Life, please... no more - Page 14

crazykat · 25-08-2009, 12:57 PM

First of all well done for making it a year free, but don't feel bad about not being happy about it. I know alot of people who struggle to feel good about it so you are not alone in feeling that way. Please don't OD, I don't want anything to happen to you. Do you think it would help to tell someone IRL so you can have some extra support?

crazykat · 25-08-2009, 12:59 PM

Oooh didn't see the above post, the new computer sounds fab, glad you are feeling slightly better than this morning. I hope it continues for you. *Hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 26-08-2009, 12:16 PM

*hugs Kat* - Thank you for showing that you care.

*hugs anyone who is reading this because she really needs to be hugged right now*

My mood is dropping again. Hopefully a good nights sleep will be the answer .... that's if I can get a good nights sleep. They are getting harder to find. I'm over my shoulder and my wrist ... been over them for quite some time. I will be happy when this nightmare ends. Let us all pray that it end soon. I'm over living .......

crazykat · 26-08-2009, 02:48 PM

*Hugs* I hope you manage to get some sleep. Here if I can help in any way

Kahlia1981 · 31-08-2009, 03:18 AM

I can finally shower myself, even though it hurts when I do it. I'm kind of glad about that because it means I'm getting some of my independence back. I don't think I'll need the nurses around much longer. At the moment they are doing things like helping me wash my hair and so forth. The little things that you take for granted until you lose an arm - or the ability to move that arm in a satisfactory manner.

I go to see the physio again today. Hopefully it won't be like the last time and I won't end up in ED. I must remember to wear my plastic smile and hide my eyes behind glasses. I really don't want to go down to ED. Not unless there is something physical wrong with me anyway. I'm more than a little bit edgy.

Maybe I should try and get some rest ....

crazykat · 31-08-2009, 04:13 PM

Glad your getting some of your independence back hun, that must feel good. I hope it went alright with the physio. Thinking of you.
Kat xxx

Kahlia1981 · 31-08-2009, 11:55 PM

Physio went well. I'm now not to wear my shoulder sling and my physio is trying to convince me that the pain is good .... or at least isn't a sign that my shoulder is going to fall out of it's socket. She said that the ligaments got tightened and sewn together so I shouldn't have to worry about my shoulder popping out again. It's a relief but it's also a bit scary. She told me to wash my arm guard and not put it on until it's completely dry. I think she put it a bit close to her nose at one point because it was pretty smelly. I've washed it now and hung it on the line to dry. I'm not to wear it at night which will make things easier. All in all not too bad for one physio session. She was pleased with the progress I'd made but I still have to do exercises including some for my shoulder even though the doctor made it clear I was not to start physio until at least another two weeks time.

crazykat · 01-09-2009, 11:25 AM

Glad it went well hun *hugs*

shadowedseraph · 01-09-2009, 02:28 PM

*hugs Kahalia* glad things with your shoulder are going well :)

one_step_closer · 01-09-2009, 02:31 PM

Take care of yourself.

Kahlia1981 · 08-09-2009, 01:11 AM

First of all I want to thank you all for your replies and kind words. It means a lot to me that you felt able to offer support and kindness.

My shoulder hurts badly this morning. I haven't really been overdoing it or so I thought so I think I must have slept on my sore side. But I'm being able to do far more for myself than I have been able to do.

My mood is dropping at the moment. Probably just because I'm on my own and having nothing planned to do. That always puts me on edge. I just can't seem to settle down and my thoughts get to thinking it would be better if I wasn't alive any longer.

At the moment I can still tell that those thoughts are non-helpful but I have to fight them off and I'm tiring of the fight. It would be so much easier to just give into them. I really dont know how much longer I can keep fighting for. Meh.

shadowedseraph · 08-09-2009, 03:44 PM

*hugs* you are a fighter though, so keep on fighting :) we are all here for you supporting you as much as we can! do you have anyone IRL to talk to about this? (like a professional?)

Kahlia1981 · 09-09-2009, 08:28 AM

Today I went for my first bicycle ride since I broke my wrist. My housemate went with me and rode in front. He suggested going by bike when I asked him if he would like company on his errand. It was good - no .... it was empowering. I overcame the fear that I have developed about bikes and actually did quite well with it. I think I still have a lot of bicycle riding and walking to do to get myself more used to a) exercise and b) riding. But I'm starting to get there. Yay.

Shadowedseraph - no I don't have anyone IRL I can really talk to about what's going on inside my head because the crisis team are refusing to refer me to the community health team.

Kahlia1981 · 10-09-2009, 11:45 AM

I went for my second bike ride today. It was quite a long ride, about 30 minutes either way. I was trying to get a kick stand for my bike but the place I went to didn't have any. I did however replace the lights for my bike because I didn't have a back light and my front light was inadequate. I surprised myself but making it to the shop and back again with only one stop, and that was on the way back and because I was so dehydrated. Luckily I did think to take a bottle of water with me.

The result of my bike ride was a hunger that lasted until dinner time. And some pain in my legs and also my shoulder and thumb. My thumb - which is on the hand that I broke the bone in - is the only pain left over from my broken bone. But the bumpiness of the ride was the big problem that left my body aching, especially those bits that were sore already.

I had a phone call from the psychologist I am going to see in a couple of weeks today. Apparantly she is going on sick leave for two weeks or is currently on sick leave and will be coming back to work the week I'm due to see her. She told me that if I skipped an appointment and didn't let her know within 24 hours there would be a charge of $25 payable to the doctors surgery. I'm in two minds about whether I want to go and see her or not. I don't trust easily and it's sitting in my mind that I only get a few sessions with her under the plan the way it is, and they aren't going to be enough. I really need long term psychotherapy or psychology. But, the crisis team are making their refusal to accept me plain.

Kahlia1981 · 10-09-2009, 12:38 PM

I found out tonight that a family friend passed away on Monday. It's left me in a bad way. I feel like ODing and am busy reading in an attempt to stop myself from doing so. I feel like it would be so much easier to give in and do it. But, my logical side knows that it would serve no purpose. *sigh*

shadowedseraph · 10-09-2009, 08:55 PM

*cuddles Kahalia* one step froward three steps back aint that the way it goes? I'm sorry the crisis team are being such asses can you not get your doctor to reffer you to the CMHT?

Kahlia1981 · 11-09-2009, 02:35 AM

Shadowed - Thanks for the hugs. Every referral from my doctor to the CMHT has to go through the crisis team. They are the ones who decide whether the client or prospective client is able to be helped. And they are basically just nurses - so you'd think they'd have to get approved by the pdoc but it doesn't seem like they do.

Kahlia1981 · 12-09-2009, 01:30 PM

My laptop has apparantly fixed itself during the night last night. The pixellation fault had disappeared completely. That sounds like it's the cable or connector. On one hand it's good news because I can use my laptop properly, but on the other hand the fault hasn't been fixed and could reoccur at any time .... and that might be after the extended warranty has expired. And it means lodging a new claim if the fault reoccurs within the time.

My mood is f*cked at the moment. It's really low. All I can think about it taking my own life. I should be feeling relatively good because I found out today that I fit into size 16 clothes (our clothing starts at size 8 for anyone not familiar with Australian sizing) when I didn't think I would be able to. So that and the fixed laptop should have put me in a good mood, but now that night has fallen the thoughts of suicide are running rampant.

I don't actually know what to do. I've put a movie on and I've come online to write that I'm feeling suicidal, but I don't know how to stop things. It's just getting to be a bit beyond a joke. I'm scared that I'm going to do something reactive and stupid. I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling better.

And the other thing ... I'm in love with someone that I can never have. I wish I knew what to do right now ... it's just all a bit much.

shadowedseraph · 12-09-2009, 05:40 PM

*hugs Kahalia* that is sucky, the crisis team here couldn't find their asses with a torch, map and mirror so the thought of them being in charge of all help is horrific! they're in charge of admissions over here and thats bad enough!
Glad your laptop is back working :) i understand nothing of the inner workings of computers they are a mystery to me!
Sorry your feeling so down *big cuddles* im with you totally on the in love with someone you can never have it really hurts. :) try and take care of yourself.

Kahlia1981 · 13-09-2009, 04:06 AM

*hugs shadowed* ~ It's pretty much the same with the crisis team here.

I wish I could get out of the place where my head is. I don't know how to. I can seem okay but I'm acting quite a bit... actually it's all an act. I want to cut and I want to OD. But by the same token I don't want to do either. I'm scared that I'm going to get more depressed and lose the part of me that doesn't want to do the self-damaging activities. How do I keep the insight, the objectivity? Right now I could do with some ideas. :(