i have been here, though not married, but as good as. i always said that i would never stay if he cheated, but when he did, it was totally diferent. i was angry and hurt, and i didn't think i would come through it, i didn't think we would come through it. but we worked hard to get it back together. cos we loved each other.
i am not gonna say it was easy, i am not going to say that it didn't mess with my head, even years after. i had to learn to trust him again, and that was the hardest thing. when he went out with friends, i would wonder who he was really with, and i had to learn to keep this inside, it was like it turned into my problem, not his, i you know what i mean?
i don't regret staying with him, we had 7 more years together, and i wouldn't change that for the world. he was my meant to be. i never once regretted my decision to stay, even when things were really hard. even now when he has been the worst prick in the world to me, i don't regret trying, i don't regret those years.
i never used it as ammunition, though it was tempting at times, you learn to keep it inside. i even learned to let him go out and stuff.
what i am trying to say is if you love him, you can make it work. the best advice i can give you is never look back. noone can know what the future holds, but i know that had i not tried, had i not given him that chance, i would have regretted it for the rest of my life.
anyway i hope telling you this helps you, makes things seem clearer for you, and i hope it works out for you. good luck, x
Sometimes it is easier to hide where noone knows who you are.
Thank you for all of the advice and opinions. It's always good to hear what people think and I'm glad you're all being honest with me.
This might not work but yes, I think I have to try. I too, always said I would never stay with him if he cheated on me, but it's easy to say when you're not in the situation!
Now I am, and I can only work out what is best for ME, and second, what is best for us as a relationship. I don't know those answers yet.
Although, having him stand on a roadside with a sign could be more than interesting! ;)
I'm ok Jess, I think? I don't really know. I've become a little more paranoid than usual, but about everything and everyone. Not greatly so, I'm not a twitching wreck or anything. I'm just cautious and thoughtful about everything that happens right now.
All I know, and this is genuinely ALL I know, is that I love him. I've always believed in my relationship with him and my marriage too.
If the first year is the hardest, roll on the ****ing second year! 'Cause damn, this is hard.
Love,
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
Hey missy :) You sound more positive then you did before which is very good to hear :) I was speaking to my grandma about this *not mentioned who you are and stuff or anything* and she, whilst being very shocked that someone could cheat, said fighting for it is the only way to go. She also suggested marraige counselling but I'm way ahead of her on that one :P
*cuddles*you have amazig courageto figt this iz :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I know exactly where you're coming from. Because earlier in the year my hubs did the same to me, we'd been married 11 months.
We'd not been getting on and things were tense, and this woman just appeared out of the blue because of another friend, I really think it was just the excitement and the fact that there was something different that led him astray. She was also a friend of mine, someone that in the beginning I thought could actually be a really good friend. She had a boyfriend she was with for 5 years before this happened. she was only 21 though, I'm 23, my hubby is 26. She abused my trust and took advantage of him when he was at a low point. At the end of the day she was just a silly little girl who is very messed up in the head and doesn't know what she wants. She is still like this btw from what I hear from other people.
Long story short, I moved out, for 5 weeks, it was the toughest decision I ever made and for the first week or so we didn't speak at all, and we both got to very low points, but slowly and surely we started to put the excitement back, we went on dates and not spending every second together actually helped us get on better and get back to where we used to be, it was a good thing. Unlike you I know a lot of details about what happened between them and that hurts a lot when I think about it sometimes but I would rather know than wonder about it because I would drive myself crazy wondering. It took that 5 weeks of not being together for us both to realise how much we meant to each other and how much we wanted our marriage to work. It would have been easy to walk away if we werent married but I honestly believe that if we hadn't of been married then we wouldnt be where we are today, which is stronger than ever and expecting our first child. It's not been perfect since I moved back but I could never have just upped and left, I love him with everything ive got and I just couldnt let that go, people have said I'm crazy for getting back with him but i just couldnt contemplate my life without him, he is my everything.
If you want your marriage to work and you want to be with him then do everything in your power to do that, I completely understand where you are coming from. If you need to chat or anything hun then please pm me anytime. (Sorry if I've rambled)
Jen x
Jen, thank you so much for sharing that. I know how you're feeling and it can't be easy to put all of that out there for a perfect stranger to gain strength from.
My problem at the moment is this woman and I mean woman, she's 31 years old, is still around. He's weak, he always has been, and he hasn't told her he doesn't want anything more to do with her. The problem is, she can cause him alot of trouble at work. And she's not the most stable of people it would appear. He's worried about what she might do when he tells her.
A pot and a bunny spring to mind!
I've had to give him an ultimatum. I told him yesterday when we went for a drink that it was the last time he would see me until she is out of our lives for good. I cannot even begin to work this out until I know he is dedicated and right now I need grand ****ing gestures. He needs to prove himself to me and this is the only way he will be able to do that, as far as I am concerned.
I know details, lots of them I didn't want to know, and plenty I don't know and hopefully never will.
The thing is, I'm a tough little bitch. Strong minded and self-assured now. I've has a big brave face on lately, and this week I've laughed and been happy. But the last two nights, and this morning, I'm in tears all the time.
I'm breaking down and I'm seeing him with her in my head. These are the things I have to work through, I know that! But it's still so painful.
I want my husband, I love him and I need him here with me. Dedicated to me, to making this work, to us and our relationship.
This is it, his final chance to show me he is serious and sure about our marriage.
I've never had more doubts about anything in my life, but nor have I ever wanted to fight so much. I've never needed to do what I want quite so emphatically. This is going to take strength I don't know if I even have yet.
And never have I felt more tense and insecure.
I just hope he makes the right choices here, and hope is all I really have.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
Hope is a marvelous think darling and can sustain you through the toughest of times. I am SO sorry this is happening in your relationship now, especially when it's still new and fragile. I hope that ded picks up his game, finds his balls and does what needs to be done. Me... i'd have a "little chat" with the biatch who is the other part of this. But, that's me and i'm a vindictive cow :P
DOn't worry honey, you will be happy and laugh again! I hope it's soon for you!
*cuddles* I hope this works out. I really really do. *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Not alot of point me adding to this as most has been said.
You are RIGHT to fight. 100% right and dont let anyone tell you diferent.
Although i only knew him briefly i can tell D isnt malicious and wouldnt have done any of this to go out and hurt you.
Often when someone cheats it is becaus of their own sense of lack and rarely to do with something they see lacking in their partner.
Izz im not sure i would have read the strong words you have written a few years back. I fear you would have just crumbled and become destructive. What an amazing positive in all this **** to see how far you've come.
I think you are lovely with the best eyes in town :P
Thank Jess. It's taking all I have to not go and smash her teeth back down her own throat. But she has no ties to me, she isn't responsible for my marriage. I blame her too, don't get me wrong. But it's not her I'm married to and I want HIM to get himself out of this hole. I don't want to help him to be honest!
Maffew, thank you. And you're right, a few years ago I would NEVER have had the courage to write it down let alone mean it. And I do feel strong, because I have faith in my marriage. He has so many problems he has carried around since he was a young boy and I think (in my knowlegde of psychology and therapy!) that this is all caused by those issues. By his lack of communication and his childhood traumas that he has never fronted out and dealt with head on. He says he wants to do that now, and he wants me. As far as I am concerned, the two are hand in hand and he must get that off his back before we can sort through the reaction to these causes.
I'm so tense now though. We're not in contact, upon my ultimatum, and now I am waiting. And I'm ot a patient person when it comes to matters of the heart. I want all or nothing as much as I miss him, and believe me I ****ing miss him like I've lost a limb, it's becoming now or never.
I want all of him, and she deserves nothing.
Nothing.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
I still haven't heard from him, he obviously hasn't told her yet.
I don't know what to do with myself. It's a bad sign when the internet stops distracting one!
I just want him to make this ok, desperately.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
I know we have never really spoke, but i have read A BUNCH of your posts....From you, to you, started, replied...bunches.
I said that to say how impressed I am over you. From where I am I see that you are a fabulously beautiful woman who is very compasssionate about her loved one and friends. I love the way you are so upfront and honest with us and yourself. I honor you and would love to have that quality. You do what you need to do in your marriage. I have been in mine for just over 15 years. We have been through hell and high water, but we fought through it. It may hurt, sting or even have a piericing pain, but if you want it to work,... it can. Keep commited to yourself and the couple thing will follow.
I hope you understand what I am sayign because my mind is racing a bajillion thoughts right now.
I am behind you supporting you. I am in front of you giving you hugs. I am beside you fighting all the way.
Wow Rain, thank you so much for such lovely words!
It's nice to know there are some more positive thoughts out there for me.
Gawd knows I need them at the moment. I too have read alot of what you've said over time and I have to say you too are very honest. You're lovely and any friend of Romp is a friend of mine :)
I still haven't heard anything from him. This is so hard. I'm not sure if I can do it. I'm in pain. Not all of the time, but most of it. I'm working SUPER hard to try and take my mind off of this but all I seem to do, in any thought process or conversation, is come full circle and it's all I seem to be able to think about. I'm checking my phone every 5 minutes. I'm checking facebook, my emails. I just want him to tell me it's done so we can move on.
I'm done with feeling like this. Absolutely done.
(Oh, and you call me Iz. All of my friends do! )
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
just to say i think you're right - he needs to commit himself by breaking with her, you are being so strong in fighting for your marriage, but that's the minimum he needs to do to keep it going, otherwise you keep going round in circles indefinitely
Oh Iz, im sorry you havent heard yet. I owuld be climbing the walls tbh.
Just because he hasnt done it yet doesnt mean he isnt going to. But it is so hard to wait, i can imagine.
like you said tho, he ahs problems which led to this happening, so because of those problems i suppose it isnt as 'easy' to get back out of it...even tho we would like to think it is, he should just do it, etc. That thinking wont help any.
NOT making excuses for him, but i know i would be thinking, "oh. He must not want to at all or he would have by now."
Thus making myself feel even worse and more insecure.
I think, hard as it is, its better in the longrun for him to do it entirely on his own, and not exclusively to 'make you happy'.
I hope that made some sort of sense :\
Luv ya izzie
I don't know you but I read your thread and I wanted to send you an enourmous hug. I'm married too and my husband is my heart and soul. I have no idea what I would do if this had happened to me, so I just wanted to say you are awesome for being so brave through this. I truly hope things work out, I also want to echo what romp said (apologies, if I'm being rude shortening your username!) and say, that he needs to cut this woman off for himself, as well as to ensure he is making you happy.
Ginny x
Play the game out
Amor Vincit Omnia
Dad 10/11/2008 Always our sunshine, I'm still playing for the town hall clock
Thank you all, and you're welcome to call me Iz :)
Well I heard from him last night. I sent a few 'Hi, how are you' messages. He is still my husband for god sake.
And he has never been great with his phone. It had been off (He's trying to avoid talking to most people, and she is calling him 20+ times a day), plus he works nights so he's asleep when I'm hanging around thinking about him and then I'm asleep when he can talk. Complicated!
Basically, he said he knows what he has to do and why. And he said it will be dealt with by the end of the week.
Yes, I know. My mum also thought 'I don't know why it takes a week', but it IS a positive step. He knows he has to do it if he has any chance of saving his marriage.
I know he's hurting too, he knows what he has done and is beating himself up much more than I could right now.
But I also want him to know that I do love him. I want to send him at least one or two positive vibes aswell, otherwise he's going to think I don't mean what I say when I tell him how I feel.
I do want this to work, it's just going to take a long ****ing time and alot of work. I'm ready for it, I just need to know he is too.
Communication has never been his strong-point.
We'll have to wait and see. As much as I would LOVE to sort her out myself, I really don't want to. This is NOT my problem and he has to do this for himself aswell as for me.
I suppose I need to get used to how hard this is, It's going to be hard for a long time yet.
Thanks again, I'll keep updating. Trying to talk to you everyday because it helps me but I also don't want people to worry unneccessarily.
Love love,
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
Its good to hear some bit of positive Iz.
I really believe he will, I know how much you two have.
Good for you, I think letting him know you do still love him is a good thing. How is it going to help either of you and your marriage to simply keep reminding how hurt you are, how awful he was, how much he screwed up??
It isnt!
He seems well aware of that, which is a good thing too.
Idk..not making sense, forgive me :P
I think when this bit is done, it will get quite a bit easier tbh. Then you will be working together in more ways, if you get that?
And you better keep updating!!! Have to know how our loverly Izzington (AKA the queen of all good things rubber) is getting on
sending you much love babes
xxx
if he's not good at communicating it might take him this time to psych himself up to say it and sound like he means it and stop her from returning/becoming a stalker etc.
end of the week, not long now iz, lots of love and rubber, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
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