We're really scared about our session today. We told T to push Ash aboutm the boys from the labrynth.... We know she will stop if we say need to, or if she suspects its too much for us, but we're scared of doing it anyway.
We've had A LOT of anxiety about Ash's mum, trying to manage her. Though we had (Ash mostly but with some co-consciousness) coffee with her about 20mins ago. We are in the coffee shop across the road from T, having another coffee, and will then have another again when Ash's girlfriend gets here. We are going to be buzzZING.
Ash is getting leak-through mania due to stress.... We think that could be Jesse, but not sure just now.
We got a card from the Dad for our birthday. We switched crazily after opening it. $100 too.... But we were so torn up. So sad, we miss him, NO WE DONT so angry whyd he hafta hert us, n he leev? Why did he have to have goodc and bad qualities? Why did he have to r*pe us? he didnt!! he didnt! He damn well ****ing did.
Yeah chaos about that, and another card for christmas coming up. Plus Christmas time anniversaries... Ugh..... We are going to ask T for some extra PRNs.... (as needed tranquilisers) we're SURE we are going to need them.
Kat(rica)
Why is it uncomfortable? Being co-conscious? We find it can make things easier sometimes, but it really does depend on the alter.
Chris,
That sucks about the assesment, but CBT can be really helpful, particularly if your parts/alters work on it with you.
How did they determine this? People with DID rarely trust easily, and then may take longer to open up about their parts/multiplicity for quite a while. Makes it easier when you have a community like this though. (((safe hugs you all))))
Glad your friend made you feel better.... Are they going to give you individual psychotherapy also? I dont know how the system works over there....
Invalidation hurts so much for us. We're sure with most people who have DID.... Having been abused, and not able to tell anyone about the hurt, cause of threats, fear of punishment, programming or just fear of not bing believed.... And then to reach out for help and be shut down.
But really, if you get treated, and you can incorporate your parts into the treatment they provide, it may not make a huge difference in practise. Of course emotionally is compltely different.
We have our T appointment in les than half an hour.... *yawn* oh god, we've already had 2 double shot coffees and we are yawning :O:O:O
Kat i dont know if it makes sense but something Katie said a while ago has really struck me. having everyone inside as a therapeutic community
really powerful for me at a deep level
lostboys i hope your session went well. f***ing relatives. i can really relate to how they can be disruptive, inconsistantly horrible. if they were just horrible it would be so much easier. i agree about the cbt. trained in it myself and that makes me prejudiced, to my own detriment. i gotta start being the client!
Sorry, a lot of us are freaked about christmas. Understatement.
We have bought quite a few provisions (self-soothing) for the younger ones to help-get through the coming days. We're so glad we got them, we'd be screwed without.
Kat, is there anything that seems to calm vetis? Could Kat D help keep him inside? Or at least cool him down (if possible)
Katie's idea about drawing is a good one, can you get grounded/calm enough to do some drawing? Drawing can be much more expressive and easier in high tension circumstances than writing or other forms of expression we find. Even just scribbles, paint splotches, anything that portrays what you are feeling.
You can even use drawing to ground. It doesn't have to even be drawing. Scribbles and finger printing and splashing [do on a large bin bag or on an easily cleanable surface!] are all amazingly therapeutic - it enables you to go with the energy in a safe way.
My therapist has had me several times now just going with the energy and scribbling over a large sheet of paper in sessions.
i'm thinking of you right now lostboys. in my heart i'm with you and you're not going through this alone. you give so much. i wish at least as much love and gentleness for you right now
We're switchy, distant, tired, scared, still the wailing squealing inside....
Quite a few of us feel really really exhausted, everything takes a great effort and we feel, drugged, sluggish, slow....
We feel emotion, but really really dampened and dulled. kinda like we know they are there, and sort of acknowledge them, or sort of feel them, but not really....
Some of us are feeling quite unsafe, due to this strangeness and the call backs
We're not sure what to do. T is still away, untill the 30th. It's only a few days but feels like a really long time, since things are so hard.
Ash's girlfriend is being very supportive, but we can tell her being supportive is taking its toll on her.
Thanks so much for the hugs Kat, and Chris, thank you, you are so kind.
Katie, we're sorry you are struggling... If you want to share, we are listening.
Do what you need to keep you/your self/selves safe and OK.
Kat, can you interrupt them when they talk at night?
If you can, do they listen? Are they trying to update you on stuff, or just talking?
Do you think they want some of their own time, to let out their thoughts?
We are having a rough time as well.
Trying to stay safe....
Switching, losing time, nightmares, two binge drinking nights in a row, flashbacks, we feel like someone has drugged us...
It's really hard, but we see T tommorow 1st time since she left.
We don't know how we have managed staying above water so far, let alone how to keep doing so.
We are going to the beach for New Years, and are feeling anxious about that, we miss our 2nd appt with T since after the holidays.....
And New years is hard anyway. Specially party type places... and lots of people. Drunk people.
But we want to have a good time, and Ash's girlfriend to have a good time. She's been trying rral hard to make us feel better. Cause she and everyone around us has noticed how shittily we have been doing.
Which means our front is down, which blows.
*huge sigh*
Take care
lostboys
Last edited by bleeding black : 29-12-2008 at 10:14 AM.
Reason: edit: adding stuff
Hey Kat d,
Why don't you want to see the psych? It could be helpful.
Chris, Katie? Are you guys around?
T went well, we felt good about it until now, we feel empty like we forgot something. Something important.
There was loads to fill her in on. Various xmas celebrations, the rest of the week all the chaos etc.
Alot went down last night.
Ash's girlfriend met 'Flea and Dax'.... Which she made notes of for our T.
I'd felt like there was a propeller in my chest pushing me forward forward. Like i had to be moving and doing something. I couldn't rest. When i came back there was saliva all over my fingers, and i was sore. everywhere was stiff, specially my legs. And i was tired, which before i wasn't, i had to keep moving. Elmo's world DVD was on and my girl was sitting beside the bed... I thought it must have been jerm (who loves elmo) that came out. Nope. 'You have a lot of alters ash' she said.
Ash was too overwhelmed to hear it last night. So he handed the notes his girlfriend wrote to T at the start and they talked about it then.
Flea and Dax can fly, which seems cool at first, until T pointed out the context, in terms of what happened must have been pretty damn bad if they needed to fly away.
She then said that they told Cara the reason they could fly was because they couldn't walk cause' their legs were tied.
Ash also talked to T about a new therapy journal we are putting together. We really need to get back into journal/therapy work mode... Things are getting too hard....
Leaving for the beach tommorow. 2 nights. (and 2 bottles of vodka :D:D)
Not sure how we feel about the whole thing....
katrica and the crew... seriously well done for getting through that. worthwile rewarding yourselves for keeping as together as you all did
i'm thinking of everyone, pub, partying, beach, home, and wishing you all a gentle next couple of days
sorry ive not been about much. had a few heavy heavy days but things are remarkably clear and calm right now. wish i could lend some of that to those of you who are stressed right now. just had a lovely cuddle and stroke with my tiny dwarf hamster companion
so cool!!! my one is tiny too and he is SO beautiful. he bites me often but i know that's just his thang! ('i'm a dwarf hamster. its what i do')
hope you have a lovely time out. like to encourage you to not let the past, the past of others in particular, define you. be your own woman. independence and strength to you through the coming year
I want to be grown up, but I don't feel it.
Don't feel good.
Very not ok.
Mass of stirred up frightening primitive feelings.
So much pent up energy inside want to scream.
We're very much a we, and it helps me when I acknowledge that, and when my therapist acknowledges that [but she's not here right now, and we need her and want her so so much].
But it's not that obvious to others who don't know me. Or even people at work. I don't think.
