Life, please... no more - Page 15

shadowedseraph · 14-09-2009, 02:27 PM

*hugs Kahalia* i dont have any advice, im in the same sort of place, but i wanted you to know that im here for you, PM me any time

crazykat · 14-09-2009, 02:40 PM

*cuddles* Sorry I haven't replied for a lil while. That majorly sucks about the crisis team, they really are hopeless aren't they. Not sure if this would help or not but what about writing it down and putting it somewhere where you will see it? Sorry if that's a useless idea, its all I can think of right now. I am here if you ever need someone to talk/vent to. Keep fighting, you will get through this. Take care
Kat xxx

Kahlia1981 · 15-09-2009, 06:10 AM

I had a phonecall from the crisis team today. After they got the referral from my GP for a pdoc they have decided to offer me longterm counselling through a private psychotherapist. That's all well and good, but the therapist works on the other side of the city and I'm not about to ride all the way out there to see someone I don't know. If I still had the car then maybe, but without a car it's ruled out altogether. They told me that I didn't need medication. I felt like saying to them that the only reason I'm still alive is because of damn medication... Instead I told them that if I don't take medication I'm a fruitcake. They asked me what tablets I was taking and seem to want my GP to be in charge of the meds. It's enough to drive me absolutely barmy. I feel like I want to smash their faces in. I am sick of being fobbed off and sent packing because they don't want to deal with me. I think that me and my housemate are going to create a letter to the director of the hospital expressing my disgust at the system. They seem to treat their patients as nuisances instead of as the reason for their jobs. Grrrrrr...

crazykat · 15-09-2009, 06:27 AM

Sorry that hear that you got that sort of response for them, did you explain to them it was too far for you travel? I don't see why they can't organise you to see someone closer, stupid useless idiots they are. You have every right to be annoyed, I think I would be too. I definetely think you should write a letter, the treatment you are getting is apalling. Best of luck with the letter. *sending lots of hugs your way*

shadowedseraph · 15-09-2009, 09:56 AM

*hugs Kahalia* my God that sucks! Write that letter and be both blunt and harsh they deserve it. What a bunch of morons honey i am fuming for you.

Kahlia1981 · 16-09-2009, 04:22 AM

My anger lasted a while and then I fell into depression .... and now my depression - or what I'd prefer to call a down mood - is steadily getting worse. I'm scared that I'm going to do something stupid.

On a brighter note, I got a letter from the police today telling me that they are withdrawing the infringement notice that I received after the car accident. Basically because they didn't want to go to court I think. I'm going to keep the letter in case something else happens in relation to it though.

Sometimes my cynicism disturbs me. Right now I think it's justified ....

I want to run away and cry. And if this feeling continues I'm probably going to OD even though I don't want to ... it'll be because I need to. Life really sucks sometimes.

Kahlia1981 · 17-09-2009, 01:07 AM

I'm still in a down mood with no psychological cause so I've made an appointment to see my doctor. Last time I talked to him about my down moods he wanted to put me on an anti-depressant but because I'm bipolar type that would just send me spiralling downwards into depression and suicidality. I'm hoping that he'll up my lithium but I can't be sure that he will because my last blood test showed me in the right range. I need to be right at the top of the range though for it to have any effect on my down moods. At least I'm not going up as high as I was before starting on the lithium.

Right now I'm watching a movie while waiting for it to be time to leave to go to see the doc. *sigh* I just wish it was all over.

crazykat · 17-09-2009, 05:42 AM

*cuddles* Sorry to hear that your feeling down but well done for making an appointment with your doc, I hope it goes alright. I know you want to OD but please don't hun, you deserve better than that. You will get through this. Take care
Kat xxx

Kahlia1981 · 17-09-2009, 05:58 AM

Thanks Kat. All I can say is that I'll try to hang in there.

My doctor has given me permission to try one extra lithium tablet a day. He was trying hard to find a psychological reason for my down mood but had to draw a blank like I had and had to accept that it was purely chemical. He asked me what would normally bring me out of it but the only things that have helped me out of it were being put in a place where I can't possibly hurt myself and time. And nine times out of ten a chemical induced low is followed by a manic high. *sigh* I wish someone would stop the world I want to get off.

My mood is still low. Of course it is. I haven't managed anything to get rid of it. I'm just trying to get by with distraction. The urge to OD is getting stronger every minute I'm on my own and especially as it is heading towards nightfall. I hope the extra lithium helps because otherwise it's going to end up in a hospital trip.

On a positive note, my sister and I have made arrangements to go out for breakfast sunday week for my sister's and my birthdays.

crazykat · 17-09-2009, 06:03 AM

That's all I ask is that you try so thank-you. I really hope the lithium helps. I am here for you anytime even if you just need someone for a bit of distraction to talk mindless chit chat. That's lovely that you and your sister are going to go out together.

wildly insane · 17-09-2009, 08:02 AM

*hugs Kahlia* so sorry to hear you feeling so down, bloody chemicals. I hope you manage not to OD. Is your housemate around to help? crisis team sounds like a nightmare. I hope the extra lithium helped. take care of yourself and sending you lots of hugs

Kahlia1981 · 19-09-2009, 06:55 AM

I can only think in terms of one day now. I made it through yesterday and am struggling to make it through today. I left the house today .... I went up to the nearest big shopping centre by bus, but I don't feel any better because of it. I was originally going to ride up there but my shoulder is sore and I didn't want to jeopardise it. Getting out made me feel a little more human for a while, but now I'm sliding right back down the hill of a down mood. I wish there was an easy way out of this but there doesn't seem to be. I don't know what to do.

Kahlia1981 · 19-09-2009, 11:59 AM

I've been given another reprieve from my down mood ... I've now become numb. I can think sad thoughts but not feel sad. I can think happy thoughts but not feel happy. Things that would normally tickle my funny bone don't and it makes me think that my funny bone has been deactivated for the time being. My housemate advised me to make a plan and go and do something tomorrow so that I'm not just sitting around the house getting more depressed ... The idea is good I can see that logically, but I don't know what I can plan to do because my mind won't work. It just sees dark and black everywhere with no light in sight. We are a little concerned that this numb period that I'm in is the calm before the storm. I wish I knew what would help me lift this mood...

crazykat · 19-09-2009, 02:49 PM

I think your housemates idea of getting out of the house for awhile is a good idea. Maybe you could go for a walk, or a ride, or go for a coffee with your housemate, or maybe even see a movie, or you could do something as simple as sitting outside and reading a book or drawing. Just take it one step at a time you will get there. Take care
Kat xxx

Kahlia1981 · 20-09-2009, 06:05 AM

I've been for a jog and a jog/walk today. It doesn't make me feel better but it at least gets me moving about. I'm considering going for another walk and maybe another walk/jog tonight. Just to keep me from sitting and thinking. Mind you, I haven't just been sitting and thinking. I read 3/4 of one book to finish it and have started on another one. Just Discworld novels, nothing too strenuous, but it's kept me going. And I've been listening to music.

My mood is still down, and still there is no discernable cause. Just one of those things I guess. I should be okay but there's a part of me that listens to the beast inside and it wants to OD or cut. I feel like I'm fighting all the time now.... and soon I won't be able to fight. At times like this I need to find something to do, and for the moment that's read or walk. Put myself in a different situation where the thoughts won't be so loud.

I just want to thank anyone who has read and/or replied to my posts. I want you to know I appreciate the input and the fact that my ramblings have been read by anyone.

shadowedseraph · 20-09-2009, 01:51 PM

*hugs kahalia* Just wanted to say im sorry that things are so tough for you at the moment and offer *more hugs*

crazykat · 20-09-2009, 01:52 PM

Proud of you hun for going for a walk, I know its hard but keep listening to that part that keeps trying. You will get through this, just one step at a time.

Kahlia1981 · 21-09-2009, 10:20 AM

I saw my psyco physio today. She was pleased with the improvements in both my shoulder and wrist and has given me exercises. She forgot that I'm allergic to latex and gave me exercises to do with a latex band. I didn't say anything at the time but I now have two small burns which will fade.

My mood is still low. I feel worse than I did yesterday. I went out for a jog this morning and nearly lost my shorts because I've lost so much weight. I still have a lot more to lose ... Anyway I'm feeling suicidal right now and wishing that I could get drunk. I've had three bourbon and cokes already and my housemate has gone to get more. He's helping me through. Unfortunately I'm not even tipsy.

Sometimes life really sucks.

crazykat · 23-09-2009, 03:20 PM

*cuddles Kahlia* Sorry I wasn't around, I hope your feeling a bit better now?

Kahlia1981 · 24-09-2009, 03:58 AM

Thanks for the cuddles Kat, they were much appreciated.

I feel like sh*t warmed up. Like the world would be a better place if I was dead. I just want to curl up with a teddy bear and not wake up for a few hours or until the world ended. There's no psychological reason for me to be in such a low mood, it's all the bloody chemicals again. I just don't quite know what to do. I think I'll try and watch tv or listen to music or read. It won't make the bad feelings go away but I'm basically playing the 30 second game right now.