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i don't have dissociative identity disorder but i have "parts" that i am aware of. i can't work out if they're literal/real or not, as in, really existing as separate entities. i know i don't have DID because i am aware of the parts and usually i am in control of when they come. also they don't always "take over" me, sometimes i talk to them. sometimes they do become me but more in that i take on aspects of them. one of them does horrible things to herself, really scary things, and i feel like i have to as well. i know i don't have to but i feel like my insides are falling out and it makes me not be able to sleep and it makes me squirmy. sorry i'm not explaining well. maybe i could bring them here sometime. does anyone else identify?
apologies, i feel a bit like i am taking and not giving, i do that a lot with abuse-type issues as rarely am i strong enough to deal with such issues. i hope to be of more use soon though.
Insides falling out feeling is something I know very well. For me, it's one of the primitive anxieties I feel when not feeling 'held' or when things feel out of my control.
bb... that may be what you were told, taught, but its never the case
its hard to break through that kinda stuff but it is possible, and i'm talking from personal experience
so often those that have been told they're bad and can only be bad don't get the chance they never had to express what's true for them until someone takes that strong step, to be loving in the face of what's there
and that person can then have the chance to take that first step, to be loving and accept that all they were supposed to be doesnt have to be the case
bb i think i can understand what's going on for you. it may be helpful if you look up a forum called the freedom room where there are others who have had pretty much the same experiences
i can relate to that Eleutheros. i have a 5yr old girl who takes all the crap now, and took it when we were very young (abuse back then and now surgery). she won't give up what she chooses to do and i have no control over when she does act, but she does know i love her and i protect her in other ways
Eleutheros your fears are really familiar territory. i'm/we're forever doubting that we exist and with all the crap and doubt from 'normals' it doesn't help
you don't have to be DID to have parts. its all on a continuum and every single person is different. and stuff doesn't develop just because of trauma that's really obvious. there are many, many things that can trigger parts to develop more strongly/independently so that a person can survive and function
sensitivity suggests a need to be sensitive. that comes with the territory with being a survivor of several things and having dissociative things going on of one form or another
and please remember that the definitions and diagnoses are categories for professionals to slot folks into for treatment selection. the reality is quite often in between the nicely defined descriptions of DID, depersonalisation, derealisation, DDNOS, DESNOS, dissociative fuges etc and all the rest of the labels. generalisations are easy but glib! reality is far more 'interesting'
That makes it quite uncomfortable...
Have you got a therpist or someone who you can talk to?
We find writing helps us sort out whats going on. When we're 'switchy' constantly switching we leave a notebook nearby or our online journal up for them to use.
Sometimes having things written down helps make more sense out of the situation.
Even if the writing only lets you know who is out, or what someone is thinking about.
Are you able to speak with your parts about whats causing them distress?
Hope you are OK
I have a therapist I see her every Monday, but we don't talk about it much and she accuses me of being 'seductive" for talking about my alters but not allowing them to speak to her.
Yes, I usually do wrting, but right now i cant realy focus.
I am afrid to talk to them Jade hates me she will hurt me she doesnt care about anyone.
Im sorry im such a waste of space on ths thread right now, but thanks for replyying.
You definetely aren't a waste of space, and you don't need to thank us for the reply.
We understand what its like to be too unfocused to write.
Is there a reason you don't allow your alters to speak in therapy?
What she said about you being seductive doesn't sound very supportive...
We think you are likely to find that Jade is hurt and scared inside, but puts on a very tough front.
Do you know why Jade wants to hurt you?
Let her know she is in a safe place, try and comfort her if you can....
Hopefully this reply will be more coherent than my previous ones, I am feeling more together today.
I don't allow my alters to speak in therapy partly because I think they have no right to take up my time when I was created first, I'm afraid of what they will say, and I'm afraid Jade will hurt the therapist. I'm also afraid I will sound either nuts or ridiculous, tbh.
Jade hates me, but she hates everything and everyone. When she comes out, bad things happen and I have gotten in trouble before because of it. She is just out to hurt everyone before they can hurt her, I think.
my psychiatrist once called them "the crew". i liked that term. like a team. because even though they aren't always very helpful to themselves or each other, they've survived, and sometimes they try to help each other.
We call ourselves insiders. All though we have names for different networks inside our system.
It's getting closer and closer to xmas. Terrifying anniversaries.
Our system is going a little nuts.
Anyone else having trouble with the holiday season?
With me, it's just me and Katrina. But Katrina can sort of.. multiply. I often call them 'Katrina's Posse' because they are unfortunately like a dangerous inner city gang. Totally opposite to the quiet, shy, submissive, withdrawn and anxious self I grew up with. Katrina was lurking in the sidelines.
I had a dream right back at the beginning of therapy about a female football team called 'The KTs'. Which sums it up pretty nicely too!
We've just lost over an hour. Another of those pictures..oh no.
We're trying to find out who drew them, asking inside, no-one knows.
We think its a youngster from the labrynth.
Thanks for the support, we're doing some writing and distracting to help be grounded. Its partly the darned holidays
How are you guys?
