I'm afraid to admit it to anyone else at all, even here but I am getting increasingly strong urges lately. Perversely, it really started when I had some time off work recently. Before that, I was getting that wound up and unable to think that it did not really cross my mind. When I got signed off sick, it eased the pressure off enough that I started to think about and plan ways to hurt myself more. I do not want to die as such but at times think that I am going to drag those few people I am close to down with me if things continue as they are and they are therefore better off without me. I try to suppress such thoughts as I know they are not rational but it is getting harder.
Location: In a glass vial in the pocket of a beautiful mind.
I am currently:
We all believe we're doing everything wrong, that we've all chosen the wrong path, but we're not and we haven't. Right and Wrong are relative.
These two quotes are from iwrotethisforyou.me
They are only two of many that have and will continue to change lives. These I want to share with all of you.
"And yet, when you get here, you are not given instructions. No one tells you that heart A is meant to slot into heart B. There are no diagrams about how you are meant to live each day or directions on how to assemble some semblance of happiness. You are not even told what colours to paint your feelings or, given a purpose and a reason for your life.
You have to make all of it up. You have to make all of it, yourself."
"The human heart is made from the only substance in the universe that can become stronger, after it's been broken."
We are all stronger than we believe, even at our worst. You may not feel it, you may not find any way to convince yourself of it, but you are strong. Trust yourself, trust that you can get through anything, because there are people all over the world who feel as you do at some point in their lives, you will never be alone.
If you are unhappy, if you want to harm yourself, if you want to give up, tell someone. Tell everyone. Tell it to the stranger waiting at the traffic lights. Tell it to the guy putting money in the parking meter. Tell it to the woman having coffee. Tell everyone you know, talk until you feel like a burden, and then tell them again. Because you aren't a burden, someone is going to care, and it may be the person you least suspect it to be.
I overdosed the other night and went walking in the dark and the rain alone. I didn't tell anyone what I was going to do, I didn't tell them when I had or where I was so they could come find me. And just when I had convinced myself that it wasn't going to bother anyone for me to go, the one person I thought was so angry with me that she must hate me, the one person I was sure wouldn't care at all, showed up at the park and sat down with me. She didn't yell, or tell me I was stupid or a burden, she didn't judge at all. She sat and she listened to old heart-wounds, and then she took me home.
Don't ever convince yourself that expressing your despair and grief is wrong. Don't tell yourself that mistakes, big or small, cannot be fixed - even when someone tells you they'll never forgive you. Don't let yourself believe that there is only one way out, because it isn't true. It is only the solution that society has taught us, and death isn't the answer. You are Beautiful and you are Strong. You are better than this.
Remember to breathe, and remember to fight. And don't ever stop telling people how you feel. Tell the whole world, because there are so many of us out there who do care and will do everything we can to help you.
rhap·so·dy - an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm. ♫
"Sacrifice is the most you can love someone." ♥
“Love was at best an excuse for stupidity, at worst a destructive, dangerous emotion that drove men to acts of annihilation which defied logic. It was a twisted, insidious sentiment used to justify everything from spoiling a child to destroying entire civilizations.”
2012 not going so well for me so far. It's had ups but mostly downs. What's most important is that very little progress has been made. At this rate it does appear this will be my last year on this Earth. I wonder if anyone I'm not blood-related to will even care. I wonder how long it will take before people even notice I'm gone. I'm just not meant for this world and in the long run I'd be doing humanity a favor.
I still have almost 10 months though. Maybe I can turn this all around. Maybe I can give my life some significance. I can only hope. I'm so sick of being so lonely and unloved. I'm sick of feeling like one giant failure. I'm sick of feeling like my existence is just a mistake. Why must I hurt so badly?! Why must I be so alone?!
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
All my best friends and my friends who know i SI just told me i have no hope of being happy... and that they can be happy without me and i should never talk to them EVER again... i feel so alone... i just want to die... there's nothing left for me here... my friends were the last reason i'm here... i really want to end this now... might as well get it over and done with...
Captain B2: Like you said, you've had ups and downs. Try to concentrate on the ups more than the downs. Things can improve. What have you been doing to try to make sure things change? It's horrible being lonely but I know people on here would care if you were to take your life; I for one would care a great deal. There are people out there willing to help and support you.
Meowvel: I'm sorry they've said that to you; they don't sound much like friends to me. Friends are meant to be there through the good and the bad. You're not alone; we're all here to help you. To listen and help if we can.
I don't want to be alive anymore!.... those were the friend's that were there when i threw my blades out, when i started recovery.... now i see that was pointless!... i don't want to wake up tomorrow morning... and im going to make it happen
I was actually about to commit suicide a few hours ago, but I randomly felt the urge to go on the Internet and I found this site, and all you guys' love is making me feel so much better. Thank you guys!
im back on this thread again, let slip about my plans to my counsellor on friday, thought was in confidence, but she says she has to tell someone. text my CPN today just generally asking if anyone from the counselling service has been in touch, she says not. im seeing my CPN tomorrow and depending how it goes my plan might be put into action soon after. will give my CPN thatchance first though. hate myself, hate my life so much
Qualified Peer Support Worker (2017)
current mental health diagnoses: depression, PTSD, GAD, self harm, bpd
current meds (as at Feb 2017): , thyroxine, metformin, iron, b12, vit d, atenolol, Butec, Naproxen, Nefopam, Lanzoprazole, Bupropion, quetiapine (prn)
Wendy: I'm sorry you feel so low right now. I know it might feel like a betrayal on your counsellors behalf but if they believe you're a danger to yourself they do have to tell someone. I hope it goes well with your CPN and that you resist the urge to put your plan into action.
