Gorgeous beautiful Ally, I love you so much and I wish I could get out this place for a day to come and see you but I don't think they would let me travel that far. Am thinking of you heaps though and will give you a call soon. You can get through this and you will always have my support.
thankyou so much for the support everyone, I'm sorry I'm not replying individually but have read all your replies, and really appreiciate it.
So, I'm being discharged for 8 days tomorrow morning before coming back in for another 40, and I am so so scared about going home. Mainly because my ED has in plan for me to restrict and lose as much as I can and generally be self destructing. And I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to fight it off. I actually dont want to, I'm so sorry.
I just dont know what to do. I dont want to undo the work that I've done in here, but at the same time I am disgusted with myself, I still can't look in the mirror and I cant stand being in my own skin. I dont see how I can feel any better without losing weight.
I'm sorry, I dont even know what I'm asking for... sorry for bumping.
*cuddles gently* going home and taking responsibility for your own safety after time in hospital can be incredibly scary, however it is important to remember that you are in control of your actions, not those eating disordered thoughts. It might be worth making a list of the negatives of giving in to eating disordered thoughts and returning to those behaviours, for example the various damage it does your body, the effect on other people, how much harder it will be when you are back in hospital if you've given the behaviours free reign then have to stop them etc etc.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
First of all, sorry for bumping you guys must be so sick of me :|
And thankyou Katy, I really appreciate the reply
Unfortunately things have really gone downhill since I got home, I've been physically ill which has made it so much easier to not eat... I know I shouldnt be happy about that but some twisted part of me is.
What I have eaten I've purged, andI'm coping by drinking vodka with my pillls and sleeping. Not ideal I know but I dont know what else to do.
I've tried calling the EDP (eating disorders programs), but I've not been able to get onto anyone useful, I feel so alone, and I'm wondering if I should go back in or not, right now I just feel like giving up. It's weak I know and I'm sorry, it's just how I feel right now.
I dont really know what I want from this thread honestly, maybe I just needed to get it off my chest, but any support would be so much appreciated. I'm sorry that I cant reciprocate right now.
hey no need to apologise. I'm so sorry being at home has made you worse again. How come you can't get anyone at the edp? Can you try again? Do people at home know how much you're still struggling? hope it will get better soon.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry that being at home has been so bad for you. I don't have many words right now but please always knows that I love you so so much and am always thinking of you.
I'm so sorry you are struggling Ally, and I'm glad that you post here, because we love you and want to support you!
I know the process can sometimes me difficult getting to talk to the right people and such, but just keep asking them to direct you to the person who can get the ball rolling on getting you the help you need. Be persistent with them. It is their job to help.
Honestly? I don't think it would be a bad idea to go back into the hospital. The alcohol with the pills is really not a safe thing. If you can't keep yourself safe, you should let the hospital help you out.
I love you
I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult sweetheart. I confess it concerns me that you are mixing vodka with pills, have you checked that the pills are okay to be taken with alcohol?
With regards to the purging do you have anyone around you who could help distract you after you've eaten? I also find when I need to eat but find it hard to bring myself to do it/not purge afterwards, that reading a book whilst eating can help, it distracts me while the food goes in, and if lucky then the book absorbs me to the degree that I can think 'I can purge but after this chapter' then after that chapter 'I can purge, but after this next chapter' and so on and so forth until it's too late to purge anyway.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
thankyou so much for the support everyone, it means the world to me that I have you guys.
So... last night I ended up at A&E after taking too much valium and alcohol, I called the EDP (eating disorders program) last night because I just couldnt stop drinking and they called an ambulance and my family, was in hospital until early this morning, now am back at the EDP for another 40 days, not sure how I feel about that but I guess at least I'm safe?
I'm feeling really impulsive and just want to leave right now even though deep down I know this is the right place for me at the moment. Had my night meds early so hopfully they will kick in soon and I can sleep, only had about 3 hours sleep last night.
Can I just ask for some support to stick with the program and not to just run back to my ED which is what I want right now?
Thankyou again for all your support, you guys are amazing, love you all xx
Ally I was so worried about you love, I am really really glad you called and got the help you needed. Very proud of you for doing that, and very glad too. I couldn't imagine losing you and I am sure your family couldn't either - were they supportive? I am very glad you're safe now.
Please stick with the program, it is clear you need this support now and you are so precious to us I couldn't bear to lose you. Please keep fighting the ED, you deserve a life better than this chaos and you CAN get there. You really can and we are here for you the whole whole whole way. Every single step.
I love you so much sweetheart, I love you so much.
I'm really sorry to have worried you Aimee, and thanks for saying you're proud, I wish I could say the same, I'm so ashamed for putting those I care about through all this.
My family were (understandably) very very angry at first but are supportive now.
I will try my very hardest to stick with the program, it's just so so confronting and difficult, but I dont want this to be my life, I can't handle it anymore. I just have little hope that I can get through this, hopefully that will change.
Love you heaps Aimee, thankyou so much for staying by my side through all this. xx
Ally love, you don't ever need to apologise for struggling through this. I understand, and it is okay *gentle cuddles*.
I am glad your family were able to eventually be supportive of you, and I suppose the anger rises from the fact they'd be scared of losing you. Cause you're a very precious and wonderful person, even though you don't see it now. You will.
I understand it must be so confronting in that program, but gosh I'm proud of you for doing it. I know you don't want this to be your life but that is the beauty of this program, it is your life for a short period of time so you can then enjoy and really experience the rest of your life the way you're supposed to. You'll get there lovely.
Don't lose sight of the future, even in the tough times, cause it's always coming for you and is worth it.
Thankyou so much Aimee, I wish so much that I could see what you see. Maybe one day. I really hope that the program helps more this time, I dont think I could live with another relapse.
I have been so worried about you sweetheart with you not answering my texts. I'm on overnight leave from PARC but will try and call you before I have to go back in the afternoon. I love you so much and you have helped me in a way that I will never forget.
I'm so sorry for worrying you Andrea, I've just been in a really bad place and not really communicating with anyone; I'm sorry.
I'm really struggling right now, I was weighed this morning and I've put on X kilos since yesterday, it's really freaking me out.
Plus my best friend in here had just OD'd on alcohol and has been taken to hospital; I'm so worried about her, I dont know if she's going to be ok or not.
Can you guys please keep her in your thoughts? And could I please have a hug?
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