My mother finally came to visit me early the next morning before she went to work. At 6.30am, she poked her head around the curtains and sighed as she saw my eyes were open; disappointment for having to make awkward small talk with me? I wasnt sure. She sat on the chair next to my bed where Mary had sat the day before and shakily took my hand. It was hot, clammy and uncomfortable, but I stayed put, clutching her fingers like I used to when I was little.
Because thats how I felt. Like a little girl; small, clingy and desperately needing someone to look after her. My face flushed red slightly as I thought of this concept of needing my mother; I was going to be eighteen in a matter of hours; legally an adult myself. I shouldnt need anyone. I should be going off to University in five months or travelling around the world like I always wanted to do. I should be normal. But here I was, hindering my physical progress in life as well as my mental state
At that moment, something inside my head snapped. I wanted to get better. I wanted to be rid of this monster on one side of me named Anorexia. Not as easy as that. It wasnt going to be easy and I sure as hell was not prepared for just how difficult it would be. In alliance with my anorexia, self-harm was another monster on the other side of me. Each pulling me in opposite directions, frequently having an upper hand over the other; the more I ate, the more I cut. The less I cut, the less I ate. However, most of the time it was an even game of Tug-o-war, with both being as bad as each other.
I looked at my mother and she smiled sympathetically at me; as if she knew exactly what was going on in my head. I smiled back and opened my mouth to say the three words she had been waiting to hear, but it snapped shut with one of my monsters hands under my chin; refusing to let my jaw open, the other hand clasped over my mouth. Always in alliance. My mother tilted her head in confusion, then let it go, putting her free hand into her bag and pulling out a few envelopes, each covered in doodles of hearts, swirls, circles and anything else imaginable. She handed them to me and I pulled my hands away from hers taking the pile of envelopes and taking my time to read my name on each of them; trying to figure out who had written the before I opened it and saw if I was wrong or right.
There were around seven or eight cards from close friends from college who wished me well and hoped I was going to get better soon. Some were filled with inside jokes and memories of times with that particular person as well as a few photographs of me with a couple of them. Inside a card from my friend Yasmine, there was quite a large pile of photographs inside and flicking through, I caught sight of a photo of the both of us running towards whoever had been holding the camera at the time. I chuckled to myself as I remembered it being a few moments before I had tripped over one of my laces, which had come loose from my shoe and fallen flat on my face into a very large puddle. In anticipation, I looked at the next photograph and the evidence of my trip was laid out in front of me. A picture had been taken of me on the floor laughing, clutching my knee and covered in dirty water. Next to me, pointing and giggling was Yasmine. I began laughing and my mother leaned over to look at the picture, a rare sign of laughter fell from her lips.
I carried on looking through all of my cards until I came to the last envelope. Without having to think, I knew it was from Katie straight away, the child-like handwriting leaping off into my face. I eagerly opened it, waiting for more photographs and cards to fall into my lap. Instead, a single folded piece of paper fell out into my hand. I unfolded it and began to read:
Dear Kiera,
Do you remember when we first met each other? I do. We were both six years old and I asked you if you wanted to make mud pies with me. But, being Kiera, you squealed at my muddy face and hands and tried to run away. Do you remember? You tripped over and fell onto wet grass, crying because you got your favourite jeans all dirty, covered in mud, just like I was. You thought your mum was going to tell you off! But she didnt did she? She just told you to be more careful next time. Then you wouldnt even eat worms with me!
I smiled as I remembered, then carried on reading:
We were inseparable for years werent we? But, like all good things, that had to come to an end.
I remember the first time I thought you were having a little bit of trouble. We were about fourteen and you asked me if I thought you were fat. Of course I said no, I was jealous of your figure! But you were insistent and even refused to eat lunch that day. I didnt really take much notice of it. I know Ive skipped a few meals before and I see other girls doing it all the time. I just wish Id known what to look out for back then. Because if I could turn back time, I would have got you help or shoved food down your throat or something.
I started seeing cat scratches on your arms as well. You dont even have a cat! Youd say it was the neighbours cat and I didnt question it. I didnt want to have an argument with you; I just wanted to believe you would never do anything like that.
And now, nearly four years down the line, look at you. Ive wanted to tell you for years, but you look awful. You look like a skeleton with skin wrapped around you. Its disgusting and I blame myself for not being able to stop you sooner. But Ive researched eating disorders and it says you can hide it so, so well cant you?
Well, you fooled all of us.
So can you do us all this one favour and try and get better? Your health is deteriorating and youre going to die if you dont do something soon.
I love you so much and I cant stand the thought of losing you.
Love, Katie.
I threw the piece of paper onto the floor and buried my head in my hands, sobbing like there was no tomorrow. For once in what felt like forever, I felt my mothers arms wrap around me and give me a slight squeeze; reassuring me everything was going to be okay.
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
i love this story so much it's really heartwarming. it's an amazing story.
we are the broken
we are thewounded
we are theshattered
we are the unheard
we are the brave
we are the strong we are Survivors. and..... we are the future
we fallen can still rise by the wings of hope that lifts us~
