Triggering (Abuse) - dissociative distress thread

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I've missed quite a lot but I'm not feeling up to going through it all. I have been reading though and I am thinking of each and every one of you.

I have huge news and I think I can post it on this thread now.

I've been with my partner for five years. I love him ever so much. But there is every type of abuse possible in the relationship. In the last few weeks I've been really thinking about how I need to face up to it and do something about it... Yesterday I told my mum about the financial and some of the physical abuse and that gave me the strength and validation I needed. I've now started the breaking up process. When I last spoke to him yesterday afternoon he refused to believe me, so we'll see how it is today.

I know I'm making the right decision but I feel overwhelmed and I feel so bad about hurting him too.

[hidingme]

hannah

*trying to be gentle..or as much as is possible for me*
we understand your feelings esp. Hiding. but think of this.. why should you try to spare his feelings? I mean.. does he spare yours when he is abusive to you?
we are very proud that you are taking this big and scarey step to get away from the abuse.
Hiding esp. knows how very hard that is to do. and we tend to relive it alot in our memories.

Hang in there and be strong ..you can do this and you are doing the right thing.. time to think of what is best for Hannah . Time to put her needs first... you are worth it and you deserve happiness and peace.
Very proud of you.
SADIE (w/Hiding)

[[Fog]]

Thank you so much *Hugs*. That means a lot to me.

I keep thinking what you said - that I feel awful about hurting him, but I was left to hurt so many times. It's tricky because I'm so fragmented and so good at dissociating I don't remember a lot of it and what I do remember has been kind of boxed off and I've pretended it never happened. But it did. You don't have flashbacks about a relationship where everything's hunky dory.

It's just so difficult. Since we very first met it's like I've been tied to him, like I've been under a spell. I've never been able to explain it or understand it, but I'd always stick by him no matter what he did to me. So it's really overwhelming to be doing that now, after five years.

There's no going back now that I've told my mum the parts of it that I told her yesterday, that's why I told her, so that I couldn't change my mind. I feel so mixed up and it's hard to know what I'm feeling and thinking, but there's definitely relief in there.

[[Fog]]

Mandy - Nice to meet you :-] In my experience, unfortunately manic doesn't always been happy. I had a really bad manic episode at the end of last year and it was horrible, it was like I had all these terrible thoughts and I had all this energy at the same time. Is there anything you can do to calm your mind? Maybe go for a walk, listen to loud music, or try to do a puzzle?

I feel really on edge. He isn't awake yet. We arranged to talk again today and I'm feeling really worked up about it because it's going to be awful when he realises that I'm not going to change my mind. I feel so guilty for doing this to him but I'm not going to change my mind. I know this is the right thing to do. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

[hidingme]

*hugs Hannah*
your welcome. I was worried about Sadie writing that..afraid shed be too harsh cause well it makes her angry..not with you but with him.. but surprisingly she did good.

I know how hard it is and Iknow how you say you feel tied to him.. my marriage to ex lasted 8 yrs longer than it should have! lol

but i think that with abuse.. esp. mentally and emotional.. you feel lost like there is no way you can ever stay breathing on your own.. but you know.. they want us to feel that way.
you are right too.. he didnt care how he hurt you or made you feel- just like my ex didnt care. so why should you care now? i know its a hard concept when your nature is like mine- understanding, caring, empathic, sympathetic and hating to hurt people,,, but well guess that is why I have sadie LMAO!! - she rolled her eyes haha-

Just think of this way- youve wasted 5 yrs on him and nothing has changed..if anything its gotten worse right?
you do not deserve to waste the rest of yourlife being abused.. youve been thru too much already and its time for you .. to try to heal some.

*big hugs*
i know its hard ..im here if you need me ok?
Hiding

[[Fog]]

Thank you Hiding. And Sadie wasn't harsh at all, she was really lovely actually!!

Yeah you're right. Up until now I've never even been able to imagine not being with him. But talking about my ex in therapy kind of opened up a whole load of other things and I've been having flashbacks about stuff with my boyfriend, and that's not right. I've been realising more and more that what happened in the past is profoundly wrong, and even if I could move past that, the way things are now in the present is also profoundly wrong. And I don't think it can ever be fixed.

It's really really hard knowing how devastating this is going to be to him, and I feel so awful about it. Just because I'm breaking up with him doesn't mean that I don't love him and care about him, so it's dreadful knowing what I'm going to do to him. But I know it's the right decision.

I feel like I'm still in shock to be honest. I've been up all night but it still doesn't seem real.

Thank you for your support. And I'm so sorry that you went through such awful things with your ex - I'm glad that it is over for you now. xxx

[hidingme]

hi mandy-
its ok to repeat hon.. I dont mind.
Manic is not always happy..its like really rough waves in a storm.. really low lows and really high pointy peaks.
hang in there hon.

Hannah~
it'll be ok ..just stand your ground. I sorta took my leaving my ex husband the cowardly way out.. I packed stuff in garbage bags then one morning after he left for work, I called a cab, went and withdrew my daughter from school and my daughter and I hid out in a rat hole motel for 2 days.. i wouldnt even let her look out the window and i wouldnt answer his calls on my cell.
but point is- i got through it and very thankful I did ..just wished I;d done it alot sooner.

Stand your ground hon. be brave sweetie. you CAN do this.
im here if you need me ok..? pm anytime
Hiding

[[Fog]]

Mandy - ^ Rough waves in a storm is such a good way to describe it. I hope you're ok.

Hiding - That sounds terrible, I'm so sorry you went through that. But I'm so pleased that that is in the past for you now *hugs*. I live with my family nowadays, I used to live with him but I had to move back home when I got really poorly just before my first admission, so at least that bit is easier. I'll be on later to let you know how it goes on the phone.. Thank you so much for your support xxx

[hidingme]

thanks Hannah. and Sadie was saying "SEEE..I AM nice.." lol

anyhow- well when i left my ex.. I went into what I call "robot mode" my emotions and anxiety and everything just gone.. was really odd for me.. not sure what that was about really..
but it was like that morning..i was not me at all. i knew what I was doing and all just I had absolutely no emotions over it all ..and normally i cant live w.o emotions ..

anyhow- sorry distracted there,,lol
my point- even tho you feel guilty and worried now for him always rember how he has NEVER cared about your feelings when he was abusing you. anger is a very good motivation in things like this..as long as they are under control.. (Sadie is talking me to death now with that comment)

anyhow- you can do this ok hon. you are not alone. youll make it and be better off.
Hiding

[ghosts in the machine]

lostboys - That sounds very stressful and terrifying for the phone calls to start again. Just as a question; could you change your phone number? Might that help, or would they be able to get access to it again quickly?

I know you think your T won't believe you, but have you let her know that the phone calls are coming? Maybe you could tell her a small part of the memories and then build up from there? For what it's worth, after hearing you speak about her on the forums, I think she would believe you.

Hannah - good luck with talking to him today. Maybe you could try some grounding / mindfulness exercises to calm down, and see if that helps reduce the nausea? It's helped me occasionally in the past...


I'm feeling really... sad. I think it's sad. My stomach feels like it's dropped out of existance and there's a huge black hole sitting inside my chest, sucking everything in and crushing it. Feels like tears are going to leak out of my eyes but there aren't any. I'm not sure if it's me who's feeling this or someone inside, but everyone's being particularly quiet and won't talk.

Think it's gonna be just 'one of those days'...

[hidingme]

anytime hannah..goodluck and take care.. (and yes it wont be AS difficult since you arent living with him..you are lucky there)
Hiding

[hidingme]

hang in there Scath. Sometimes when I wake up feeling bad emotionally it helps if i just go back to sleep..wake up later and try again hehe

hope your days gets better
Hiding

[ghosts in the machine]

Thanks Hiding, I might try that. Usually I'll play music, but nothing's really appealing to me right now (which says a lot about my mood 'cause music is always something that helps). Or maybe I'll play the Xbox for a while. I dunno.

[hidingme]

ok gl hope you feel better hon
Hiding

[hidingme]

i reeli wana talkin chat sombodi..i wana chat sombodi who bes saf an no bes meen to me cuz of how i typs.

i reeli lonli an bord..
Hiding say i need go bak seep.. mayb we all need tri gos bak seep.

i sad an lonli an bord.
Sarah

[ghosts in the machine]

Hi Sarah, my name is Shadow.

I agree; being sad and lonely and bored is never a nice way to feel. Can you think of something which might make you feel better? Colouring, watching a video, or playing a computer game maybe? I'm going to be here for another 10 minutes or so if you want to talk to me for a little bit?

Shadow

[hidingme]

hi shadow. tank you. yeh it no fun at al.
i has loony toons i can wach but evritim i dos wach tem i fals aslep hehe

i hat tis body it so old and big an hurties me lots.
Sarah

[ghosts in the machine]

One of the younger ones in here says that about our body too, that it's big and clunky and she doesn't like it.

Looney Tunes sounds like fun, I remember watching them ages ago. Which is your favourite character? Bugs Bunny? Porky Pig? Someone else?

Shadow

[hidingme]

Tis weeken bes reeli hard.. we bes reel swchee an Hiding hav bad anxity an hers alredi no wana go werk on monda

bodi hurties i no liks it at al. =(

[hidingme]

hi narkissa. yals bes makin lots mor of yous latly huh?
how you bes?

Shadow.
my faverit is tweetybirdie.. he litl liks me an he cut and I liks wen he sing songs.
Sarah