The door didn't shut properly so i slipped out and went to The Shop. But they IDed me and my passport was safely in the ward office. So I had to come back to the ward. My ward-friends were amazed that staff hadn't noticed I was gone or acknowledged my return (it's a locked ward) When she came to see me I told L what I'd done and she was very displeased with the staff. Me and my room have since been searched but they didn't take the little tool I'd made myself.
The psych was telling me my actions were all my choice, she didn't get they were mostly for a really good reason ie getting rid of the implant but she thought I was a terrible person, doing these things for no good reason, attention seeking? She thinks because the voices are mostly gone I should be fine.
Did she say those words or did you feel like she was judging you in that way? That must have been very hurtful, I can understand why you were upset. I know that even when voices calm down you can still have all the beliefs and things that go on around them. How are you today?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I have stopped crying! I wrote a note clarifying a couple of issues that I felt she twisted and I asked a nurse to give her, which she said she did. Probably won't help but I wanted to be clear.
My CPN randomly came to see me out of the blue this afternoon and I was already feeling anxious so our talk didn't go well. Then he went to talk to the nurses in the office so he'd have been talking about me and I hate not knowing what people are saying about me.
Sorry to hear that things are still so difficult and that the doctor was unkind. I hope that your CPN and the ward staff can work together to get you to a better place, and that there's helpful communication with the psychiatrist before your next ward round.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I've got a new thought about the Evil etc. Others would probably think it's mad but it doesn't result in me cutting my throat so maybe it's good? I don't want to tell anyone about it unless the theory sticks round in my head a bit longer.
Mum wasn't in favour. I also summarised the theory for Fr R and he was against it too. I want to push this new theory aside because I already have one belief (the implant etc) in my head that no one else agrees with but I'm not sure I can just 'not believe' it. I can't just 'not believe' my original belief. Or am I able to 'choose' this new one because it means there's no implant to cut out and I take my meds? But Mum, Dad and Fr R still count it as delusional. I'm so confused.
That all sounds very confusing Tamo. Is just sitting with the theory for now and not chosing it or pushing It away an option? Keeping taking your meds and seeing how you feel in a few days sort of thing rather than rushing the decision.
I hear your confusion, I often feel like that when different things come into my head. And it's hard to let go of beliefs that you have had for a long time even when you think you have a new theory. You don't need to work it all out although I know it might be frustrating. Try to take time to clear your head and relax if you can. Hopefully the meds will begin to help, it seems they might be helping a bit at least since you've said you've had a reduction in voices.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That's a good idea. Usually my ward rounds is on Monday but next week it's on Thursday. I suppose it gives the meds increase more time to work
I spoke to the exorcist and he was very clear that I'm not evil and don't need to be exorcised. I've always said I would go with his word because he is the expert on Evil, but I think it's going to be hard to unpick my brain.
