I've realized what's worse than the pain I'm in right now is the feeling of no escape. Sure, I'll start therapy and eventually feel better...maybe. But how long will that last? See, I thought I got over dealing with depression 4 years ago. I was done with anti-depressants and everything. I even referred to it as a thing of the past. All of a sudden it sneaks up on me again out of nowhere and worse than ever before. Really, am I doomed to repeat this pattern forever? What's the point? I can never truly be happy if I know depression can just hit me again out of nowhere! Not only am I in pain now, I don't know if I'll ever truly get over it. It'll always be there just not always on the surface. That's honestly why I think I'm just not meant for this world. I'm just scared of the alternative. I really wish I knew what was on the other side...
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
*Walks in, sits down, falls apart*
Good morning. Last night I planned every way known to man to destroy myself. I then dreamt it out. I'm tired, shaking all over and really can't see past the blackness.
Sorry just had to get that out.
*Stands up, puts smile on, laughs in a carefree way, walks out*
Hugs to all- We better still all be in this together, or I will be like the loser in the corner of life realising that they actually really are on their own. xx
Last edited by getting_by : 12-01-2012 at 09:50 AM.
Reason: added
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
I'm feeling a little suicidal. I suck at life and I don't understand my place in the world. I think i need to try and kill myself to see if it is actually possible for me to die and to take away some of the negativity in the world.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
hmm feeling extremely suicidal, just don't want to be here anymore. struggling not to go ahead with a plan.
I don't know where to go
I don't know what to be
I don't know how to change from being me
I don't know what to say
Maybe another day
I'll stop getting lost and find my way, home
All I know is gone......
*hugs to all*
Roli how you doing now?
One step closer please don't just try it out. I don't really know what else to say.
Out of ashes keep fighting buddy
Now I'm gonna be a total hippocrit (sorry bout the spelling) and say, I can't keep doing this. crisis are starting the process of discharging me. They obviously think I'm ok, if anything I'm more in crisis now that when I was first referred. Life is far too hard. I either need to die now or be locked away. I can't keep myself safe any more. I'm sick of the fight.
"I may be laying in the gutter but I'm staring up at the stars"
I've thought about it, I don't want to live, but i dont have enough will to kill myself either, honestly I dont care if I wither away and die, I dont care if I live to be 100 nothing matters to me anymore. I've got no idea what to do.
Take me away, I just want out from this self-imprisoned self-made Hell. Don't be surprsed, this is your mind coming to life by self-sacrifice. This tragedy of death will walk hand in hand with every thought of regret. Blame yourself for what you've become. The mind is a powerful thing set to self-destruct.
~I, Dementia - Whitechapel~
freakangel- Hey hun. How are you doing now? I'm really glad it wasn't lethal in the end. I'm sorry things got so bad hun. How are you doing today? Any idea whats going to happen next? Support etc. Hugs. Keep fighting, its not your time yet hun. xx
CaptainB2- It sounds like a very confusing time right now hun. I totally understand the not feeling like you belong hun, but you are here and therefore you belong. It was no accident. I hope your starting to feel better soon. Keep trying to find those things that make you feel valued or like you belong. How are you doing today? xx
Katie- How are you doing darling? xx
one_step_closer- Thank you hun. I'm sorry your struggling now. Have you ever attempted suicide? You really shouldn't try to kill yourself honey, its not the way forward. It doesn't solve anything at all. It only makes things worse and besides, if you succeed- thats it, no more opportunities for things to get better. If you don't succeed- its such a flaming traumatic thing in itself. The world would not be less negative, it would be a whole lot more.
Do you have anyone to talk to? xx
out of ashes- So sorry your struggling so much sweetie. Have you spoken to anyone about how tough things are at the moment. Please keep fighting your plans. Please reach out, to anyone. xx
muchlove- Hey honey. Not good but still here, so I must be okay, right? Thank you for asking. I'm really sorry crisis are discharging you. Did you find their support helpful? Have you spoken to anyone about how anxious you are about how they are discharging you? Have you been referred to them for long?
It sounds like things are really getting too much right now hun. Does anyone know how bad things are? You sound like you really need support right now. xx
JDenning- I certainly know that feeling. I am glad your not actively looking to end your life hun, but I am very sorry that you feel you dont care if you live or die. Is there anything that makes you feel better at all? More hopeful about the future? Keep trying to find those things that make life worth living hun. They are out there. xx
Rachel- Hugs for you if your around hun. xx
Take care all. Please keep fighting. X
Last edited by getting_by : 13-01-2012 at 07:12 PM.
Reason: missed some bits
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
I'm cutting them out -crisis team. I called for the last time today, won't be doing it again. It doesn't help. I'm out, I quit, just need to get everything in place, write a few letters then I'm out of here. Sorry everyone for being so selfish. But I just can't any more. I have no strength left.
"I may be laying in the gutter but I'm staring up at the stars"
muchlove- Come on sweetie. Please. This isnt the answer... no matter what the question is.
What did crisis say. I know there shite but please keep fighting.
There are other people that can help, they are out there. Please
x
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
There isn't anyone. Crisis have given up on me. They say if I can't keep myself safe then who can? Well I can't keep myself safe, I don't have the ability. No one can help me now. Crisis think I'm just acting out because I'm being discharged. They don't know I've been suicidal for weeks. They don't care. They have far better people to care for. There's no other option. I want out. Stop the ride, I'm getting off,..... Better still don't stop the ride and just throw me off now! :'(
"I may be laying in the gutter but I'm staring up at the stars"
Your not being selfish sweetie. I'm just trying to help. Really not sure what I can say that will help. I really hope you reconsider.
Have crisis suggested anything that might help at all?
Maybe go and see your GP- I have got a really nice one and its sometimes helpful to talk to someone.
Dont give up, please x
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
I know, I'm sorry, crisis just keep telling me to have a bath or watch a film, keep myself busy. It's not working. I'm constantly planning the end.
I'm due to see my GP next Wednesday but I really don't think im gonna make it that far. One of the GPs was meant to call me today, but they didn't, even they don't care. Everyone would be better without me here.
"I may be laying in the gutter but I'm staring up at the stars"
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
