i'm terrified to make the phone call that i have to make today. it's either going to really good news or really bad news, and if it's bad news, i'm scared what i might do to myself.
Last edited by forgotten one : 29-06-2009 at 04:30 PM.
Reason: spelling
I don't understand why I don't let down my defences and fall apart in therapy. I don't understand why I'm defenceless and fall apart in real life. I don't understand why I can feel happy for a few hours for no apparent reason and then want to give up on life altogether the next. I don't understand a lot of things, I feel so stupid and I feel so responsible for things.... I feel so many things and I can't figure it all out. I don't think I've the ability or energy to figure it out anymore. I think I shall be lost in non-understanding forever......
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
I've just realised what the date is. 9 years ago this was the happiest night of my life....why? Because I knew I was going to kill myself the following day. As you can see, I even ****ed that up..... I still wish that it had worked, despite the happy and amazing things in the past 9years, it doesn't balance out the hate, disgust, self loathing and pain that I feel and want to end.
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
Try to keep your wounds clean have had blood poisoning and I think it would be a horrible way to go. Right my turn, god this is hard even to a screen, had 12 stitches in my upper arm and ripped them out with pliers, told everyone I fell, what a ****!!
I feel really sick and twisted at the moment.
My parents are using guilt tactics to stop me SH'ing. After the OD on Monday, I cut on Tuesday and haven't told them.
I only recently told them how ill I was and I feel so disgusting that I lied all this time. I really got a 2:2 in my degree but tehy upgraded to 2:1 because it was borderline and I was "ill", so I feel like such a cheat. I don't have a graduate job.
I'm thinking we die anyway, so why not do it now. I have an urge to crash my bike at high speed into a dry stone wall, so it looks like an accident. I even have just the downhill run in my mind.
Even if it didn't kill me I'd still require a lot of medical attention and could pretend it was an accident. I'm so sick and twisted that I've become addicted to this attention. Partly this disgust fuels me wanting to harm myself/ die, as I feel it's no more than I deserve.
Part of me really doesn't want to do this and is scared of going to Hell. To be honest, I'm scared I'll just go to Hell anyway for being such a horrible person.
Oh yes, I'm a healthy weight, but have been restricting diet and excercising a bit more than normal for about a week. I'm hoping a few weeks of this behaviour will result in enough weight loss for someone to notice (again attention seeking). I have a fast metabolism, so lose weight easily.
I want to get better and the only reason is because i want you.
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
I'm only staying alive for you both.
I can't be responsible for you both dying because of me.
I have to be die when it's time, just so I can definately be reunited with her.
But I want to be dead now.
I am so fed up of acting as if I’m happy alone as if I want this I so don’t I know I’m not slim or beautiful but I’m so lonely I just want to be loved, touched because they want to is that really to much to ask???????
Cant someone love me for me not be put off by the fat : (
Don't walk behine me I might got you lost!
Don't walk in front of me I may not follow you!
Don't walk beside me the path is to small!
All we can do is walk our own paths,remember your not alone because we are all walking our own paths together!
I miss my lil girl more than ever. maybe she would still give a **** about me. maybe not. dont know how to carry on with nothing and noone. within one month ive lost my wife, my friends, my home, my job is on the line, and ive cut for the first time in 7 years. noone to be bothered this time. maybe deeper is the answer.
