Whoa, it was months before I felt welcome in chat when I first started. Months. Granted, that was a few years ago at this point, but it was months. Please remember that before you decide to stop going after one or two or even five or ten instances in chat where you feel unwelcome. And there are still times when I feel unwelcome in chat.
Most people aren't dickheads, but simply are people going through a rough time of their own - which they may not confide in you - or perhaps they are defensive against perceived judgement.
Everyone is welcome in chat, but things go over better if you behave with kindness, politeness, and respect.
Kindness, like being nice to each other. Politeness by not imposing on each other - for instance, pming someone out of the blue whom you have never spoken to before asking for support (personally, I prefer to build a relationship with someone before asking for support). And respect - consideration for someone's feelings, abilities, needs.
I'm not intending to be condescending or anything along those lines, but usually when things go south, and it's usually in a hurry, it is because people are not behaving nicely to each other.
Going into chat is basically like walking up to a random group of people on the sidewalk. You wouldn't walk up to a bunch of people and go 'omg I'm urging so hard'. You'd say hello first. Maybe even 'hello, I need some help please'. Or maybe 'hello' and then ask if anyone is up to supporting. Maybe instead if you're up to it, you can ask if anyone needs help.
But, for the record. I don't think it's rude to expect that your boundaries or needs are respected. I don't think it's rude to say 'sorry, not up to supporting at the moment' if you're not. I don't think it's rude to politely call someone on their rudeness, like 'hey that was kind of uncalled for'. I don't think it's rude to expect an apology. I don't think it's rude to ask for an explanation.
And, just as my boundaries need to be respected, yours do too. It's a two way street.
Last edited by Amaryllis : 11-12-2010 at 04:09 PM.
Whoa, it was months before I felt welcome in chat when I first started. Months. Granted, that was a few years ago at this point, but it was months. Please remember that before you decide to stop going after one or two or even five or ten instances in chat where you feel unwelcome. And there are still times when I feel unwelcome in chat.
Most people aren't dickheads, but simply are people going through a rough time of their own - which they may not confide in you - or perhaps they are defensive against perceived judgement.
Everyone is welcome in chat, but things go over better if you behave with kindness, politeness, and respect.
Kindness, like being nice to each other. Politeness by not imposing on each other - for instance, pming someone out of the blue whom you have never spoken to before asking for support (personally, I prefer to build a relationship with someone before asking for support). And respect - consideration for someone's feelings, abilities, needs.
I'm not intending to be condescending or anything along those lines, but usually when things go south, and it's usually in a hurry, it is because people are not behaving nicely to each other.
Going into chat is basically like walking up to a random group of people on the sidewalk. You wouldn't walk up to a bunch of people and go 'omg I'm urging so hard'. You'd say hello first. Maybe even 'hello, I need some help please'. Or maybe 'hello' and then ask if anyone is up to supporting. Maybe instead if you're up to it, you can ask if anyone needs help.
But, for the record. I don't think it's rude to expect that your boundaries or needs are respected. I don't think it's rude to say 'sorry, not up to supporting at the moment' if you're not. I don't think it's rude to politely call someone on their rudeness, like 'hey that was kind of uncalled for'. I don't think it's rude to expect an apology. I don't think it's rude to ask for an explanation.
And, just as my boundaries need to be respected, yours do too. It's a two way street.
It's good you are aware that a lot of this stems from your own sensitivity and possible paranoia. Being too sensitive is something that stops a lot of people from making friends in chat, because they take things personally that were not directed towards them, or take things the wrong way. As far as the random PM'ing, I am sure that person was not intending to criticize you but was being direct in order to protect themselves. Being randomly PM'd in chat by someone I don't know makes ME feel uncomfortable and a bit paranoid. I know that most people who randomly PM are not intending any harm but there are people who do that far too often. If you want to talk one on one with someone, it's better to ask first if anyone would like to have a private conversation and look for volunteers. A lot of us are just as sensitive and paranoid as you, or more so. Good luck and I hope you start to feel more welcome in chat.
All it takes is to come in and start a conversation. Don't come in and say nothing then ten minutes later be like
'ZOMG people are so rude no one talks to me'
We will usually welcome you, but sometimes if we're stuck in drift of conversation, it just takes a little nudge.
I only ever PM'd one person randomly, all I said was 'hi' and they asked me not to PM them again. Now irrationally that is in my mind a criticism of me, but I'm not that irrational anymore and just took it in my stride as it was fair enough for them to say that. I was only like 2 days old on the site and didn't really know how chat worked, especially as on the other forum I use people PM me randomly and stuff and in the guide it says PM people randomly to get to know them. I wouldn't just ask anyone in chat individually for support if I did not know them.
I've had people randomly PM from chat. I prefer it if I've been talking to them previously because otherwise I feel inclined to reply to them, and these are from my issues also. Like has been suggested, ask if anyone wants to talk 121 with you. I've done it a few times and sometimes I get amazing feedback and sometimes I don't. It depends upon how stable the other people are in the room and that's not their fault, it's not mine either. It's just about not over-dramatising and saying "I wanna go die" (not that I'm saying you are, I don't know you and haven't been in chat with you). That's what annoys people.
It's best to PM people who you've either had comment on your threads or welcomed you in introductions if you're struggling or who've conversed with you somewhat. I don't mind people PMing me if they don't understand the site yet, as long as it's not too pressing upon my own shizz.
It's good to have an opinion, madfootballfan, and we wouldn't ever shun you for that. I hope that you can see that, and how we're replying helps to override any sensitivty or anxiety that you feel within yourself. It's good you're aware of this, like Crysainta said.
You raised a good point, I think people agreed with you in that the chat room names could be deemed to be confusing. However, it's how you approach this. I hope that you can see now that the room names are merely guidelines and real life is much different and more complicated (as in, the actual chat). It might be worth looking into, but it'd be hard to change the names. Not impossible, just hard. So thanks for that, at least, for raising the awareness.
I shall over Christmas :) my uni internet doesn't let me access chat! It saddens me :( Christmas shall be the time for festivity and my re-invasion of chat! :D
I think sometimes it's who you choose. Sometimes the person you've PM'd is not in the right state of mind or has 'issues' of their own. That's why you feel 'rejected' as such by them. That's not either of your fault. I guess, keep trying. Keep posting around the forums and people will get to know you. After a year and a half, I'm starting to form friendships that are solid, and it's taken me a while. So, just keep trying, is all I can say.
I know you're doing this, just keep persevering.
I don't know if I'm misinterpretting again...?
And we don't think you're moaning, just raising a quandary. Everyone deserves to have their say.
'HAY KATY
DavIam has logged out
Oh
DaveIam has logged in
Hey Again Katy
DaveIam has logged out
DaveIam has logged in
DaveIam has logged out
Katy :|
**** SAKE
DaveIam has logged in
DaveIam: My internet is being rubbish
No ****
DaveIam has logged out'
'HAY KATY
DavIam has logged out
Oh
DaveIam has logged in
Hey Again Katy
DaveIam has logged out
DaveIam has logged in
DaveIam has logged out
Katy :|
**** SAKE
DaveIam has logged in
DaveIam: My internet is being rubbish
No ****
DaveIam has logged out'
Basically that....
i resent this... i am in chat right now, and have been for several minutes
Yeah you kind of are, I'm really trying to get away from this thing about not feeling welcome because it's not my point! I don't feel rejected, I'm not bothered about not knowing that many people, I'm new things don't happen quickly. I'm just saying that chat is confusing, and contradictory, nothing to do with me personally, which is what i keep trying to explain. Everyone just jumped on my comment that I said i wasn't welcome in chat anymore.
feel free to PM me at any time, im friendly unless you're an irritating troll
