I'd just lie awake in bed. It will be bed time soon though and even though I will still lie awake in bed for whatever time my body decides I will be more relaxed because it is my actual bed time. Any change to bed time makes me panic and remember the horrible 36 hours in bed I used to do.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Had my review with my support worker this morning and I scored lower on a lot of sections from the review I did 6 months ago. My support worker said she was surprised because from what she sees of me in the gym group she thinks I seem well/better than before. I'm really confused. Am I lying about how I feel? She wants me to push myself to walk further/be outside longer than I have been but I get distressed enough just going to the chemist. Then when I'm on my new med she wants to talk to me about volunteering at the food bank. She also mentioned doing things with the people from the gym group out with the gym and relaxing my to do lists and schedule so it's not so concrete and I can move things around. All of this has just made me feel very overwhelmed which isn't helping with my MH right now.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Did you manage to share at all how bad coming off risperidone has been? Or did you feel like she wa being dismissive?
You can have been showing yourself at your best / with a mask at gymn group and struggling the rest of the time. The two aren't mutually exclusive.
I know you feel you have to say yes when your support worker suggests something. But they are suggestions and you can decide for yourself whether or not to take them on once you see how you feel on your new med. And you don't have to make any decisions now.
I don't think you would lie about how you are. The support worker probably sees a mask? It sounds like they had advice ready for you having improved, and weren't ready for things having got worse!
I'm feeling really confused and doubting myself and my feelings. I like the gym group and I do have a laugh with everyone which I always have, it's ok to be in the gym and interacting with the people I know so I'm not as distressed at that point. My support worker thinks if I was really struggling I would be more withdrawn at the group.
I tried to say I'm struggling. She just thinks it's not so bad and I can fight through it to do things like walking down to Tesco which is a 25 minute walk from my house and then the same back, and do it even if I need no shopping. I'm only going out when I really need to because of my difficulties outside.
I tried to phone Duty but someone answered who I had a bad experience with before so I hung up. I wish there were more people I felt able to talk to since I have to work through my phone anxiety to make the call. Maybe all I'd have to say is what I already told my psychiatrist at my last appointment so I shouldn't phone. My support worker might phone someone at the CMHT at some point to say I'm doing well.
I feel like a fraud and a fake.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't think you are a fraud or a fake because your support worker has the wrong impression / a different impression of your health to you. They see you an hour or two each week. You spend 168 hours a week as you so your perception that things are worse has more weight. You have talked a lot before about masking and how the distress all comes out when ou get home
Well done for managing to call Duty. Even calling and hanging up is closer than you have been recently. I hope next time you can also speak to the person on phone. Do you think having a bad experience on phone would be worsee than having no support a all? Because if not then might be worth taking chance with someone who was bad once. Itts ot just about what you told your psychiatrist things have got worse since that appointment with reduction in risperidone. You have had suicidal thoughts and experienced the other world more based on your RV.
I don't know if it would be better to have a bad experience with Duty than have nothing at all. I think I would be really upset if it went wrong and it might put me off phoning even more. I'm upset already though due to having to go out twice today. I think I communicate better on here so you're getting more of a true insight into what's going on, and you have more understanding. So even when I communicate ok to a professional they can often just stick to their own beliefs no matter what I say.
On Wednesday I'm going down to 1mg of Risperidone at night plus the new med in the morning. I think I'm going to let people down if it works and even if it doesn't work. Antipsychotics don't take everything away but they do help and I need to be on one. They might not work enough for the next psychiatrist and they might decide to take me off them and have me on no antipsychotics at all. If they do work enough I might be further pressured into doing more in my life even if I still don't feel up to it. I have so many worries about everything in life. I wish my psychiatrist wasn't leaving, I hope the next one is a supportive one.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think it's a bit premature to worry about what the next psychiatrist may or may not think about antipsychotics so I hope you'll manage not to get too embroiled in that worry!
It does sound like your support worker was wearing some pretty intense rose-tinted glasses and that must feel so invalidating. One thing I thought of though is that you yourself have wondered about the strictness of your to do list and also accept that gym group is a generally positive experience while you're there so maybe gradually and in your own time you could think about her suggestions about relaxing some of your rules a little and considering other social experiences that could have a positive impact on you. But I know that must sound like a lot and it has to be on your terms and in your own time.
I just worry about everything that might happen in the future!
The thing with the gym group is that it is supported socialisation (with the support worker there) and everyone has MH issues so it's not usually too stressful to socialise. No other social type activities would be supported so I'd struggle and I'm really not interested in anything. My support worker wants to talk to me again about volunteering at the food bank next month when I'll have been on my new med for a bit. I don't know how I'll feel at that point.
I'm struggling so much, I feel suicidal big time but won't act on it because I'll get it wrong. It's hard to live with that feeling. I'm a mess. Living is too much. Maybe I'd be better off in the other world.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Hey checking in because I saw in your RV the suicidal thoughts seem to be getting worse. Do you think you need to try and call somewhere or see someone?
If typing an reaching out on here is ok do you think a support web chat would help?
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) have one open until 12am
And Samaritans are trialing one that has limited opening hours, they aren't fixed opening hours but usually they are open until 10pmish.
You don't have to suffer alone but appreciate how hard reaching out is for you. Whatever you decide we can chat in general and enjoy Beckie's guinea pig facts <3
Last edited by long road : 06-05-2023 at 08:11 PM.
Reason: Spelling
Thanks. I don't really feel up to explaining things over chat, and helplines are serious and might advise me to take things further which I don't want to do. It'll be no screen time soon then sitting doing nothing for 45 minutes then bed time so not much left of the day and have a routine to follow.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks for asking, Tamo. I got up at 11.30am which is annoying. Worried about getting up early on Tuesday and Friday for the council coming. I've done all my housework which was only changing bedding, putting a wash on, and cleaning the bathroom. Need to clean Crookshanks bowls etc later. I'm not feeling much right now. I put a reminder in my phone to phone Duty but there's no point right now anyway because I feel an empty ache and not much else. I'll maybe phone through the week when they're working longer. I don't have to go out today so I can avoid extra upset. I'll probably struggle more later on but don't know how to prepare for it. I feel terrible for everyone who struggles with things, why do we have to go through all of this? There are some resilient people out there. When do we get a break?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It's now warped into anxiety and dread. I don't know who or what could help. I have Casualty to watch tonight so if I can focus and my brain isn't saying 'no' to it I'll watch that. I've also started a new book and hope I can get into it. I feel really hopeless. My brain hasn't been cooperating for a while now.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
