It may not be pleasant ; but it's always possible - Brian Molko ♥
I was filled with incoherence .Theories of conspiracy .The whole world wants my disappearance, I'll go fighting nail and teeth .You've never seen such perseverance .Gonna make you scared of me,'Cause haemoglobin is the key - Placebo♥
After several more incidents of intensive interviewing by a whirl of nurses doctors and eventually CAMHS workers I was at last deemed safe enough to be allowed to return home. After a stiff and awkward car ride home I fled to my room, burying myself in my covers, childishly convincing myself that I could hide from the hurt, hide from the world.
Despite my lack of interest in participating in it, life moved on. School came around on Monday as always and I dressed with a familiar dread, running my hands nervously through my hair. My friend Jake and I piled into Mum’s car moments later and by this point my hands had begun to twist through each other, gnarled with anxiety.
After making our way through the usual morning traffic the car finally pulled into the car park. I gazed up at the familiar, imposing brown buildings and felt bile rise in my mouth. The moment Mum turned the car out of the gate I fled to the toilets, dropping my bag haphazardly in a corner as I raced against my serpentine stomach. Once there I vomited again and again and again, stomach groaning at this usual morning routine.
Eventually I straightened up, making my way shakily to the sinks to clean myself up. ‘Katy?’ I spun around, jumpy as ever, to find Shirley hovering at the door. ‘Jake said you were in here again,’ she said, by way of an explanation. Her eyes softened as she took in my pale face and streaming eyes. ‘I thought I’d come and check you were ok.’
‘Thank you,’ I murmured, the words grating on a throat raw and rasping.
‘School isn’t so bad you know,’ Shirley continued bracingly. ‘You have all of us here for you and we do have a laugh at break and in some lessons.’ I turned away to get my bag to hide the helplessness I felt as she spoke those words of comfort. To almost everybody else this was their attitude to school, they may not have liked it but they could deal with it. I dug my nails into the palms of my hands in frustration. Why was it only I who seemed to feel this full paralysing fear the moment I entered the building. What was so very different about me that made this place a living hell? Sighing I swung my bag over my shoulder and followed Shirley out as the bell rang for Form. Maybe, I thought as we mounted the stairs to the Form room, maybe I was just fundamentally flawed. With that cheerful thought I slid into my usual seat and attempted to join in the inane Monday morning chatter.
Last edited by Buttons. : 10-02-2010 at 04:53 AM.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
“Never lose faith in yourself,
and never lose hope;
remember, even when this world throws its worst and then turns its back,
there is still always hope.”
