You say you don't want help and then you self harm so they can see it?!
You've been saying and doing that for 2 months now. It doesn't appear to be helping you a great deal.
You know very well they have a duty of care to keep you there while you are still displaying this type of behaviour or they'll get in a hell of a lot of trouble if something happens when you leave!!
Do you think this thread is helpful in the slightest? I mean advice wise, not just the sympathy?!
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Regarding medication- you have always said that you want things to get better. You want to feel better and you don't want to feel so shit all the time - which is completely understandable and a good thing! So, can I ask why you are refusing medication?
Would you rather take the meds, have a lil bit of weight gain, which you can manage healthily (and weight gain might not even happen - I've not gained any weight on quetiapine. Different med I know, but still) and start feeling better?
Or would you rather not take the meds, not get better and feel like this forever?
Take dying out of the equation here.
Do you want to feel better?
If you do, then give the meds a shot. You don't know unless you try lovely.
x
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
I think you are quite lucky not to have been arrested and charged with possession of an offensive weapon r.e. the blades, which is not unheard of for people in similar situations. This is something that could happen and you may want to think about whether you want a conviction for such an offence on your record as that could/would have long term consequences.
I also share Beckie's concerns about this thread and whether the advice is helpful or whether it has become another ranting thread for you.
Things seem to go well and then it is almost like you sabotage your progress. Why do you feel that you have to do this? It's quite frustrating to witness really, but I guess it is my responsibility to manage that frustration.
In all honesty, it sounds like they are keeping their word. Your agreement with the consultant was to try medication, to try and speak to staff instead of self-harming and to be assessed for DBT. Your consultant is trying to manage your medication and your psychologist is arranging an assessment. However, you are still refusing to take meds and self-harming out of habit. Yes, you have made progress and you are giving up your blades 'without a fight' - but that wasn't the agreement.
Services are frustrating and overwhelming, but they can also be helpful and a lifeline. You know that bailing on the agreement will mean either discharge or a different ward. What do you expect to happen?
What haven't they kept their word about? I know I'm not in your situation but from what you've written on here it does sound like they have really tried to help and support you. I think you said you have a diagnosis of BPD (correct me if I'm wrong). They have offered you therapy (DBT) to try and help you with thoughts/emotions, self-harm and suicidal ideation associated with BPD. The consultant has offered you medication. You seemed unsure about committing to DBT and you've declined medication. What is it that you want them to do?
I didn't realise that you were now in hospital voluntarily. Surely as voluntary patient you should be willing to accept the treatment offered. I'm not saying this to be horrible but you did make an agreement with the consultant to be more willing and to try and progress but it doesn't seem like you can keep to the agreement. If you aren't going to go along with his recommendations then I would think he's either going to discharge you back to the community or detain you. I guess it's your choice which path he takes. Re: medication, a lot of anti-psychotics are used as mood stabilisers.
I think you should seriously reconsider taking medication and perhaps look into DBT a bit more, have a look at the benefits of DBT as this might help make you feel a bit more positive/hopeful about the assessment. Also I think you should decide whether you can fulfill your part of the agreement you made with the consultant. Perhaps tomorrow you could set a goal of attending a group?
x
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
A couple of days ago you were willing to try harder for the rest of your admission. Now you're saying you don't care and you want out. Why do you think that has changed so quickly?
Please correct me if I am wrong but it sounds like your behaviors and defiance against help get stronger when things start to get harder, or when you're worried ie about setting the consultant.
You deserve a better life than this. But it won't always be smooth sailing. You have the chance now to start the process of a better life. Please work with them towards that even though it will leave you feeling uncomfortable for a while.
Ps. I'm on antipsychotic for mood stabilizer and I didn't gain weight and it has been amazing. Why not try it now while you're in hospital? It's the best place to start a medication and frankly unless you start eating a great deal more you probably won't put on weight.
I've lost weight since being on an anti psychotic. It doesn't necessarily mean weight gain, even when it's a common side effect for that particular med (Seroquel in my case).
It might be a cop out but that's not a symptom of mental illness. Behaving like a child, as you are at the moment, is a symptom of immaturity. Maybe it's just time to grow up a bit and start acting your age?
I think you are quite lucky not to have been arrested and charged with possession of an offensive weapon r.e. the blades, which is not unheard of for people in similar situations. This is something that could happen and you may want to think about whether you want a conviction for such an offence on your record as that could/would have long term consequences.
This is true police were called twice during my last admission and the people involved didn't get a warning it was going to happen.
It sounds like things are spiralling for you in hospital, and clearly something needs to change, or you and your doctors need to try something different.
I do agree with the suggestions to reconsider taking medication, and also look into DBT and see if you would be prepared to give it a fair try. (For some people it helps massively)
I found a couple of comments on this thread very harsh. Personally I don't find it helpful to be told off for behaving like a child if I'm at crisis point. I think illnesses/conditions which affect people's emotions and overwhelm them are almost bound to affect their behaviour and interactions as well. By the time people get ill enough to be hospitalised it's pretty much recognised that their capacity to function like a responsible adult has reduced.
You do still have choices, but it is more a case of moment by moment choices, and taking small steps in the right direction. Making gaps between impulses and actions, limiting the amount of harm you do to yourself, trying to work with staff where possible.
I hope you can put the suicide idea into the background for long enough to explore the other options fully.
x
As the others have said, I hope you are doing a little better (hopefully even a lot better!) since your last post.
My suggestion is to try to remember that the way you are feeling and the way you are reacting to things are for a reason. I will often flail out of control in a mental BPD attack, and think it came out of nowhere. But the truth is, something must have triggered it. Maybe if you can try to pinpoint what sets off each change of mood, change of direction, you would find it a little easier in some way. For example, are you reacting out of fear of a new situation, which is making you shut down? Are you trying to protect yourself from something you think might cause you negative emotions? Try to tease apart some of the emotions and reactions, see what you can find. In my rational moments (there aren't many), I can find it quite helpful to think about it. It makes the situation a little easier to deal with, sometimes. And can help you a little more the next time something similar crops up!
As mentioned above, you seem to backtrack when things get a bit scary. That is totally understandable! At least it is to me ;) Be gentle with yourself, let things move forward at your pace, even if that is slower than the slowest snail in the class! Just try to keep moving forward, no matter that it may seem to everyone else as if you haven't even moved. Sometimes even just spending time [b]thinking[b] about continuing with help or whatever is better than putting up the "I can't do this" wall straight away.
Is there some way we could help to support you through this? Does encouragement help? Are you a fan of tough love? (I hate tough love, it either makes me sob or rage uncontrollably!) Let us help you to help yourself. You can do this. It will be so hard, but don't doubt yourself. You are dealing with really big feelings every minute of the day; you may not think it, but each survival of these feelings is a demonstration of your ability to keep going.
The big feelings, the big bad 'uns, are awful. I know they are. But think about the joy of getting to a place where they are manageable, where the big good feelings are more prominent! We want to help support you to that place, even if we have to push you a little now and then to help you there. Let us know what kind of push might help, and we'll be there, arms braced for the shoving :)
My kindest, most soothing thoughts to you *hugs*
Last edited by susieannah : 19-01-2014 at 04:52 PM.
Reason: Missed a bit!
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
