Life, please... no more - Page 18

crazykat · 21-10-2009, 10:29 AM

*hugs* Hang in there sweetheart, I am here if I can ever help in any way

Kahlia1981 · 21-10-2009, 11:45 AM

*hugs Kat back*

I'm trying to hold on. I wish I could go to sleep....

crazykat · 21-10-2009, 11:47 AM

*hugs lots* keep holding on you will get through this

Kahlia1981 · 21-10-2009, 11:48 AM

thanks Kat

Merc · 21-10-2009, 04:15 PM

I'm sorry it's all such a mess right now. I hope you can get the meds sorted and your GP can help in some way.
Pls feel free to PM if you need/want

Kahlia1981 · 22-10-2009, 02:41 AM

My GP didn't want to touch my meds but told me to keep taking the olanzapine with the increase of the haliperadol (sp). He said it should take three days to work before needing increasing again. I really wanted him to put me on seroquel. But that's not going to happen anytime soon unless I keep bringing this up with him. I'm just so tired of fighting...

Pomegranate · 22-10-2009, 03:34 AM

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling Kahlia *hugs*

Why won't he put you on Seroquel? You should have some say on your medication.

I also wanted to say that I am sorry about your boyfriend but I think you did the right thing and one day he will recognise that and thank you. You can't be responsible for other people's thoughts and actions hun, you aren't to blame for any of this.

crazykat · 22-10-2009, 07:37 AM

*hugs* Am thinking of you

Kahlia1981 · 25-10-2009, 05:06 AM

I had a visit to A&E last night. I managed to score a registrar who was helpful in arranging for me to get a medication review. She wants me on seroquel and is going to tell my doctor to put me on it.

I should be feeling happy but.... my boyfriend wants to go back to just being friends because of the ****ing hospital telling him it was "unhealthy" for him to come and see me. I thought we could really make things work and things were coming together so well but now this...

I feel like I'm dying inside. My life may as well be over.

crazykat · 25-10-2009, 08:36 AM

*Hugs* I am glad the register at A&E was helpful, why can't more be like that. I am sorry about things with your boyfriend that must hurt alot, have you spoken to him about the way you feel? Hang in there sweetheart. Let me know if I can help in any way

Kahlia1981 · 25-10-2009, 11:34 AM

The voices are bad tonight. They've been fairly bad all day but I've managed to get around them with fair success. I even managed to do a workout video. Anyway tonight they are getting fairly loud and I'm starting to believe what they are telling me which is that everyone can read my mind and no one likes me. Also that there is a secret group that is out to get me and I should be dead because then everyone else would be better off. I'm scared because I'm starting to believe it.

My GP appointment is tomorrow morning and then I'm going on a new drug which will take a few days to have an effect. And we don't know it's going to be a positive one though I'm hopefull it will be. So I'm terrified.

Why can't life be easy for once?

crazykat · 25-10-2009, 11:50 AM

Hi sweetheart
Sorry things are so hard, you are doing so well despite everything that is in your way. Can you put some music on in headphones to drown out the voices a bit? Hun what they are saying is not true, I know that's hard to believe and see right now but I promise you I don't hate you as I am sure others don't either. You are a lovely person. No one would be better off with you dead. Please be honest with your GP tomorrow about what is going on for you. I hope that the new drug helps. All the best
Kat xxx

Kahlia1981 · 26-10-2009, 01:18 AM

Well the meeting with the GP went well. And I'm starting a controlled swap over to the seroquel with my doc keeping a close eye on how things are going. I'll get up to 400mgs before I see my doc again and we'll work things out from there. I'd like to be on the 500mg sustained release seroquel but we'll see.

crazykat · 26-10-2009, 05:17 AM

Glad it went well with your GP. Best of luck with the seroquel I hope it helps :)

Merc · 26-10-2009, 04:56 PM

Good luck with the seroquel. When I first started it, I was getting god-awful cramps in my ankles/feet/shins. To the point of tears.
But a hot bath took care of it. After a few weeks, it quit.
I don't think it is a very common SE, but just wanted to mention.
It has been the best AP I have ever tried.
I hope it works well for you.

Kahlia1981 · 27-10-2009, 04:16 AM

*thanks Kat and romperfly for your support and also to anyone who reads this*

Today is day 2 of the seroquel trial and that means keeping the dose of seroquel the same but dropping the number of zyprexa. Right now I'm really feeling it. No bad side effects that I've noticed so far.

I've also decided that I really need to work on my endurance and stamina and have therefore implemented an exercise regime. So on days when I don't have to ride my bike I do an exercise DVD. I started on Sunday with doing an exercise DVD and managed it quite well. Then Monday I had to ride my bike to see my GP and it takes a lot out of me - something like 20-25 minutes each direction. So with no bike rides required today I did my exercise DVD. I can tell it's working because my abs are killing me and my other muscles are feeling the burn while I'm doing it. I have a series of exercise DVDs so that I can move on when the one I'm doing becomes too easy or too boring to get me involved in it.

I'm also trying to cut down my smoking but that's hard with the medication change happening at the same time. I have gone from a pack of 50 a day down to about 25-30 so I'm achieving a slow down which is good.

Also yesterday I had my first meeting with the Disability Employment Network provider who are going to be helping me with looking for casual or part-time work and, when I do get that work, helping me to keep the job. I got some really good news yesterday when I spoke to the director. He told me that the "witch" who got me fired from my last job was fired. That put a bit smile on my face. The person I spoke to yesterday seemed to understand that I need special help sometimes because of what was listed as my psychotic disorder. I'm feeling somewhat hopeful about that.

All in all it's been a big week and there's more to come.

Tomorrow I go out to uni to find out about the new structure of the degree that I'm going in to. I guess I'll find out more about what they plan to do and subjects that they'll offer. I'm not really sure. I'll know more when I'm finished listening to them talking.

Friday I have to go back to the DEN provider because we have to fill out some forms that will take about an hour. At this stage I'm going to bike over there although I'm a little nervous about doing so. That probably sounds weird but I like to cycle where I've already been on the bike or where someone is going with me. I think it's just that I'm worried about coming off the bike and no-one finding me. I don't know.

Also my ex has gone to wanting to be just friends until we get the mess with the hospital sorted out. It really hurts me because I love him deeply and I know that he loves me but he just doesn't want to take that extra step without running away. We dated for about two weeks and they were the best two weeks I had had in a long time and now I have all this self hatred within me because I believe it must be that I'm not attractive enough or smart enough or that the break up was my fault.

I think that's everything for the moment. I realise this has been a fairly large post and want to thank anyone who manages to read their way through it.

crazykat · 27-10-2009, 12:36 PM

*Massive hugs* This post actually put a smile on my face, it's soo good to hear that you have put some goals into place. Sometimes having that bit of extra structure can really help. Best of luck with it all. Take care
Kat xxx

Kahlia1981 · 28-10-2009, 06:36 AM

Today is day 3 which means upping the seroquel but subtracting one zyprexa. Voices have been bad all day because there isn't enough seroquel built up in my system yet but I have hope. I managed to do an exercise dvd this morning and then rode out to uni. I'm tired and sick of hearing the voices but am hoping this slow change over works.

crazykat · 28-10-2009, 10:17 AM

I hope it helps soon *Hugs*

Merc · 28-10-2009, 04:27 PM

Wow, that's an awful lot happening all at once! Be sure you take it easy on yourself. Easier said than done.
I'm sorry your bf has backed off a bit. It was NOT your fault. You are none of those things, hunni.
I hope you can (try to even ?) congratulate yourself on all you are managing right now!
Good luck.
I hope the seroquel starts working and dims down the voices soon for you.
xx