Adult - Lame Jokes thread :D

LMAO







An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine. It's me! I've quit drinking!"

[Casper_Fading]

LMAO!!!!

[Casper_Fading]

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said:'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament.'

'Same here. Hmm ... How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their BMW cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole with a briefcase.'

[Schleier von Dunst]

^lol!!!!



ok. because I cba to read back thousands of pages, I'm not sure if this has been told, or even if I told it myself lol...



Why do seagulls fly over the sea???

The following content has been hidden - Reason : answer

because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels

[Casper_Fading]

lmao! that is truly lame :P

[Kangaroo]

That really long one wasnt worth the reading im sad to say.

Otherwise jokes are not too bad, considering they are supposed to be lame

[Queen Crabbit]

The whole joke of the long one is

The following content has been hidden - Reason : spoiler

that you have to read all that and it's a bit crap

[Casper_Fading]

*giggles* i liked it chels :P

[Casper_Fading]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[D-liscious]

ha ha ha

[Schleier von Dunst]

omg thats good.

[Tears Of Blood]

A Christmas Poem

Seeing as christmas is coming up I just had to post this one

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Twas the night before Christmas....The Adult Version

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A **** ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out

[Casper_Fading]

AWESOME!!!! PURE AWESOMENESS!!!!!!

what are the **** words? Can you tell tell me so i can send it to my work mates!

[Tears Of Blood]

Lol I could try Jess but I didn't Astrix them out, RYL did, so I don't know if it would do me any good to resend it but I'll try again on here then to PM you, see if that works

[Margo]

c o c k and s h i t i would guess

[Tears Of Blood]

Lol Matthew's Got it....Thanks Matt, I never thought to try spacing the letters ~Jewel

[Casper_Fading]

woo! i'm going to send it to everyone at work :P

[Tears Of Blood]

Lol don't be getting yourself into any trouble with that now Jess..I know how you vets are :P

[Casper_Fading]

me? ME! I never get in trouble!

[Tears Of Blood]

uh huh, suuuuuuuure lol, I can tell from that gleam in your eye and the smirk on your face that you're all sweet and innocent.....and have the very best intentions for that *revised* christmas story lol.... shame on me....what was I thinking, somebody off the vets board get into trouble....No, of course not...never, sweet, innocent, bunch of angels we have here lol :P