Not knowing

[tamobhuuta]

I don't know, I think usually they just make sure you have somewhere to live.

[one_step_closer]

You'll still be staying with your parents, right? If you're unsure about what it will involve you can always ask someone beforehand.

[tamobhuuta]

That's the plan.

The social worker is running late, I don't know when I'm going to see them. I could ask S what will happen in the meeting, if she's got a minute.

[tamobhuuta]

I spoke to S, the meeting is to see what care I need. She said it doesn't mean I'm being discharged straight away but I think from previous admissions it's on the horizon.

[one_step_closer]

How did the meeting go? You don't have to say if you don't want to.

[tamobhuuta]

It was ok. She's going to set me up with people to help me go to church in the week. I don't usually go because there's lots of people and it means getting up earlier.

[one_step_closer]

Do you think that would be a positive thing for you? It needs to be something you'd like to do or you might not engage or get anything from it.

[tamobhuuta]

It is something I'd like. I used to go every day and I'd like to go back to that.

[one_step_closer]

That's a good goal then. I'm glad you'll be getting support to try and manage it.

[tamobhuuta]

Today I've been thinking i might be wrong about the implant etc. But I can't stop picturing myself cutting it out my neck still.

[one_step_closer]

It's something that has been bothering you for a long time, I think that makes it extra hard to let go of but you can work towards more healthy beliefs with support and time.

[tamobhuuta]

Turns out my ward rounds was today, not tomorrow, the poster lied.

If I can stay like this until next ward rounds we can look at escorted leave. She's prescribed me sertraline for my anxiety. Positive right? A week seems a long time, I'm scared I'm going to screw up.

[one_step_closer]

Can you think of things that help that you can put in place to get through the next week? You'll need to be finding things anyway to help you manage in the long run.

[tamobhuuta]

The thing is, the psych doesn't just want me not to do things, she wants me not to THINK things. I think mantras are going to be my friends.

[Auror.]

in our experience not thinking things sounds like a solid way to make the thoughts worse because you have to focus on not thinking them!

if a week feels too much, can you just try to focus on one day? or one hour? or one minute? whatever feels more manageable.

[tamobhuuta]

Like not thinking of pink elephants! You're right, one moment at a time.

[one_step_closer]

That sounds like a really silly thing of your psych to say! But maybe with time you will find yourself not thinking those things so often without having to try. Definitely take it moment by moment.

[tamobhuuta]

I'm doing really well at distracting from thoughts but they are still there, underneath. I'm worried about what to tell the psych next week.

[one_step_closer]

Try not to worry, it's better to be honest and surely they can't expect your thoughts to just disappear. They have been around for a long time and might still be there for a while to different degrees.

[tamobhuuta]

The voices came back but i realised I don't trust them. They say they are here to help me cut out the implant and fight the Organisation but they've failed deliver on help before.