Life, please... no more - Page 19

Kahlia1981 · 29-10-2009, 10:53 AM

Day 4 of the seroquel trial. 300mgs of seroquel 10 of olanzapine. Voices still bad as are visions. Workouts going well though. Over 2 hours of exercise today. Just got to keep my fluids up. So much I want to say but can't .... Meh.

crazykat · 29-10-2009, 11:49 AM

*hugs* Sorry to hear your still struggling, hang in there

Kahlia1981 · 29-10-2009, 01:13 PM

Thanks Kat.

I can't sleep. I think it's because my boy friend is treating me like just a friend - even though that's all we are at the moment - and talking about marrying random people because "they can cook", "they can dance", "they can sing" all stuff I can do. I've cooked every meal we've eaten this week and I can definitely sing and dance. I'm still hurting over his decision to break up the relationship. I feel totally like crap.

crazykat · 30-10-2009, 02:45 AM

*hugs* I have no words but wanted to let you know I am here for you

Kahlia1981 · 30-10-2009, 05:54 AM

I feel like I'm caught in a tide and being dragged out to sea. I should feel pretty good but instead I feel like everything I touch turns to *****. I am having problems with my study for SP1 next year in that the reading that I can do I can't complete the examples with the software I have. The two aren't compatible is seems so I'm just reading and reading the code without being able to see what it really does.

I feel so lost right now without my parents being close by. I feel like ending it all. I just want to sit and cry..... I feel like I'm never going to reach any of my goals.

I just feel that it's all a waste of time now. God let me get off this world for a bit so I don't have to deal with everything happening at once. I need some respite, some peace. I need my housemate to accept my love and return it (which he does but doesn't know how to show it) and for us to be more than just friends again.

I know ..... I'm pathetic.

crazykat · 30-10-2009, 10:25 AM

I know its hard but I promise you it's not a waste of time, you can and will get through this. Here if you ever need to talk. Take care
Kat xxx

Kahlia1981 · 30-10-2009, 01:19 PM

My housemate basically told me tonight that there will never be anything between us and I should move on. There's just one problem .... I can't. He told me I'd find some nice guy once semester started but .... I don't know. I just want to burst into tears...

Kahlia1981 · 30-10-2009, 11:45 PM

I didn't sleep last night. I battled the cutting war but made it through without damaging myself. My housemate has just told me that I'm not doing the shopping with him because my hallucinations were severe. It's nice that he's thinking about it but ... I don't know. The feeling of being caught in the tide is getting stronger every day. Soon I'm going to get swept away. I just hope nothing too major happens when I do.

Merc · 30-10-2009, 11:49 PM

Can you get in ctc with your doc? It's sounding like the switch of meds is getting too much.
Not sure what to say...just here if you need...

crazykat · 31-10-2009, 07:06 AM

*Hugs* How are you feeling now? I hope some of it has settled for you. Hold on sweetie *hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 31-10-2009, 10:27 AM

I hallucinated my way through today. Visual and auditory hallucinations just not stopping. They've slowed a little because I took an olanzapine as PRN and have now had my evening meds. But I need to make sure that I sleep tonight so I'll be taking a PRN Xanax. 2mg of that and I should sleep like ... something that sleeps well. Then I'm up early in the morning to do my exercise dvd before it gets too hot. Then a shower and work out what the hell to do with the rest of my day. Meh.

I feel deep sadness. I feel like breaking my SI-free streak. Meh.

crazykat · 31-10-2009, 11:43 AM

*Hugs* I am sorry things are so so tough right now, I wish I could make it better I really do. Anyways I am sorry I am crap for advice now but keep fighting you can and will get through this *cuddles*

Kahlia1981 · 01-11-2009, 07:37 AM

Well I slept like a log last night and this morning the hallucinations are better. Not gone 100% but gone enough to make life slightly more bearable. I even managed to do a walk down to the shops without having too many intrusive hallucinations.

My mood is still pretty black. I think I need to ask to get my lithium serum levels tested because the exercise I am doing will have an effect on them but I don't know whether it's a good effect or a bad effect.

I ate too much today but I should be able to curb it for tomorrow. It's just long periods on my own bring out the worst in me when it comes to eating. It also brings my ED to the front of my mind and stresses me out. I don't want to have an ED but I have to admit that I do have one and I can't control it properly right at the moment.

Hopefully things will get better when I see the GP tomorrow.

crazykat · 01-11-2009, 11:39 AM

*Hugs* Glad you slept well and the hallucinations are a bit better. I hope all goes well when you see your doctor tomorrow

Kahlia1981 · 02-11-2009, 03:40 AM

The GP upped my dose of the Seroquel and said that I needed to be watched carefully because I told him that my housemate had stated that I was extremely quiet and that's a sign that I'm heading towards an OD or something. I had to promise my GP that I wouldn't OD on the Seroquel. He's now prescribed me 300mg tablets with still using the 100mgs for the week. We are aiming for 600mgs by next Monday staying as long as possible on 500mgs. The 100mg tablets are to be used as PRN.

It all seems so complicated. *sigh*

I rode my bike to my doctors appointment today and when I got home (after rehydrating) I did my workout DVD. I think I might try and walk up to the shops later. Just to keep my muscles working. We'll see how I feel a bit later on.

crazykat · 02-11-2009, 05:38 AM

*leaves lots of hugs for you* I hoped the upped dosage helps. Keep fighting your doing well despite everything. Take care
Kat xxx

Kahlia1981 · 02-11-2009, 10:39 PM

Thanks Kat.

I feel semi-okay this morning although my housemate tells me I look upset. I woke up almost half an hour before my alarm went off and can already feel the aches and pains settling in for the day. My mood is still low, it just doesn't want to rise... but who can blame it.

Yesterday afternoon we cleaned out the fridge and found that we had little to no food in there that wasn't out of date or of such poor quality that we couldn't eat it so we had to go riding down to Coles to do some shopping. I paid for the shop even though it wasn't my week to because my housemate would have needed to transfer some money over to his other account and hadn't done so. The ride there was excruciatingly painful with my legs starting to shake as the lactic acid built up inside them. Coming back wasn't so bad - partly because somehow the seat lock on my bike had been unlatched and my housemate fixed it for me and raised the seat .... which caused it's own problems because I felt like I was going to fall off the bike everytime I had to stop. But meh.

I think we are going back to finish the shopping today but first my housemate has to go and see his psychologist and I'm intending on doing my workout dvd to sort of warm up my muscles incase I do need to do such a long ride again.

I spent the last of my birthday "money" yesterday getting some new clothes that were long overdue. I have to buy more clothes as I'm getting slimmer but I want to wait until I'm a solid size - not halfway between two sizes. I do have some clothes sitting there waiting until I'm able to fit in to them - hand-me-downs from my sister - but I want something new as well. I want to be able to walk into a shop and try on any clothes I like and have them look good. A big aim but with all the exercise I'm doing I should get there. I just have to learn to control my eating patterns. Not necessarily three meals a day, just no binging, purging and restricting.

I took the 500mgs of Seroquel last night and have had no bad effects from it at this stage. I'm going to wait until Saturday to go up to the 600mgs and keep my 100mg tablets for PRN.

Merc · 02-11-2009, 10:46 PM

just to leave some hugs
you are doing so very well. pls be careful with the exercise tho, ok?
xx

crazykat · 03-11-2009, 05:49 AM

*cuddles* Keep going sweetheart, your doing well

Kahlia1981 · 03-11-2009, 11:46 AM

Well today was quite busy. This morning I did my workout dvd and, when my housemate was out, walked down to the shop. Later on this afternoon we rode down to the supermarket again and did some more shopping - although less than yesterday and I fared better on the bike. Tonight we went to a buddhist meditation class and it was quite interesting although I don't know if we'll be going back. That required another bike ride including lights. I found that the front light on my bike's holder had come loose and the light started to spin which was frightening and disconcerting. I managed to get it to sit so that it didn't point at the ground but had to play with it once or twice.

My mood or affect is still down. I don't even laugh at The Family Guy at the moment. Which normally has me laughing. And I keep sighing. And when I eat all I get is the texture not the flavour or anything. Sometimes I seem to be seeing the world through my sunglasses so everything appears dark. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

I see my new psychologist tomorrow. I've made a promise to my housemate that I'll be completely honest and open with the tdoc, and I intend to be but it's a first session and without knowing me I'm not sure what he'd be able to do.

I just wish I knew what I could do that would make me feel better...