sorry theres been no updates, been really busy with work and stuff (sucks being staff down... grr), but i will try my very best to have another update done by wednesday, i am hoping.x<3x
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
Sorry guys!
But good news, i've started a new chapter and i'm off work as of tomorrow for a week so i'll hopefully be able to write a couple of chapters in my spare time!
xx
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
Wow, have just read the whole story and it's excellent.
I would agree with other people though at you don't need to apologise so much when it takes you a while to update. Everyone understands you have your own life offline that comes first :)
Take care of yourself and I'll look forward to the next update x
Chapter 18.
I sit and stare at the other people that have gathered in the same room as me, for “group therapy” as they are calling it. I shouldn’t be here and I definatly do not need group therapy. I wonder how long it will take for this group of people will realise.
“Hello everyone, welcome to group therapy. As you can see we have a new young lady joining us, her names Laura and she joined us yesterday. Laura, would you like to stand up and introduce yourself to the group?” I look at this mans name badge, Les.
‘Not really, theres nothing to say’ I say back, looking him straight in they eyes. A couple of people in the room gasp and some laugh, all eyes focusing on me.
“This is what every new person does, Laura, Please stand up and introduce yourself to the group, tell us about yourself and your family” I stand up reluctantly
‘I’m Laura, my parents are bastards and I shouldn’t ****ing be here. Ok?’ I pick my jacket up from the chair and walk out of the room. Les follows after me and grabs my arm
“Laura, come back into group therapy, please?” He lets go of my arm as I turn to face him
‘No, I won’t come back into group bloody therapy, when are you people going to realise I don’t need one on one therapy, family therapy, group therapy and all of the rest of the rubbish you lot are trying to make me go through?’
“You do, but I won’t force you. I’m going to get Barbara to come and talk to you after this session is finished, you are obviously having some issues right now and you need to talk about them” Les smiles at me slightly and nods “ok?”
‘Do whatever the hell you like, you all seem to be anyway so why start listening to me now’ I turn and walk away with a steady pace, mumbling to myself. Theres only slight life, movement in the nurses station because every patient is either in the dining hall or in some kind of therapy. I turn the handle of the door to my room and enter it, leaning back against it I start crying uncontrollably taking sharp breaths and feeling panic take over me. It doesnt take long for a panic attack to take over and my breathing to become uncontrollable. I untie the bandage of my wrist and stare at the cuts. I start picking at the stitches that were placed there after the surgery I had and pull them out one by one. A puddle of blood gathering down my crossed lefts and onto the floor. A sudden rush of relief takes over and I am no longer finding it hard to breathe, no longer panicing. I’m nothing but calm.
A minute passes by and theres a knock on my door and a slight push against it.
“Laura? Are you sat by the door?” Hayley says in a calm, friendly voice. “Are you ok in there Laura? Will you let me in?” I don’t answer and she tries to push the door open again “Laura, i’m going to get security in a minute if you don’t let me in, please move from the door and i’ll come and talk to you” I pull myself forward across the floor, smearing the blood on the floor which makes me laugh out loud. Hayley opens the door and looks down at me
“Oh Laura” she says as she comes over to me, pressing the nurse button on her way in.
“it’s ok now, i’m here” She wraps her arm around my shoulders and strokes my hair and checks my wounds with the other hand until Valerie walks in, remember the nurse with the funny smelling perfume and the patronising tone in her voice? Yeah, its her again. She walks in and takes one look at me
“you stupid girl” she mutters under her breathe. “come on, get up we’re taking you to the doctor” Valerie grabs my arm with her hand and I push her away
‘**** you, Valerie’ I spit at her and she looks at me in shock
“Laura, don’t do this, we’re going to help you and then you can talk to Barbara” Hayley says to me calmly “Valerie just wants to help you up, will you let her?” I look at Hayley and shake my head
“No, i won’t let her, I can get my own damn self up” I say again and start laughing. I am full of nothing but hatred, I can see the upset in Hayleys eyes and the disgust in Valeries but it does nothing but make me more angry, for reasons i’m not sure about.
I get myself up slowly, with Hayley holding pressure to my wounds. I go dizzy and I find my feet and Valerie stands the other side of me but I push her away. I shuffle along to the emergency room and sit myself on the bed, holding my arms out so the doctor can inspect the damage. I’m past the point of caring now. He puts steri strips on them after washing them and insists on telling me over and over how lucky I am that they had a bed avaiable here and how i’m lucky that my parents care about me. Each little thing about my parents goes into my mind, stored away incase I need to use them at a later date. Hayley comes back into the room and tells me that Barbara wants to see me and helps me walk through the hospital to see her.
“Whats going on Laura?” Hayley asks as we sit outside waiting to be called in
‘What do you mean?’ I ask
“Why are you so destructive at the moment, whats going on in your head to make you feel this way?” Hayley asks and I look at her
‘I shouldn’t be here, don’t you understand that either? So what if i self harm, so what if i did it a little to deep, I shouldn’t be locked in this damn hospital just because of that’
“Your parents agreed to have you admitted for a reason though, Laura, they obviously care about you and want you to get better” I shake my head and look at her in the eyes
‘Will you listen to me?Will you be the one person that will actually listen to what I say? Will you look at me in the eyes while i’m telling you, Hayley?’ I ask her
“If you feel thats what you want, then yes” I see something in Hayleys eyes that I havn’t seen before, with me or anyone else and it sends butterflies to my stomach.
‘Come and have a drink with me in the yard after i’m done here and I’ll tell you, ok?’ I say to her
“I’ll need to check with Valerie, but i’m sure that will be ok” Barbara opens her door and calls me in “I’ll be in the nurses station Laura” I nod and get up and walk into the room and sit down.
“I hear theres been some trouble today” Barbara says to me and I shrug my shoulders
‘what kind of trouble would that be?’ I ask
“The incident in group therapy and the trouble with your self destructive behaviour that happened not to long ago”
‘Ooh right, that’ I say sarcastically
“I’m not here to shout at you or to get on at you. I just wanted to ask if theres anything you would like to talk about” Barbara asks and I shake my head
‘Not right now’ I say and she nods and takes a note ‘I would like to ask to be taken out of group therapy, though, I won’t benefit from anything like that as I never have’
“I will take you out of group therapy for the moment and focus on the one to one therapy along with the therapy with your family, until your stable enough to cope with the group therapy. I’m also going to increase your medication and it may improve your moods” Barbara explains and I nod “is there anything else you want to talk about?” She asks me and I shake my head “ok, i’ll see you tomorrow for another meeting” she says and stands up. I follow her and walks through the hospital until I reach the nurses station. Ringing the bell Hayley appears with a smile.
‘Give me a second and i’ll be right with you’ I go and take a seat outside in the yard and wait for Hayley. Looking at the other patients you can see why they are here, but I still fail to see why I am.
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
Hayley takes a seat next to me and smiles. I look back at her seriously and then look away.
“I’m here to listen, Laura, if you want to talk” she says to me and I nod
‘I know, i’m trying to think where to start’ I say to her and carry on thinking
“You do understand that if I feel that your at danger to yourself I have to tell Valerie and others?” Hayley asks and I nod
‘Yeah, I understand that, but its nothing like that, it’s nothing about my feelings. It’s about why i’m here, why i’m REALLY here’ I say to her and she looks at me confused ‘Hayley’ I say back to her, staring right in her eyes ‘I know that you probably won’t believe some things that i’ll tell you but I figured if I look at you in the eyes the whole time that you will believe what i’m saying and not take it as a b*llshit way for me to try get you on my side, it’s because I need someone to believe me, I need someone to understand my pain and why I refuse to believe that I belong in this place’ I try explaining to her
“I’m listening, Laura” Hayley rubs her hand on my back and fixes her eyes on mine
‘It started a while back, how long I don’t know. My dad had always been a better parent than my mum, she just couldnt grasp it, but he was always slightly better than she was, even when he was calling me names and hurting me by the things he said and the couple of times when he hit me and pulled me around, but it didn’t seem to matter because he was my dad, he was the only REAL parent that I had my whole life’ I pause for a second and break contact with Hayleys eyes as a patient walked past and stared at the two of us. ‘He was always controlling, I had to be home at a certain time to look after my little brother and sister and be there for whenever he wanted me to be. They always had friends round getting drunk while I was upstairs with their children. They always played a blind eye when their creepy friends used to touch me up and tell me how much i’d grown up and how i had turned into a lady. It made me feel physically sick whenever they put their dirty hands on me, even if they never took it any further than that’ I take a deep breathe again and Hayley looks at me, concerned
“you don’t need to do this, Laura” she says and I nod
‘Thats the thing, I do, because no one in this place believes me and I NEED someone to believe me, I need someone to actually listen to what I have to say’ I tell her. I sit on the floor infront of her so I can stare at her while i’m telling her, so I can try and see what she’s thinking. ‘I remember one night, my dads friends were round and mum came back drunk, one of his friends told me how I was growing up fast and groped my bum and I didn’t respond to him, I just ignored him and my mum decided she didn’t like that, not one bit. She shouted at me and told me off for ignoring our guests when they were speaking to me, she told me I was a selfish little girl and by that point, i’d had it. I was past the point of being angry at them, I was ashamed, I was broken and all because of them. I snapped, I told her i took after her in many ways by being selfish and she didnt like it, she punched me hard in the face, pushing me into a corner and she started laying into me, calling me a bitch’ I wipe away the tears as the flashback appears before my eyes, I bury my head in my hands that are leaning on my legs and compose myself but i’m unable to look at Hayley in the face, I play with a stone that I find on the floor and stare at that
“I told her that I got being a bitch of her too and she slapped me. That was it, I snapped, I shouted at her about how shes an unfit mother, a drunk and a slut. She punched me again, maybe a couple of times, I don’t know anymore, its not important, not really. She grabbed my arm, infront of my dad and all his friends, I couldn’t get away from her, she showed them all my arm, they were covered in cuts and scars, it was an ugly, ugly sight. I was a frail little girl right at that moment, I was reduced to tears, I was backed into this corner while she laughed at me, the cuts on my arms and the humiliation she’d just put me through. She just laughed, in my face. She spat at me and told me I wasn’t as brave as I was making out, mocking me, calling me a baby for crying. She told me to get out, to get out of her sight. I couldn’t say anything, apart from the fact that I hated them, the both of them, her because of what she had done to me, the bruises she had placed on my face and the humiliation she had made me feel and him because he didn’t once stop her” I stop there and break down in tears, shaking my head. Hayley kneels beside me and hugs me then helps me to my feet and takes me to my room and helps me into bed.
‘We’ll carry on with this another day, ok? Your not strong enough today, get some rest and i’ll come and check on you in a few hours. Laura youve been so brave, i’m so proud of you. And I promise i’m listening to you’ I look up at her as she smiles at me, with her friendly face and watch as she walks out of my room. I turn to face my wall and start sobbing until I fall asleep and dream of the one person, the persons whose touch I miss most in the world.
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
Hayley and I sit on the same bench we did the previous day, this time I sit next to her instead of infront of her. She had managed to persuade Barbara and Valerie that I was benefitting from these meetings and that she wanted to carry on for a couple more. She didn’t tell them what we talked about, just that it benefitted me.
“Are you sure your strong enough to do this today?” Hayley asks me and I nod
‘Strangely enough, it helped yesterday. The faster I get all of this out the better’ I look at her and she smiles at me. Her smile is so beautiful and friendly.
“When your ready to, ok? Don’t rush yourself. I’ve told Valerie that it might take a couple of hours and she said it’s fine and to take our time” I nod at her.
‘I remember a day after or maybe it was a couple of days after, I don’t remember exactly, the incident happened, when her and I had an argument.. I went and stayed at Chris’s.. my older brothers. They had gone out somewhere, him and his girlfriend and i was writing in my diary when someone knocked on the door. I remember it was a really cold, wet day, it had been raining all day, it was basically a really wintery day, i only remember because of what I saw. I opened the door and it was my mum. She had no shoes on, her make up was down her face, she was drenched. She pushed past me before I got the chance to close the door again. It was just me and her again, like it had been many times before, but i had never been so scared like I was that day’ I take the bracelet of my wrist and start playing with it, something I got into the habit of doing from a young age.
‘It didnt take her long to start laying into me again, with heartless words, she had lost it and you could hear that in her voice. And thats when she said it all, she blamed me for the way she was. She blamed me for what she did the night before. She started saying how she didnt want me, that she wanted to abort me, that I had ruined her life by being born’ I say
“Oh, Laura..” Hayley says and puts her hand on mine and squeezes it slightly
‘You could tell by the way she was talking that she was disgusted in me. The way she was talking about me when I was just a baby, the resentment , you could hear it all and just in her voice.She blamed me that dad and her didnt really have a relationship after that, she was saying how my little brother and sister were spoilt. She said I ruined her life and she hated me. She kicked me out, told me she wanted me gone. She started saying i’m filth and that she hated me. She said it alot that night, that she hated me. Then she went into the bathroom...’ I freeze for a second as the image passes through my head again and i start sobbing
“Dont push yourself, Laura” Hayley says and i shake my head
‘Sh.. she went into the bathroom and I listened, she knocked everything over. I waited a minute and went in there... I went in there, the bathroom and shes lying there.. on the floor, in a pool of blood, her own blood. I screamed. I screamed for help. People appeared, my dad and Chris and John, they all stood in the doorway, staring, I could hear her words in my head, I hate you Laura, Your disgusting, Your dirty, I hate you. Round and round. And i shouted out for an ambulance. I told her I loved her, I cried for her. I begged for her to wake up. I begged for her forgiveness and told her I didn’t hate her. I asked why, I cried many tears that night and asked why, but she couldnt respond, she was out cold. I was covered in her blood. I had tried so hard to save her that night, so hard. They took her to hospital and thats when everything hit me, I was on the floor being held tight by my brothers girlfriend, covered in my mums blood after she had tried to kill herself, because of me.. Hayley, it was all because of me, she wanted to DIE because of me’ I cry more but keep pushing myself
‘She was on a life support machine for a week after that and woke up as I was shouting abuse at her. It didnt stop there, I carried on but made it clear that I would never hate her, I wouldn’t say that I hate her, because I don’t, I hate what shes done in the past, I hate the things shes made me feel but I don’t hate her, I dislike her, as a person but honestly, thats as far as it goes. That night I got back into self harming, I needed to get all the anger out and that was the only way i knew how’ I say, wiping my tears only to make room for more to fall.
‘My family went away not so long after that, my dad had left me in the house on my own with hardly any money to keep myself going. He abandoned me, but if it wasnt for him doing that I would never of met Luke. My life changed straight away, but the family didn’t like him, so we ran away together, to get away from all the anger and pain that I had felt because of my family. I didn’t care if I cut all ties between me and them, it was something I had to do. I wanted to be with Luke and not with this family that apparently loved me, but I didn’t see it myself’ Hayley interrupts me
“Is this Luke, the person that kidnapped you?” she asks me and I shake my head
‘He didn’t kidnap me, I went happily. I went to start a new life with the person I had fell in love with. We had a beautiful flat and we even had a little kitten together, she was called Milly, I don’t know whats happened with her now. Chris, my brother, found out where we lived and set us up, they got Luke arrested for kidnap and they took me away to my familys house. Theyve made up some b*llshit story about how he abused me and raped me and hurt me, when thats just lies. It was them that abused me and hurt me. He loved me, Luke did, he loved me more than they ever would, both of them put together’ I start sobbing again and Hayley squeezes my hand even tighter than before
‘Then they shoved me in here, because cutting went wrong, I didn’t want to die, it wasn’t a suicide attempt, i just needed to stop the pain of being away from Luke. I hadn’t done it in so long because of him, he helped me with it so much. They want to try and make me sound like a psycho, that i’m losing the plot and that i have some deep psychological problems,when I don’t. I need him, Hayley, I need to know how he is. I don’t know if hes in prison, if hes been let out...nothing. I just need to know he’s safe. I need to see him or speak to him at the very least. I need to get out of here so bad’ I place the bracelet back on my wrist and look at the time
“I read a story in the newspaper about a man called Luke who had been arrested for kidnap, if what you have told me is true, I will help you to find out how he is” I look at her in hope
‘I promise its all true, they’ve set me up to cover their own backs, to cover up the fact that they were the ones that triggered of my cutting in the first place and that they aren’t brilliant parents. They don’t like that people were saying they did something to me and thats why I had dissapeared’ Hayley looks at me in the eyes and nods
“Let me look into it, i can get access to hospital records, someones owes me a favour, but its really tricky and i could lose my job over it, but I believe you” Hayley looks at her watch “I’ll get you back in touch with him, if its what you wish, if it will help you get better, but you have to promise me that you will talk to Barbara and others about problems from your childhood, you have to promise me that you won’t get yourself into trouble, ok?” I nod at her and she smiles “I need to go, but i’ll come and see you later, its dinner time in ten minutes so go get yourself ready and join the others in the dining hall, ok?” I nod again and hug her
‘Thank you, thank you so much’ I say. She smiles at me , gets up and walks into the hospital. I get butterflies in my tummy as i think about hearing from Luke again. If nothing else can, this will keep me going for a while. I’m going to see my baby again...
**If You Love Someone Or Something Enough, Set Them Free.**
