hey my lovelies, ive been pretty rubbish about replying but im just trying to keep my head above water and not doing so well.
i'll try and kep on top of the thread though too
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
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Emily Bronte
I'm so-so. Had my college induction yesterday, and it was mega stressful. Had two physical confrontations. One guy backed down, and one of them I flung into a bench. And they had the cheek to threaten *me* with expulsion? These people call me names, square up to me and threaten me with violence. I don't care what the law is, as a Human, I've a right to protect myself from harm. That's all I did. I didn't do anything until he swung for me. Also, they had this woman be with me all day from the start, which instantly set me apart from other students. Thanks for that...
*breathes*
To say I'm completely devoid of morals, would be harsh. Although I would have to admit I find it difficult to give a ****.
this day, the 31st august, last year I was meant to die. I was soooo ready to commit suicide and die. I however had been sectioned a few days earlier, I tried to escape the ward several times, but was stopped by staff as they knew about my suicide plan.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering suicide
I had planned to go to this ledge in a place called Heptonstall which is in
the Pennines. I had been there before and had sat on the edge and I had looked
at it a lot and I was convinced it would kill me. But I planned that if jumping
there didn't kill me then I would get the train to eastbourne and go to Beachy
Head to jump off there. I know that would definitely kill me as it's a
nortorious suicide spot.
I still have this plan, but no date at the moment, but I'm still angry that I was stopped from killing myself this day last year. I was so ready then, I wanted it soooo badly. A year on and all the memories are rushing back.
sorry everyone *hugs all*
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
Oliver, think about the things you have achieved in the last year that you wouldn't have if you had been allowed to die. Then what you could achieve in another year's time.
Today is going to be so hard for you, but we're here, ok?
Thanks Colour, your right I have acheived some things this year like starting testosterone and I'm going back to uni. It's just hard remembering it all, how I was so agitated in the psych ward and how determined I was to leave even though I was on constant one to one obs, I kept trying to escape, think I did actually leave the ward at one point but they sent about 4 big male staff members to come and drag me back kicking and screaming.
But the good thing is this afternoon I'm going on a residential with the trans men group I go to, we are stayng until sunday evening, so I have something to look forward to and hopefully take my mind off things.
how are you?
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
Oliver, its always difficult remembering the past but you know the things to remember is that its the past. and youve come so far you should be so proud of yourself.
colour, keeping busy is always helpful but im here to talk if you want to ?
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
Not Injuring is good mark. Im guessing maybe youre drinking? Just go careful you dont run out of money *higs*
My anxiety has sky rocketed and I don't know what to do about it.
Also I've just been to my doctors surgery to ask about their new appointment system which basically involves a doctor assessing you over the phone before you actually go to the surgery so that if you dont need to be seen face to face you don't have to be.
Now that's all very well and good, but I get anxious about phone calls even when I'm not talking about anything important or mh related. The thought of having to talk about how I'm feeling over the phone makes me feel sick and I asked if I could just ask for an appointment in the current way because of that and apparently I can't. So now I'm really scared about the next time I need an appointment and I know I'll probably just end up not going until I'm in such a state I don't have a choice.
That coupled with the stupid psych reducing my anti anxiety meds and telling me not to go back to the CMHT for 6 months and what happened at work the other day just feels like too much on top of my life and money stress. I feel so unsupported and I still don't know if i'm getting DBT so I could be left like this for a long time yet.
Sorry to rant.
Last edited by Colour Blind : 31-08-2012 at 03:14 PM.
colour - sorry to hear the situation with your doctors but if you can make an appointment with your doc for like medication or something try talking ot them? becuas eim guessing you spoke to the receptionist or the assessing doctor and usually you need to push really hard to get things to be changed. but they should work around it or can you tlak to your psych? The best thingi ever learnt in dbt is that anxiety can only get so high, it will always come down and i know that might not sounds true but it is your body can only get so anxious before the physical sensations have to lower.
Also do you know why your feelings anxious ? sorry dont mean to ask basic questions just trying to help.
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
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Emily Bronte
*hugs all and throws fruit* I'm off in a minute, so thought I would just pop in quickly to leave you all hugs and fruit. today has been tough, but I'm hoping spending some time with people in a little village doing workshops and outdoors stuff will be fun and help me to forget all the **** that happened this time last year.
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
Oliver, have fun :) im a bit jealous as it sounds fun.
colour - ok i know this mght seem like a stupid suggest but have you tried identifying why your anxious about your mood, like what is it that causes u concern? that it might get low? if so everyones mood gets low so what worries you about that ? coping with it ? if so what stratergies can you have im place to combat a low mood... (ive spent far to many years in therapy lol)
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
Tbh it's the fact that i know i cannot be bothered with fighting the harmful behaviours with the few strategies i have. Right now, there's just a part of me that wants to give up soI know why im anxious, im just not good at talking about it.
Only, i know ill never "give up" because i cant face people finding out how much i've lied and hidden things from them for all of this time. And then thinking about people finding out makes me anxious too.
*Higgles Colour* Yeah drink But I'm trying to stay on top of this , I haven't started yet . My Substance Worker Promised she'd call me yesterday on her first day back and nothing not even a text , she's off today and then it's the weekend just ugh ya know:/
*Huggles Sarah* How is the distracting yourself going?
I'm still not comfortable in my skin and the anasthetic's slowly wearing thin - Otep
Everyones lost but me! - Indiana Jones
It's okay , they know me here .
Kahlia1981 is my adopted little sister :)
''Courage doesn't always roar , sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow"
