On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder...Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking some what be-draggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
A man goes into the bar, walks up to the counter and orders a pint of beer. Whilst he is drinking, he hears a voice saying "very good choice, sir. And I do like your glasses." He turns round, but sees nobody, and continues enjoying his beer. Suddenly, he hears the voice again. "Yes. Those glasses really suit you, and your hair is nice too." Again, he turns round, to see the bowl of peanuts addressing him, but he continues drinking. When he has finished his beer, he orders another, only to hear an all too familiar voice saying "another great choice! Enjoy your beer." By this time, the man is slightly worried and decides to ring his wife to tell her about this. He picks up the phone and hears "I HATE YOU!!!! YOU'RE MEAN, FILTHY DISGUSTING AND I HATE YOUR GUTS AND EVERY TINY LITTLE THING ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!" the man was shocked by this and turned to the barman to enquire about the peanuts and the telephone. The barman looks at the man and says "yes, sir. The peanuts are complimentary and the phone is out of order."
a millionaire is in court charged with instructing his secretary to give him oral sex.
in his defence he claims it was a misunderstanding.
'my private chef was awful he had to go' he explains 'so i told my secretary to sack my cook...'
An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his tocky. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, 'There really is no justice in the world.'
The other little old lady asked, 'What do you mean by that?'
The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.
'Now that I' m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.'
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
a nurse walks int o bank exausted after a long shift, prepairing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal themometer out of her bag and tries to write with it.
realising her mistake she says ti the clerk:
'oh thats just great! some asshole's got my pen!'
A study shows 20% of men have no idea how to put on a condom.
what do you call these men?
Dads!
Descartes was having a night out and enjoying a few drinks at the bar. The bartender asked him if he wanted another drink and Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Oh my gosh... This joke is amazing! just learned about him in philosophy! My teacher has a mug that says "I think therefore I am" and then when you put hot water in it Descarte disappears and it says "NOT!"
tehe:)
It's the children the world almost breaks that grow up to save it.
-Frank Warren
