Life, please... no more - Page 16

Kahlia1981 · 24-09-2009, 11:52 AM

A friend of mine from the past just sent me an email asking me whether I wanted to catch up with her on Saturday for my birthday. I don't know what to respond. She has stood me up on three occasions which makes me wary of saying yes, but I would like to go out for my birthday...

Ach I hate making decisions...

crazykat · 24-09-2009, 01:38 PM

*cuddles Kahlia* You are definetely not better off dead, your life is worth living. I know that's hard to see right now but please keep trying you will get through this. In regards to your friend I am unsure what to suggest I think only you can make that decision. Let me know if there is anything I can do. Take care
Kat xxx

Kahlia1981 · 25-09-2009, 03:12 AM

*cuddles Kat* ~ Thank you.

I have decided to say yes to my friend but not expect her to turn up. That way if she doesn't turn up I won't be overly disappointed and if she does turn up it will be a lovely surprise. I could do with a few nice surprises at the moment ... I feel like I'm being dragged out to sea with the tide.

My mood is still low. It distresses me when it drops like this because I don't know how to make it go back up again. I wish I knew what I could do. On another website I had commented that my new tdoc thinks I'll be completely fixed in 18 hours and that I couldn't see how that could be possible... Someone replied that the problems could be less and that therapy doesn't have to drag on for years, but I still don't see it. I know that we are dealing with a lot of complex issues and if they try CBT on me it won't work. I don't quite know what to do or even at the moment what to think. Life is just getting me down.

I want out....

crazykat · 25-09-2009, 03:35 AM

*cuddles Kahlia* I wish I could make it better I really do, sorry I don't have any advice but I am here for you

Kahlia1981 · 25-09-2009, 05:52 AM

I'm on the countdown to my birthday now. I don't really want to celebrate my birthday. With every year that passes I'm reminded of all the time I've lost from things like my study because of my illness. I want to be free to do what I want to do, to study what I want to study, to work and be good at a job that I enjoy, to go out and have fun and be like any normal 27 - almost 28 - year old. I guess I'm just too different having had to deal with a mental illness from age 16 or so.

I'm sorry for complaining so much. I guess I should look at the positive side; I'm still alive despite several close calls, I have two close friends and I have my family...

shadowedseraph · 25-09-2009, 01:38 PM

*hugs Kahalia* i can empathise with the feelings of loosing time to your illness everytime i drag myself up it pushes me down! But your birthday should be a happy time :) celebrate being alive for another year, even if you feel like dying. Oh im being no help at all! sorry

crazykat · 26-09-2009, 07:49 AM

i understand what your saying Kahlia, I sometimes feel like this too. Its hard when you see those around you have already finished their schooling and in a good job but your doing your best that's all you can do *cuddles*

Kahlia1981 · 26-09-2009, 04:22 PM

Well my birthday has come and gone and I still feel good. Actually at the moment I should be asleep but my brain doesn't want to let me get to sleep so I guess I'm going to be having a night of little sleep. Thankfully I can get away with that as long as it doesn't happen too often. My birthday went well. I decided to say yes to my friend and she turned up with my goddaughter. We went out to lunch and I enjoyed myself. My housemate cooked me dinner and then we decided to go out on the town. We only got home not too long ago. I drank 3 bourbon and cokes before we went out, then had another three there plus a Canadian Club whisky and a Pulse (vodka, soda and guarana drink). I'm not even tipsy ... I probably should be, but oh well. Anyway yesterday passed nicely. Now I just have to get through my sisters birthday lol.

crazykat · 27-09-2009, 08:01 AM

Glad you had a nice birthday *hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 28-09-2009, 11:36 PM

I've been getting a shooting pain down the arm that had the shoulder surgery. It comes out of nowhere and is pretty intense when it happens. So intense that it takes up my whole attention. I'd really like it if it went away. I rang surgical clinics to talk to them about it and they made me an appointment with the surgeon, but it's not until October 20th. So I made an appointment with my GP to try and get some pain meds. I need something strong. At least it's not a permanent pain - it's intermittent but debilitating when it strikes.

While I'm at the GP's office I'm going to try and convince him that I need to stay on the extra lithium a day. I don't know how I'm going to go with that. I expect that he'll order a blood test but I know that my results would be within the therapeutic range because I'm not having any toxicity symptoms. But still.... I'm not game to drop it incase I drop back down into a down mood.

Wish me luck...

crazykat · 29-09-2009, 01:14 PM

Best of luck with your GP *hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 05-10-2009, 11:43 AM

It's been awhile since I've written because I've been IP.

They didn't do anything with my medication but managed to stress me to the max. I guess I should say that didn't really do anything to my meds, they have put me on clonazapam to help me sleep and control my anxiety. But they didn't address the concerns with the low mood and the hallucinations or anything like that. It's frustrating.

On a good note, I saw the psycho physio today and she understood where the pain in my arm has been coming from. Apparantly there's a lot of internal scar tissue which the orthopaedic surgeon wants to stay there so that my shoulder stabilises but it's affecting the nerves. So my physio has cut down the exercises and stuff and given me some nerve exercises to help cope with the pain. Thank god she took me seriously.

*big hugs to anyone that reads this because I need them*

crazykat · 05-10-2009, 11:51 AM

*Hugs Kahlia* Sorry to hear they weren't that great in IP, its frustating when they don't take everything into account. Are you out of IP now? Glad the pyshio took you seriously *Hugs some more*

Kahlia1981 · 05-10-2009, 10:53 PM

*hugs Kat back*

Yeah I'm home from IP. Thanks for the hugs and kind words.

~*forever_broken*~ · 06-10-2009, 12:44 AM

*hugs*

I'm sorry that IP did more harm than good luv. Glad you are out though.

*more squishes*

Kahlia1981 · 06-10-2009, 02:33 AM

*hugs Alyssa back*

I'm glad I'm out too. Now I just have to see what happens next ...

crazykat · 06-10-2009, 12:48 PM

*Leaves some more cuddles for Kahlia*

Kahlia1981 · 07-10-2009, 12:00 AM

*cuddles Kat tightly*

I went and saw a GP yesterday to get a referral to a pdoc without the crisis team getting involved. And I asked for a new psychologist. I have to ring the surgery up about that today at about midday and they'll book me in with a GP and get them to write me a new Mental Health Care Plan for a different psychologist. I just hope the new psychologist works out a bit better than the last one.

The gentle exercises my physio gave me are helping with the shooting nerve pains thank goodness. I'm only on stage one of a three stage set of exercises but I think they might cut through the pain and be really helpful.

My regular GP is apparantly on stress leave. I really liked seeing him because he was down to earth and hated the crisis team for their incompetence. The doctor I saw yesterday has a real hatred for the crisiss team because they basically killed on of his patients by refusing treatment. When I told him that the crisis team was stonewalling everything he told me that they couldn't find their arse with both hands. It felt really good to have my thoughts echoed by someone in the system.

I'm possibly going to have to fight to have my diagnoses at the hospital overturned even though it's been overturned before and then swapped back. I'm just so frustrated with the hospital system. I chose to be discharged instead of waiting another day because I knew that they weren't going to do anything except sit on their hands and hope that I'd go away or magically get better. It just makes me want to scream.

On a good note I have made an appointment with a DEN (disability employment network) member that I used to go to in order to try and get back into the workforce so that I can have some structure in my day. I'm more than just a little nervous about it especially since I'm still not well but I think that having something else to concentrate on might help me.

My housemate admitted that he loves me last night. I love him too. He is scared of love so I told him that we should take it slowly and just see where things lead. He knows that I want to have kids in the future and he sees that as a big step. I told him that I don't want to have kids right now but when I'm ready and if I'm still with him, when he is ready. I feel a bit like the odd one out in my family with no children but I'm happy to take things as they come.

This has become a bit of a ramble so I'll go for the moment.

*hugs anyone who reads this post*

crazykat · 07-10-2009, 11:10 AM

*Hugs* Glad the GP you saw was understanding, makes a world of difference doesn't it. I hope the referral goes through ok and you get someone decent. Thats great to hear the physio is helping a bit too.

Kahlia1981 · 08-10-2009, 12:42 AM

I heard from my last private pdoc yesterday as he is writing a letter that sets out my diagnosis and so forth and he told me that I have schizoaffective disorder and from the trauma in my childhood dissociative personality disorder - the old multiple personality disorder. It came as something of a shock but makes a lot of things more understandable. It doesn't make them disappear, but still...

I'm doing relatively okay at the moment. Feeling very lonely as my housemate is out seeing a pdoc. So I've just been keeping myself as busy as I can.