I phoned Duty about 4 times before I got through. I spoke to one of my previous CPNs. She said the changes to my support might be making my mood lower and triggering things. She said there could be a noise in my house and my mind is connecting it to the other world stuff making it distressing. She said to give my med increase some time but someone can talk to my psychiatrist if things don't improve. I don't know what my psychiatrist would be able to do if anything. Surely he wouldn't increase my Lurasidone again so soon. I don't know if he would change some of my meds or increase other ones or introduce new ones. I actually right now don't feel like I have any motivation to keep trying things. Last night I said out loud in my bed to please make me die in my sleep and I meant it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can't get it out of my head that I am going to bump into my supposedly dead twin. It presented itself to me last night. I even know that her name is now Alice. I think she was actually adopted by someone when she was born to keep her away from my evil. I often wish that my brother and myself had been split up so I wouldn't have been able to hurt him and he'd probably be in a better place right now. A small part of me thinks my mind is such a mess right now with this and the other world possibly opening up in my house but a bigger part of me is convinced that I am seeing things more clearly.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Don't have many words. But try and hold on to the part that says you are struggling right now. Rather than the part that wants to believ in the otherworld and the dead twin conspiracy. As both of these things sound unlikely to be true.
Thank you. I can never get away from the other world being 100% real but I think the noise in my house is decreasing. I feel stupid for believing that my twin is alive and I'm more thinking that it's not true now but still a bit of me is scared about bumping into her. I wish I had (healthy and stable) parents alive to ask questions. I didn't go to the gym today because of my mind presenting scary stuff and lack of motivation because I haven't been for ages. It's not good, I'm putting on weight. Plus the rain was putting me off. I need to get back to the gym so I can have a bit of contact with people too.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think it was closer to the end of the month, I can't remember. I have tried phoning Duty today but it went to voicemail and I didn't leave a message. I was thinking of asking if they could ask my psych if he would increase my antidepressant but Google says I'm on the maximum dose although I'm sure on other meds I have been allowed to go beyond the maximum dose before. I don't know if there are any other antidepressants I can try, I have been on so many. I wish I knew how to make the evenings easier at least. I can't think of any solutions and I'm really scared because things are getting unbearable.
Noises are becoming difficult to cope with again too. I absolutely hate when people are vocal on the football pitch behind my house. Last night someone kept making a repetitive howling type noise. I can't even have peace in my own house. Even putting on music over it is painful and distressing. I don't know what using ear defenders would be like because I have tinnitus. I can't win.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't know if I can phone Duty today. Or at least not until I'm in a huge panic/crisis mode. My psychiatrist told me to phone them more often, not just when I'm in a crisis but it really doesn't work like that. They're busy.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I know. But other people must be more important, since they put me last on their list thinking I'm ok. I tried phoning earlier but it went to voicemail. Don't think I will try again today.
I'm getting fearful about going out but don't know why. It seems like every distance is too long and too much being outside. It feels daunting. This is a very recent thing. It feels like more and more things keep going wrong.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I quickly spoke to Duty yesterday and asked if they could email my psych about how I have been recently. Someone phoned me today and said my psych is going to increase my Trazodone. The thing is I was actually coming off Trazodone with my previous psych but something more important came up so we stopped and I was left with a straggler 100mg. So increasing it will mean I've already been on that dose and stronger before so I don't think it will help. I feel so hopeless. I also feel very lonely and don't know what to do about it. When I went to the chemist today two of the workers were having a laugh with each other and I wished I had people to have a laugh with regularly. My brother is struggling too. It's all doom and gloom.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I was making my dinner and all of a sudden felt a full body heavy suicidal-ness. I hate my brain. I really don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how much more of life I can take but I also don't know if I can find a way out. It hurts.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I know how tempting a way out feels. But I also know that suicide is rarely an easy way out and often does t go to plan. And even it does you aren't here to experience the relief.
Thank you. I was safe enough as I was scared to go to the train station because it was dark. It's just the overwhelming feeling of being suicidal that I don't know how to deal with. It's too much.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
