I thought through the night that I should accept the admission but got up this morning and phoned Duty before they started to leave a message to say not to talk to the doctor. I've probably made a mistake but I keep changing my mind and don't know what is truly for the best. I'm messing everything up.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It was a bad idea to not accept hospital. I am so stupid. I don't think I can bring it up again in case they are angry with me or I end up being too scared again. I don't know what to do. The kind person who understands me on Duty and was going to talk to the doctor finished at 11am so I'm not sure if someone understandable will be on Duty now.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sorry to keep posting. I don't have anywhere else to turn.
There's no one good on Duty today. Why can't I cope with my life alone? I am weak. I am scared that Duty will tell me to stop phoning because I talk about the same old shit. At some point everyone might leave me totally alone. I am terrified. I can't even get through to my GP because they are so understaffed and keep having to further restrict things. It will be ages until they have my increased med sorted. I'm getting worse with every day that passes. If there is no one there for me I have to kill myself. There is no other option. Every day is torture. No one can help me and I need to face up to that. Maybe I should just stop taking my antipsychotic and welcome the chaos of the men if they would come back fully. Maybe that would be better than the way I feel now. But I am scared of what else I might welcome in along with the men. Things have never been this bad in this way, they have been bad in other ways before. I did various forms of self harm but they didn't help. I have no idea what else to try.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sorry you're struggling so much Lyndsay, I can hear from here/your RV how alone and distressed you've been feeling because of decreased support. Is it worth calling duty and saying that you're worried that you made a mistake saying no to the admission? It sounds like that has helped you in the past and it could get the med change done a bit quicker?
Agree with Jen that coming off medication especially without medical supervision doesn't sound like it would be helpful rn!
I don't feel able to mention an admission again. I don't even know who is on Duty today. It scares me that it might only be unhelpful people on like yesterday where I had to be totally alone. I can't deal with myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
If you don't try calling it's the same result as there being unhelpful people on, you don't get help you need. And yes finding out unhelpful people ar eon would take away hope but it doesn't sound like you have much hope regarding duty right now anyway.
Give calling a try. Find out what the situation is and the either get help or find out the fear is true. Knowing for sure has to better than anxious uncertainty. And if it helps you feel less alone imagine me sitting with you in your pain. I can't change it but I can be there, virtually at least.
I started really panicking for some reason and did phone Duty and luckily I got through first time and to someone helpful (the person who was going to talk to the doctor about an admission). It helped a bit to talk but it's wearing off now. She said they're not going to tell me to stop phoning and that it's ok to talk about the same stuff because that's what I'm going through. I wish there was always someone helpful on. I really hope my antipsychotic increase is sorted soon and it's helpful. I can't take much more of this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm more anxious and panicky a lot of the day and night now. There was a long period of time when I woke up last night and just couldn't sleep because I was so anxious. Then it starts again when it's coming up for the time to get out of bed. Then in between activities and even during activities. I hate when it starts to get darker. I'm awake earlier in the morning but afraid to get up in case it makes me more tired earlier in the evening. I am not going to fall back into spending 36 hours in bed and getting up at irregular times so why am I anxious about tiredness and going to bed? My brain needs to sort itself out. I just wish I didn't feel so tired early on. I'm scared of continuing to live, in general not just the sleep thing. Even trying to take things a minute at a time.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It sounds like you're working so hard to get through each day and that's such a big achievement though I'm sorry it's such a battle. Does getting out of the house and getting some fresh air/light exercise help at all with the sleepiness?
I think it's past the time you tend to log off for the night now so I guess you'll read this in the morning and I hope you slept better than last night!
Thanks, Jenna. I have nightmares every night and wake up lots but it's usually manageable. I'm out and about a lot during the day so walk quite a bit but nothing I seem to try helps with the exhaustion. I maybe need to ask for a blood test because I haven't had a general one for a while and I have other things I need to talk to a GP about but my GP surgery is so rubbish right now. I'm still waiting on them to sort out my antipsychotic increase. I had my discharge review with my support worker today and she said it's objectively not terrible for me to be starting to get ready for bed at 7pm some nights since I'm tired and I've done all my things during the day. I just need to try and get my mind to believe that it's ok.
I thought about trying a safe/soothing box again because my anxiety is so high but I got my current one out last night and it felt overwhelming. I don't like the idea of having loads of stuff in one place. I prefer to have little things dotted about and accessible but even that's a bit overwhelming like where do I start? And having a list of things to try would be too much also. Also with the sensory stuff right now it's becoming that my fidget stuff can sometimes feel horrible. I only know for sure that it helps to talk to someone understanding but I can't always access a person.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That sounds so difficult. A blood test sounds like a good idea! I appreciate that it will be difficult and slow but can you start to get things in motion by trying to book an appointment via whatever means they use for appointments? I hope they sort your med change soon as well!
Yeah, I don't see any harm in getting ready for bed at 7pm. If at some point in the future you end up in a position where you don't have enough time to do things before that then I imagine it wouldn't be too tricky to adapt your bedtime. For example during the holidays I sleep like some kind of sleeping machine but then as soon as I'm required to stay up until 11ish and get up at 6, it all slots back into place quickly and the increased activity keeps me awake just fine.
Maybe you could start by choosing one or two things from your box and putting them somewhere accessible in your lounge? And then progressing from there when you're ready you could have lots of mini self-soothing boxes in different places around the house.
Thank you. The GP surgery now only accepts emergencies on Fridays so I'll maybe try and fill in an online Triage form on Monday or Tuesday if they don't end up closing it. The prescription for my Lurasidone increase was sent to the chemist this morning and they added it to my meds straight away so I can start it today when I have my dinner. I hope it helps and there are no side effects.
I managed to easily stay up until about 8.30pm last night which was good. I hope that if I had to change my waking times in the future I wouldn't have too much trouble doing it because that worries me a lot. I always compare myself with people who have jobs and if I had a job would I be coming home from work and just having to go straight to bed?
I have a table next to where I sit and I have a couple of things on there. I managed to do some anagrams today even though I was anxious about wasting time and it helped a bit. I bought a candle when I was out and I'm hoping a nice smell will help to relax me a little. My phone and broadband bill is about double this month because of phoning Duty, their number is a mobile. It worries me that maybe I won't be able to contact them every time I need them. I don't know if I could ask them to call me back.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm constantly on edge trying not to stop doing things. Still going to bed too early for my liking. I tried the candle one night and liked the smell (vanilla shortbread) but felt a bit uncomfortable like it might make me feel more sleepy or something. Right now I just wish I wouldn't get so exhausted early on. If I could stay up to a more reasonable time for me then I think it would make things quite a bit better. I'm not contacting the GP surgery yet as I have a cold even though I know it will likely take a bit of time to get an appointment but I don't want to do it until I feel better just in case they are doing quick appointments now that they have reduced the time you can put in online triage forms. Also don't really know if I should ask to be referred for an autism assessment again.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think you should try the doctors, if they offer you an appointment that seems to early you can always ask for a later one/ aka if it's ok to come in with a cold. Something I have done is write out the online triage form questions so I can draft a response when triage is shut and just copy it on when it opens.
Have you tried using small tests during the day recently? Like meditation or listening to an audiobook? To help you be able to stay awake longer by getting rest without sleeping.
I'm not really sure about what things I want to bring up with a GP though. There is the early exhaustion, possible heart stuff because of family history, things I can't even remember now. I do have it noted in my phone though I think. I just don't know if I want to bring everything up or not. Triage closes at 11am so I might try and fill in a form tomorrow.
I sit down reading or doing anagrams or writing or going online through the day. I hate meditation and things involving just listening. I don't know why I get tired so early.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Perhaps start with exhaustion and heart stuff? If they are the ones you remember they must be the ones bothering you the most. You can always ask another time about the other stuff.
I know that many people contact their GP about exhaustion, I feel like they will see it as stupid and not important. There's probably nothing they can do anyway. I don't feel confident enough to reach out. I wouldn't really know how to word it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I hear you are anxious about wasting their time. And I know the notices they keep making about how stretched they are likely isn't helping such anxiety.
But if you do a patient triage they can get back to you according to priority / your need. And a lot of people do contact GP about exhaustion/ fatigue. Fatigue is a common symptom of a lot of conditions.
So it's good to ask about because if fatigue is from something like anaemia (very common) it can be fixed with something as simple as iron tablets. Yes there might not be an easy answer chronic fatigue is a thing but for some fatigue there is a simple answer and you won't know unless you talk to GP and get appropriate tests etc.
It doesn't have to be perfectly worded, just get across the essence of what you need to say.
Key info is
What the problem is - e.g. general exhaustion and difficulty staying awake at end of day.
How long the problem has been going on?
Has the problem been getting better or worse over that period?
What if anything have you tried for the problem? E.g. routine
Anything else that may be relevant e.g. Family history of heart issues
Anything else the GP can ask you about when they get back to you.
Also I wanted to add that the exhaustion / fatigue is clearly causing you a lot of mental distress and if you felt able to add that to triage as something that may be relevant I think that could be helpful. Because the mental health impact of the fatigue is an important factor in how much it is effecting your day to day life.
Last edited by long road : 07-11-2023 at 03:13 PM.
Reason: Edit to add
