What's quite funny is that you probably think I've forgotten everything from then. I haven't. I keep reading everything you sent, and everything I read just f*cking...hurts. It hurts a stupid amount. I don't know what this is at all, but it's quite daft. I need to see you before summer. Before this gets worse. I was an arse to you. I really f*cking was. You still care about me and love me a crazy amount. Every so often you send me a text telling me how much you miss me. We grew up, we never grew apart. I get that now. I got it ages ago.
Perfect figure, nice this? nice that?
I dont see it. I dont see how anyone could see me as perfect.
I am so jealous of you in fact.
I didnt eat all day at collage though. did you? Then again i ate lots at home...
Im beyond failing...suddenl;y i look horrible in everything and i feel like breaking.
Its almost stopped me form leaving the house. urgh. Im fucking shit.
how can you judge something youve never experienced, ''if you do that ill dump you'' yeah thats supportive, next time ill just lie to you about how i feel, wow a relationship based on 'honesty' great, i am worth so much more than your restrictions
Nobody can know the truth...can't you see that? They will all hate me and I can't cope with it. I can't cope with what he said coming true. Please don't tell anyone else...please...
Firstly, to Harrods. I went to London with my friend a while ago and we both went into the store. Fishing around through the designer clothes I found a dark blue GORGEOUS evening dress. £900. I fell in love with it and judging it to be about my size I slipped the coathanger over my head so I could see how it looked against me. But as I pulled it off again, I heard a rip as it stuck under my chin. It still stayed on the hanger but I could see a small gash in the side. I put it back on the rail and walked away. Sorry.
Secondly, to my friend, Becca. I borrowed your umbrella for my art exam, simply to take a photograph. I meant to give it back the same day but I forgot and it'd still be there the next day. The next day came and I changed my design which needed cutting up an umbrella, don't worry, I didn't use yours - I found a rusty one in lost property. Thing is, when we were tidying up I (being a rather messy person) had a lot to tidy. Your umbrella looked the same as the one I'd cut up, and went in the bin with it. I realised just a few moments later, but after I'd run back, the bin had been emptied, and your umbrella taken away. I'd told you "I can't find it - I'll get it back tomorrow", but you won't be getting it back. Sorry.
Next, to you, Jordan. I hear you're taking Cassie to the prom. That's fine, I hope you're happy. I don't still love you, I don't still fancy you, but I damn well miss you. "If I could reverse time..": The words I've said so many times, to so many people. This time I mean it. Nothing's the same. And I know you sucked off Sam, and got him to lie about it, maybe he was wrong about the timing, but I know it happened. That's fine too. There are still a million things I don't understand, biggest being; When you went out with Sam, you told me even though you knew I liked you. When you went out with me, you said I couldn't tell Kayla because she still liked you, were you ashamed of me? Playing me with Kayla? I had to lie to the girl I now consider a friend.
To Jade. I miss you. I miss you so much. I think I know when exams are over it still won't go back to how it was, I'm OK with that, I'm sure its for the best, I just miss you. And I want to know why you've rolled your sleeves up so everybody can see your scars. I don't understand how you can do that!
Heather. You saw the scars on my wrist but I don't want to talk about it. I'm 7 weeks free (until last night), but you wouldn't understand that.
Ollie. So glad we're close again. You're amazing. I hope we never fall out again. THANK YOU for forgiving me.
Loz. You disgust me. I deal with it, for Ollie's sake.
Keggy. Im so sorry for everything I did to you. I hope we can be close again, when I hug you, it feels special. When I lean my head on your shoulder, I feel good. Why did I choose Jordan over you? Sorry x
Stoney. Will you go to the prom with me?
Mum. Yeah, it was me who did the cut on my arm. Thanks for patching me up. I love you. x
Don't tell me it takes two when I never had a choice. God that made me angry. Sigh. Breathe....ok. Look, we both know the real reason behind all those pretty words. The real reason is that I'm not worth it to you. Fine. You aren't worth it to me, either. You never deserved me... I always gave you the best of what I had, and what do I get in return? Absolutely nothing. Because that's what we are. Good fucking work.
I hate you. No i don't hate you, i love you, you're my mum - but right now i'm SO angry that all i feel is hate.
You don't have a clue. You don't have a clue. You don't have a clue.
He means the absolute world to me. He's changed my life around. He makes me. Yes we bicker, yes we've fought - but who hasn't.
"Bloke's still around but causing more stress than ever. Hope she finds a new job and a new bloke soon hahah."
Do you think i couldn't hear? You were only in the other room.
That 'bloke' isn't causing more stress than ever, that 'bloke' is keeping me sane and stopping me from doing stupid things. That 'bloke' is the one that makes me smile and laugh when i don't think it's possible. So don't even go there.
He's trying with you - it can't be easy for him to keep making an effort when it's so blatent that you and dad don't like him...but he keeps trying - he keeps trying to prove how much we mean to each other, and how he wants you to take us seriously. His family have been amazing to me, why can't you do that back?
I love him mum. What i heard you say hurt so much. You know nothing about it and nothing about me so don't even try and have an opinion. You know nothing.
I'm sorry I'm being such a bitch, I just don't have the energy to talk to anyone right now. Try to put up with me, and if you can't, no one is forcing you to talk to me.
