Roiben had a brilliant idea of the timetable. It has helped me before.
Do update with how you're doing today.
Hugs.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
I've been at work today. I've got my period. It's heavy and painful. I'm tired. The weather is cold.
So it was hard to get through the full day of work. I wasn't very motivated. I really wanted to be curled up under a blanket next to a radiator with a good book and read all day... Also getting there, Katrina was out, over reacting to minor annoyances, and exaggerating awkwardness. Like this guy standing in the newsagents doorway, leaning on the lottery stand, filling out the forms, and with his bottom stuck right across the doorway space. Technically there was room to get past, but it felt too intimidating and not enough space. Katrina had a go at him, and she gave up asking him to move in the end, because he was being a ****, as it were. Or rather I took Katrina away from the scene. It's weird. I get into this vulnerable, rabbit trapped in headlights state, hyper-vigilant, and then Katrina storms in often even now without my being fully able to 'hold her back'. One of the things my GP said yesterday was that it's not the end of the world that I get into this defended state and act it out, but it does feel, from where I'm standing, acutely shameful and alienating. I'm still doing my best to reflect on it. One trigger today is my period - feeling the pain attacking me from the inside, and so going on the attack with those outside. Primitive defences have become very developed in me, which sounds a paradox, but isn't really, I guess, when you consider my past.
*Hugs Katie* Sounds like it's been a rough day, is there anything you can do to restore some calmness so you feel a bit more settled. Maybe try a nice hot water bottle curled up in bed?
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I saw my homeopath this morning. He's keeping me on the same remedy and same potency, just to take it more frequently as needed - every couple of weeks maybe rather than once a month. He told me to take a dose this morning, and so I feel somewhat chilled out and mellow as a result. I got from therapy, which I had right after seeing my homeopath, and slept for a while.
I'm still wobbly about the trainings at work tomorrow afternoon and Wednesday morning, but am holding things more in perspective.
Holding things in perspective is a good idea. I'm glad that your remedy helped. Have you tried to talk to your boss about your problems or is he inapproachable?
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
I've extensively emailed my managers the past couple of weeks.
They do know, and I have adjustments in place and everything. Just having had a lot of annual leave the past few weeks has made me feel very adrift and forgotten.
What if the chairs are set out in a circle? I really won't be able to cope with that. There's no escape, and no place to hide. Oh God. What would I do? I'd run out of the room. I'd get in trouble. I'm really scared.
If they are set out in a circle get near an exit and make sure there is enough space to get out easily. If they know that you could run out, then you are not going to get into trouble. If the person isn't aware of your difficulties either tell them or just say you're not feeling very well and may need to leave if it gets worse.
Yes, I think you should tell the trainer that you may need to leave at any time. I do that when I have to go to groups etc. And I have left sometimes, only to come back in later.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Katie *cuddles* I have social anxiety and simply say to whoever is training that I may need to step outside at some points to re-focus. If you really can not tell them that, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, you can splash your face and re-focus there.
You can get through this, and are an amazing person, remind yourself of that.
Thinking of you, hun
*hugs*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I ended up crying loads this morning. I'll add more details when I get in from work.
But at least now I've been able to form a bridge between me and 5 year old me.
One hour to go.
It's hard because not many people seem to understand why this is upsetting me so much. They say that I know most of the people etc. Thing is I know that, but they don't know 5 year old me, and she doesn't know them. And it's really now staring me in the face how deep the dissociative divide is. It's both a shock and a relief to understand this.
Although it's indeed trauma stuff that is causing me the problem, it's also less 'typical' trauma stuff. The confusion and alienation and lostness of an insecure 5 year old girl starting school for the first time.
I got through this afternoon's. So that's nearly half way. And, hopefully tomorrow morning's will be easier because I did today's.
But. Ick. I could only, it seems, get to a place of feeling in a better self to cope with this afternoon by falling into a complete child state and running out of the room bursting into tears when my manager picked up on something I'd missed out on an invoice stamp. Basically the feeling of being overwhelmed and such overtook me. It was the only way I felt able to break through, although I was so vulnerable it could have happened any time, and better in the relative privacy of the office than in a huge meeting with half the council department staff. My manager did speak to me, when I emerged from the toilets with red eyes, and it did help. I hadn't been able to speak up before then today.
It really is yuck that the only way I 'know' of getting my needs met is to fall into total Trini/child space, but I'm trying not to judge it, and look at the whole perspective.
This afternoon was fairly cope-able with. It's just that a senior manager was sitting on our table when we did the group activity, and I wasn't 100% sure that it was her and not someone else, and my brain didn't compute with my mouth, and was way more vocal in what I contributed that I should have been to be 'safe' and feel comfortable. Mind you, I get so self critical that it's hard to tell. But 'careless talk costs jobs' and all that.
Hey Stellata,
****hugs****
Take it a day at a time.
You are loved.
Last edited by bitomato : 01-12-2009 at 06:42 PM.
Reason: didn't read whole thread
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Just offering my hugs to you. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
*sits next to and offers hugs*
hope tomorrow morning goes kay <3
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
I'm scared. I'm scared of how desolate and alone and lost and frightened this little 5 year old girl inside me is. I'm frightened that as I approach her more closely, as needs to happen to help me heal, the further I diverge from my confident-ish adult self. It's part of finding balance, but it's frightening and vulnerable and exposing.
