Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so
they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night
together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and
has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to
school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just
go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and
Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies,
'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks 'Do
you know what I think?'
His Mom replies, 'Ok, do tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline
and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.
Last edited by PropheticStar : 11-11-2008 at 12:10 PM.
Reason: Removed overly graphic content. :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
Treasure the small things, enjoy those special moments, and let that kiss linger on your lips. Because it is these things that will warm you up on a cold Monday morning.
A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at
the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor
was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing;
she would approach people who were sitting on the
beach, glance around furtively,then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod
and there would be a quick exchange of money and
something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?'
He hadn't -- and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
'Well, Is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes ...' he replied -
SCROLL DOWN
OOOOOOOH - You're gonna dislike me for this - but it will make your day and I bet you forward it.
She sells C cells by the seashore
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Treasure the small things, enjoy those special moments, and let that kiss linger on your lips. Because it is these things that will warm you up on a cold Monday morning.
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
A husband comes home early from work and catches his wife in bed with the mailman. Before they detect him, he sneaks back into the hall, finds the mail bag, steams open the letters, inserts coupons from his rug-cleaning business, and seals them tight. "Ha ha ha," he snickers, "that lazy mailman who is shirking his duties works for me now!"
