I keep getting panicked about the lack of accessible support I have. My brother doesn't know anything that is going on with me but I do sometimes mention my lack of support. He wants me to look into going private but I would never do that. Then he puts it back on him saying I have to stay in a circle of suffering and he has to stay in a circle of suffering worrying about me. So I need to try and keep MH stuff out of our discussions. The first meet up with the original gym group is tomorrow and I'm anxious about it then on Tuesday I have to go to the gym with my support worker and other service user and that feels hard because it's 2 things back to back. I wish I had more contact with my psychiatrist rather than having to phone the Duty CPNs when I can. I don't know if my emergency contact I had counts as an appointment so I'm back to the end of the queue having to wait for months for an appointment. I don't know if the increased dose of Trazodone is helping but I know I need to give it time. I need someone to keep an eye on me for any changes because I'm not usually aware of the little things that get better or worse, but I can't have that either. That's where a CPN or hospital would come in. There's no one looking out for me and I can't manage myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'd feel like the CMHT would think I was going behind their back. I have some support and I know most of the CMHT to talk to if I have bravery. I'd just feel very uncomfortable.
Having a sad day because one of my cats died last night. He was fine and the next thing he was struggling to breathe which got worse. I took him to the emergency vet but he died on the way there. Please if anyone has me on Fb don't mention it unless I have posted about it, I still need to tell my brother. I couldn't tell him yesterday because it happened late at night and he's at work now and I don't want it interfering. I'm going to tell him when he gets home this evening.
Meant to be meeting up with the original gym group today. I've felt like not going but then I'll be at home thinking all day so I'm going to try my best to make the meet up.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks. A couple of people couldn't make today and the weather isn't very good so we cancelled the meet up. I'm just watching the ticking clock counting how long it is until I can tell my brother. I hope it doesn't affect his day to day life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sorry for your loss. That is really not what you needed right now. I hope telling your brother Will be okay and he can find it within him to be supportive.
I really don't Think going private is a sort of betrayal of the cmth at all. They have basically let you down majorly and failed at the one thing they are put into place to do. If you can afford going private i hope you Will begin to consider it. Somehow it seems that private therapists take their responsibilities a bit more seriously. There's a lot more at stake for them as well. You deserve to get some proper help!!!! Even if you won't ever be fit for work, or whatever else they measure your value in these days, you can still have a decent life. And it would be such a great thing if someone can help to make that happen. Xx
The men keep telling me I wanted Church to die but I know I didn't. It still hurts though. They want me to do a particularly dangerous type of self harm to punish myself. I don't know if this is the sort of thing I should let the Duty CPNs about. I likely won't do what the men want me to do unless I get more upset or feel impulsive. Duty would just say 'that's just Lindsay' and not bother. I'm having trouble with communication anyway. I can just do bits and bobs like posting here sometimes. I feel so alone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm glad you know that the men are lying (maybe this is evidence that they aren't all that reliable in general?). It's clear that you care very much for everyone you know, pets included!
Given that you know that you didn't want him to die, it doesn't seem even vaguely necessary for there to be any punishment! What do you think about that?
If you think talking about this on the phone would be helpful, either to help distract from urges or just feel less alone then it would be worth speaking to the duty CPNs. Equally if you feel in danger of doing something risky, it would be wise to let them know so that they can help keep you safe.
Thanks. Maybe there is something deep in me that only the men can see and I did want Church to die. I managed to phone Duty and my previous CPN answered so that was a bit better than talking to someone else. She says this is what happens to me when I'm in a stressful situation and I need to allow myself to grieve. She told me to put the thing I would need to harm myself with in a place that isn't easily reached so it's harder to act on impulse. I was lucky to get through to my previous CPN because the others would just have went straight to distractions and worksheets. All the MH services now seem to be directed towards people who are at the beginning of having mental ill health, there's nothing for people who are deep into their mental illness. It's sad and I really don't want to look into private services. I saw an article about how there is so much focus on mental health that people don't focus on mental illness so mentally ill people are almost forgotten or mental health is just pushed onto everyone even though some mental illnesses can't be steered into mental health. I'm really sad that the supports who were really essential for me have changed into something that pushes out the most unwell.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Oh I'm glad that your previous CPN answered and was more helpful than you feel some of the others would have been. It is a shame that services don't seem to be geared up to supporting your needs anymore. Can you remind me why you aren't keen on the private option?
Also, when making sense of an unusual experience, I think when you feel like it can't be proved either way, it's most sensible to go for the simplest explanation. So to me it seems safe to assume that the men are not telling you the truth, rather than some complex explanation about you having a deep down desire for Church to die that you don't even know about and that is in direct contrast with everything else that we know to be true about you. Don't know if that makes sense!
Private services mostly offer therapy which I don't think I need right now and if I did I could have access to psychology on the NHS if they agreed. I'm really low and I'm tired of the whole battle of life. I really feel like I can't take any more but then I just keep living. It's torture. I just want my support to be as it was, to have one person (CPN) who I know I can have regular contact with and phone up if I need something. I'm in emotional agony and I can't self harm enough to break up any of that agony. I'm very suicidal and I hope I can be impulsive enough soon to get on with it and get it right. I'm losing my ability to plan and get on with plans. I don't know how anyone is supposed to live like this. I don't why someone like this is discharged from services that were helping.
It does make sense what you said about Church, it's just hard to hear the men daily telling me their 'truth.'
I'm crying because there is no respite from anything.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm really low again today and I need a person. I can't phone Duty because it's such a minor thing that they might say it's so minor that I should be able to deal with feeling low myself by now. I'm a wreck.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sorry to hear that you're feeling so low. Is there any evidence that duty dismiss people who call 'just' because of low mood?
I know you feel like things just need to go back to before with you having your CPN, but I'm wondering if you're starting to have a bit of a rose-tinted glasses view of that period of your life? Even if it was better than now, it didn't seem like things were particularly great so I'm wondering if there's a different solution that would be even better.
Can I ask why you don't think therapy (or counselling; you can get that privately too) would be useful?
Have you ever had any dealings with Mind? I wonder if they or a similar charity could offer advice on possible local support services that you might be eligible to access. I feel confident that there must be something available for people with long term mental health problems, since it seems that your CMHT is more geared towards short term early intervention.
Sorry, lots of questions there, I appear to have had lots of random thoughts!
People usually tell me I know how to deal with my basic emotions like low mood and anxiety but I don't really I need to talk to someone. I think things were at least a bit better with my previous CPN, she increased my support when I needed it and offered me hospital when I needed it. No one in the CMHT works that way now, I'm not sure if my previous CPN has changed too. They just work through worksheets and that's not what I need. I need what my previous CPN provided. I can't think of where I could go to get the support like I used to have or better. I don't really want better support anyway. My previous psychologist said I'm not in the right place to use psychology and I don't want any kind of therapy anyway. There are a couple of voluntary organisations that offer support but they are low level and focus on practical things and one of them is peer led and doesn't offer much. I'm likely to be discharged from the one I use soon if I can't take a step up and add something else in my life that I can use their support to achieve. I have no interest in anything I could add to my life. I have looked and looked. There is maybe helping out at the food bank but I think they are strict with what hours they need and what they need done but I need things to be flexible.
Everyone just tells me to phone the Duty CPNs but they just tell me to add things to my life. They can't tell when I am in a crisis point even when I tell them. I need a kind, caring, professional person to offer me regular support/contact. I sound selfish but I just can't do this any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I’m sorry things are still crappy. I heard you when you said you don’t want private support. And I see you said psychology hasn’t previously been an option. Do you think it could be an option again? And if not, do you have a recovery college in your area?
It sounds like you want counselling, but counselling that links in with your psychiatrist and can arrange admissions and take care of you? Please forgive me if I’ve misunderstood.
Thanks for your reply. Psychology might be an option again but they are often very on the edge if I mention suicide and phone Duty every time even if I say it's not needed and Duty say that's just me so when it is something serious Duty don't hear it. There are no recovery colleges in my area. I'm not sure if I want to do any kind of therapy *umbrella term* I'm maybe going to have to phone Duty and ask what could be available for me and if I'd be allowed a CPN again and see how I get on since surely they wouldn't just use workbooks, they would have a general chat too. The last time I spoke to my psychiatrist she asked if I wanted her to refer me back to the CPNs but I said no because at that time it was a no for me with the change in the way they work. Maybe no one can offer me anything at this time because of still being COVID rules and less staff working at the moment and a focus on people just starting MH treatment. I don't really know. My head is a mess and I need something I just don't know what would be the best for me or if I'll keep being turned away because people might think that the way things are now is the best for me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't actually know what to do. When I had my previous support in place I said any changes would just make things worse. Here we with the changes and things have got worse.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think phoning duty and asking about what options are available for you is a good idea. I guess try to be really clear that you feel that things have deteriorated since you lost your support so that they can't just be like "oh, that's just Lindsay".
