to go as deep because it'll hurt just as much if I make a few small ones...I'm so scared...Nightmares are back, so vivid...flashbacks so real
I don't wanna deal with this...I can't deal with this, does God hate me? I'm Christian and I was told he loves me...why is He letting these horrible circumstances get worse...
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery beause it means I have to let go...
No, God does NOT hate you. He loves you. Before you say anything, I know, it feels like he has abandoned us (im christian also) but he hasnt. It says somewhere in the bible, "draw close to me and ill draw close to you". Its true. God doesnt go anywhere - we are the ones that move closer/further away from him. He is staying in the one spot, waiting for you to draw close to him, to pray to him. He wants to have communication with you because he LOVES you.
I know when you are feeling so bad at the moment it is hard to see the truth but what I have said above is the truth and dont worry, you are not alone in feeling like God has abandoned you.
This is for all the people who've hurt me over the years...to each and every one of you!
Dear MJ,
I wish you'd just talk to me, I wish I could say things are better with me now but I can't. You'd still think I was a disgrace and a f*ckup if you passed by me. Do you think about me still? If so, are they good thoughts or is your heart filled with hatred for me? I remember how happy I was when you invited me to your house to spend the weekend and how we stayed up all night playing on Killzone and watching scary movies. Don't you remember the good times we had? Sushi dinners, prom, ninjas? Is it that you don't remember or you don't want to...? I still love you even though it kills me, and with every 'i love you' there is a scar on my heart with a scar on my skin to match. I need some closure, I'm beginning to believe the things you said about me...I hate myself much more than you ever could, so why not just come back? I still love you...your friend forever: Cami
Dear Mom,
Sometimes I wish we could just chat, like about the weather, dogs, politics, anything except what a failure I am. You always call me up crying and stuff when you're upset and I listen and don't mind to. I want to be able to tell you that I'm not okay and not have you tell me I'm being dramatic. I'd like to see you just once and not have you picking on the way I dress or my lack of makeup or that my hair's not perfect. I love you but you're driving me crazy...
~*~Cami~*~
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery beause it means I have to let go...
I think what nine said was right. You are not hated or abandoned, you have dont nothing at all to be hated for. I know it can sometimes feel like you are all alone and everyone is against you and it is really hard, or hard to see things any other way.
Maybe you need to reach out to god? or try to find more faith.
Keep faith, im sure things will get better at some point, you can not know everything that will happen yet. I guess its hard to see it positively, and it does seem unfair, but maybe bad things happen, or you are struggling for a reason, and you will learn from the things you go through and get something better when you come out the other side. We could experience pain in our lives so that happiness is true and more special.
Well my mother has this idea in her head that all Hondas are beaters...so when she called me and told me this lady was selling a beat-up 95 Honda I was thrilled. I thought OMG I'M GETTING A CAR!!!! Then she blew it off for a Maxima...a piece o' ***** Maxima. She doesn't know the year of the car, what type of motor/transmission is in it, if it's been wrecked, or even what f*cking color it is and wants me to blindly put $400 on it...I don't have money to throw away like that and she got mad at me when I told her I was looking for a car that was reliable and that I semi-liked and she just blows up on me...I give up
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery beause it means I have to let go...
I'm out of blades, the only comfort I have is that I ordered some new ones from a shopping website. That's kinda pathetic, but it makes me feel better just knowing they're there. It's funny how I have more people supporting me and helping me through my life on a website than I do in my actual day-to-day life, I can be myself here. No one's judging me, it's so freeing and just so, well, abnormal for me. I'm so used to being whoever and whatever my family/friend(s) want me to be that I kinda feel like I lost part of myself.
I'm babbling but sometimes when I get on RYL I tell myself," Now that I'm here all the bad things will go away, no one's here to judge me or hurt me, and no one will say bad things about me if I need to talk about my issue(s)" and I just feel so damned good. This site has really helped me and I'm so thankful for it, I hope one day when I recover (yes I said WHEN, not IF) I can be a moderator and help this site out. It's given so much to me.
I'm still neck deep in issues, but right now I feel a certain peace <prolly because I know my blades are coming in the mail in a few days, they're like my security blanket> I am going to try and make today a good day.
My husband and I are going to the zoo like we did when we first started dating, we're gonna take a buncha pictures of us actin silly as hell and lookin at all kinds of animals and we're actually going to get to talk and I'll be happy...yeah...new word for me....but I'll be happy...I'm going to accept who I am for just today and like myself...or at least try to!
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery beause it means I have to let go...
