Hey, well done for getting to the appointment and by the sounds of it, communicating things really well. I'm sorry things seem so bleak for you and that it's not looking positive in terms of getting a CPN. Can you use this as extra motivation to keep trying to call duty? I know sometimes you're put off by it not being someone you know or potentially them just suggesting distractions but now you know that no phone call will be pointless as it helps them build up a picture of how you aren't coping without regular support.
Thanks. I obviously am coping since I've got through without talking to Duty. I think I've given up on trying to call Duty. There's nothing to talk about anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't really have words but I read your RV and I am thinking of you. I hope you stay at RYL and can find a way to get the help you clearly need and deserve. It's not fair that the system is so rigid and if you don't follow their wayway to ask for help then you don't get the help
Thank you. I wasn't meaning leave RYL, more like leave the world. And also I understand when I don't get replies here. I'm just grateful when I do. I just wish I could have the support I need offline. I am forever grateful for RYL. I'm just struggling lots.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That makes sense. Sorry you are feeling like leaving the world. Is there anything that might help you feel more like staying in the world.
I miss the busy RYL of the old days and I didn't think you were complaining about replies, more sounded like you wanted the busier days when there were mor people to reply sort of thing. And as RYL is the support you can access the easiest you want as much support as you can get from it
I can hear in your posts you are struggling and that you find it difficult to access the little offline support you have.
Last edited by long road : 14-04-2023 at 07:04 PM.
Reason: Added a bit in middle
I'm really struggling. I'm on my first reduced dose of Risperidone, or it could technically be classed as the second since there was a reduction and then it stayed like that for three months but we're doing this weekly now. It's only been reduced by 1mg and I started that on Wednesday. I don't know if the reduction is making me feel worse or if it's just my general stuff since I've not been on the reduction for long. I hate life. What are good things in life? How do I feel better? I'm trapped and getting things wrong all the time. I want to kill myself but it has to be a method that would definitely work and I can't think of one. That's what stops me trying. It's hard to be suicidal but not to be able to do it. I feel like any changes in life will make me feel worse. I have no ideas myself on what needs to change but other people might try and force changes on me and they're never good changes. I'm hoping the new med will be helpful but I've got a lot of weeks of Risperidone reductions and then waiting to see how I feel on the new med. It's such a long haul and I'd have to push through my phone anxiety to talk about how the changes might make me feel. Even if I do phone it might be someone I feel I can't talk to and I hang up. I'm so stupid. I wish I had someone who would check in with me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Please hold on to the fact that this is only the beginning. If you want support from the CMHT you're going to have to be brave and ask for it. Maybe write down what you want to say and read it out like a script?
I had an idea for someone checking on you. Could you make a routine GP appointment? That way once appointment is booked you turn up on day and have space to talk a little. GP could also potentially help communicate to CMHT that you are struggling but are having difficulty phoning.
Ideally finding a way to phone duty and deal with hard moments more quickly/ in the moment would be better but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Maybe GP can help you get CPN like you hoped Dr D would.
My GP isn't doing appointments like that right now. It's hard enough to get an appointment for a physical thing. I think I'm just going to have to accept whatever happens or doesn't happen with getting a CPN. Maybe I am coping fine without a CPN. I will just be passive because my treatment isn't up to me. Except Dr D always made joint decisions with me. I hope the next psychiatrist is good. I don't know about phoning Duty. I'm ok with not doing it anyway. I'm fine. I'll manage. It helps to write here when I have words. At least I have this place.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Are you sure they're not? My GP surgery is a nightmare with appointments but once you have one, if they want to see you again then they can get reception to book you in for the next one, bypassing the ludicrous system and so for a short time I had regular appointments with a GP, which I wouldn't necessarily have known was a possibility.
I'm too scared to ask. I'm just going to give up on reaching out I think. I'll just be passive and let other people decide what way they want to treat me. I've had enough. And I know that giving up loses me the right to talk here about how I'm feeling because I'm not trying my best and people will be angry.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My GP has an online triage thing called patient triage, where you can type what your issue is and they get back to you usually next day but guaranteed within 3 working days. If your GP has something like that maybe you would find typing easier. And then the ball is in GP's court?
I know reaching out is super hard but you deserve support and if you don't tell the professionals that they aren't really going to know and so nothing will happen.
P.s. Like Tamo said not angry, just going to keep encouraging you and thinking of things that might make reaching out easier.
Last edited by long road : 23-04-2023 at 01:59 PM.
Reason: Added last bit.
My surgery does online triage too but they're having so many requests they have to close it early and often say just use it in an emergency. I'm just too scared to use it and wouldn't know what to say. I'll just have to stick to Duty. It is true that I've not done anything hugely risky even though I haven't been able to contact Duty so I probably am fine without extra support. Please don't think I'm making excuses though. I promise I'm not.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My support worker wants me to go for a walk with the mindfulness group on Friday. She doesn't listen when I say I'm finding it hard to be outside. She pushed me into saying I'd go. I can't freak out in front of everyone if anything scares me or leaves me anxious or upset so I'm going to have to work so hard to keep a mask on. It's messing with my schedule too which will add to my anxiety. I feel so low. My next Risperidone decrease is supposed to be tomorrow if the chemist gets it right. I feel very alone with everything.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think a mindfulness group would actually be an ok place to freak out! But I get your reasons for not wanting to go. Maybe have a new routine for that day, start psyching yourself up for it now? Good luck with the next risperidone decrease.
I'm not sure if they'll be doing mindfulness stuff this time. They couldn't book a hall so are going for a walk instead. They could do mindfulness outside though with all the sights and sounds etc. Mindfulness makes me anxious plus the problems I have with being outside. I don't want to freak out, it would be embarrassing. I can hardly walk to the chemist and back home without something affecting me and that's a short journey. I'm so stupid, I can't be a proper semi human. The chemist has sorted my next Risperidone decrease, let's see how this goes.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Some from R/V, think I need some support and advice.
I'm feeling really low. Got up later than I wanted to. Going to get my prescription left me upset after being outside. I don't know how I'm going to manage the walk tomorrow because I don't think I'll be allowed to say no to it when they phone to make sure I don't have covid. Maybe having a chat on the walk will make it easier, I'm not sure. I don't want to get upset and feel like there's no way out. I really am just feeling awful today. I don't know if it's because of the continued Risperidone decrease. I'm on 3mg now. I just wish I could have a decent talk with someone about how I'm feeling and what's going on. That's probably what Duty is for but, hey. They're sometimes not helpful and just ask what my plans are for the rest of the day without really talking to me. Plus I don't know if I have any phone bravery today. Will see. Got a whole day to get through and then go to bed and worry about what time I will get up.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm just going to give up on reaching out I think. I'll just be passive and let other people decide what way they want to treat me. I've had enough. And I know that giving up loses me the right to talk here about how I'm feeling because I'm not trying my best and people will be angry.