It wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be. He was asleep the whole time so he didn't even know I was there which feels quite sad but obviously he's really ill and there's nothing i can do about it now. It felt like he had already died to be honest because he was so 'checked out' mentally. He didn't have any monitoring or anything on because I'm assuming he's refusing it all. I saw my sister for a little while afterwards which was tough because she is really upset about the whole thing and feeling very sensitive and fragile. I have no idea how she'd cope if i passed away too. I feel like I'm about to die too, I don't really know why. I'm on my way back home now. I have no idea what's going to happen when I get there. I'm feel very triggered but hey, what's new.
Sorry it was so hard to see him. It sounds very distressing.
Try to keep fighting. What's happened today to make you feel like that?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I have really severe Eczema and it's so freggin' painful. I'm scared I'm going to have to go into hospital for it again, I can't handle the pain any longer. Hospital isn't really an option because being on a dermatology ward is so bad for my mental health. It's so complicated.
I'm meant to be starting uni tomorrow. Not only do I have to get up for a lecture at 10am, and I really don't function at that time, I will have to concentrate for an hour and I just can't handle it. I have a tutorial as well and talking in small groups completely freaks me out.
My flat is a total mess and I have no energy to sort it out. I've got loads of money things that need doing and I keep trying to deal with them but I'm not getting anywhere.
My flashbacks are really bad, either that or I'm just noticing them more. I see really distressing things all the time. A lot of sexual abuse. Which is odd because I've never been sexually abused, at least in the way that I see.
I'm just stressed out with everything. I don't want my grandfather to die. I want him to live. I should be the one dying. For some reason I've found the whole thing really triggering.
I'm so sorry for your loss Katie. Please try to look after yourself <3
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm at the day hospital. I'm really out of it, I don't feel anything. I don't feel upset or anything. Am I a total bitch for reacting this way? It happened with my grandad too. I didn't react at first and it hit me later and I had a massive meltdown.
It doesn't make you a bitch at all. Grief hits people at different times. It doesn't take away from how much you cared about him.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I think numbness and feeling detached is pretty common. I felt this way at times after loosing my grandparents. There is no right or wrong feeling at this point, that includes not feeling/numbness.
Why do you hate yourself for not being more outwardly upset?
My thoughts are with you *offers hugs* I'm really glad you talked to one of the nurses, keep talking to people around you xx
Really struggling to no od. Already taken some sleeping tablets
Got a big prescription today for my eczema so there's lots of drugs around. I've called the crisis house to see if I can get a place for tonight.
My thoughts are with you Katie. It must be hard trying to not to od but please stay strong. That's good that you have called the crisis house to see if you can get a place for tonight. If you need to talk feel free to PM me anytime at all okay.
Love From Meera xx
“The only way that we can live is if we grow. The only way we can grow is if we change. The only way we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we are exposed is if we throw ourselves into the open.”
Thanks. I had dinner with a friend which felt like a really nice normal thing to do. I felt better this morning after the sleeping tablets last night but I'm running out. Might try and clean the flat. Got therapy tomorrow and finally called someone about my washing machine that's been broken for three months. I'm trying to get by. Think things are slightly better than they were.
