Intense emotional pain

[one_step_closer]

Thank you. Your replies mean a lot and backing up what everyone is saying just confirms that reaching out if probably the right thing to do. I'm just very anxious about phoning anyone, that sounds like a really pathetic excuse. But Duty might say 'why are you telling us this?' they usually down play things and that makes me feel worse. I might try and phone once the cats settle down.

[one_step_closer]

I phoned Duty and my previous CPN answered, so she's back now. I told her about what's going on but it was overtaken by my feelings about discharge etc. She said it was probably done for a reason and that my psych would have been consulted. She said we were doing well together but maybe I need to be moving forward with other things and perhaps see about psychology again. I wanted her to take me back. Looks like the referral that my GP sent won't allow me to have a CPN again. I'm so upset. People aren't listening to what I need.

[Pi.R^2]

Gosh, that must have been quite the shock suddenly speaking to your previous CPN! I can see that maybe some psychology input would be useful but that's more of a long-term thing; did she suggest anything for how to cope with things right now?

Also well done for calling, I know that took a lot of strength.

[one_step_closer]

There's no one to refer me to psychology anyway. And psychology have already said they're not willing to take me on because of my risk level. Maybe my previous CPN thinks I'm less risky. In the short term she just told me to keep doing small things. She didn't say anything about the men and going out at night so maybe that got pushed out of her mind when we were talking about my discharge. I honestly think having a CPN could offer me what I need - someone to check in with me and take action if they need to, listening and offering advice, knowing when I need to go into hospital. No one else can offer this, I wish they had taken my views into account.

I feel really suicidal today. I forced myself to go out for a walk but I couldn't stop thinking about cutting. I did cut when I came back but not badly because I can't do it right any more it just felt like I needed to try. It's been months since I last cut although I have been using other methods of self harm. If the CMHT had kept me on maybe I would have been passed back to my CPN and things would be better.

[Pi.R^2]

Well that's dumb for her to suggest psychology if there's no one to refer you there! What's your relationship with your GP like? I'm wondering if they could check-in with you every now and again in the absence of CMHT support.

Well done for getting out for a walk, though sorry that you cut. Have you been appropriately first-aided?

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. I thought my GP was one person who I always choose to see because she was written down as my GP but now it seems that my GP is actually someone else. If I could get to talk to the GP I always choose to see then that might be ok but I'm scared to ask for anything. You have to fill in a form and then someone reviews it and passes it on to the right person and I'm worried about what they'd say. I have Duty to call and the informal crisis team so they might just say use them even though it's hard for me to call. I don't know really if checking in with patients because of their MH problems is in a GP's role. I'm just terrified of reaching out to anyone in case it's wrong. I'll maybe ask my psychiatrist on the 15th but I have a lot to talk about. I hope I can talk about everything I need to because it's a two way conversation obviously and she might steer it in a different direction. The cuts are minor, I just covered them up.

[Pi.R^2]

I know of GPs who do check-in on people with mental health problems, so it's definitely not unheard of!

I think raising it with the psychiatrist is a good plan. Do you have a list of things you want to say? Maybe it's worth trying to put that list in order of priority just in case there isn't time for everything.

[one_step_closer]

I do have a list, I will think about the order of importance to discuss. I'm useless at getting my point across though. I feel like everything is going too fast with what I'm expected to do now. My support worker is looking into other things for me to do and I try to tell her that it's not distraction it's extra pressure but she said I have to try what she suggests when she speaks to another organisation. Everything is snowballing now I've been discharged from CPN input. I think people think I'm fine.

[tamobhuuta]

Have you considered an advocate? I had one not long ago and he was really helpful.

[one_step_closer]

I'd worry people would think I'm going behind their backs and fighting for what I don't need. I don't know how advocacy is working right now because of COVID. I will try and put my points across but don't know if they'll be considered because everyone else seems to think differently to me with regards to what support I need.

[tamobhuuta]

It's ok to fight for what you need. In fact it's good. You could probably do it on the phone but I know how hard that is for you so maybe try email?

[one_step_closer]

They're available to offer advice over the phone or email, I'll try and talk to my psychiatrist first.

I'm feeling really low today, and alone because there is no one who I can reach out to. Duty don't usually help unless my previous CPN answers or my previous previous CPN. I tried calling and a man answered and I hung up. I don't really know most of the men and I didn't catch his name which makes me feel like I couldn't talk to him. It's the same with the women if I don't know their voice and then don't catch their name. The CMHT will be thinking I'm doing well because I haven't contacted them much. I hope my psychiatrist listens to me and gets me my CPN back although I know it's not that simple.

[Cacoethes]

I really hope your psychiatrist listens to you lindsay.
You deserve the support of a cpn
I know it's not the same as having real life support but we're always here. You don't have to feel alone <3

[one_step_closer]

Thank you.

I don't know what I'll do if my psych doesn't offer something useful. If she wants to increase one of my meds that's find but I also need regular emotional support. I'm not getting my CPN back though, I will be surprised and grateful if I do. It could be a matter of life and death if I can push past human anxiety. But I won't tell her that because it sounds manipulative which it's not. I am going to mention my increase in suicidal feelings though. I need this appointment not to be a DISappointment.

[Pi.R^2]

I'm glad you will mention your increased suicidal thoughts and I think it would be OK to communicate that it feels like you're very close to following through on your plans (I think that's what you meant by the life or death thing?).

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. I really hope I can explain everything I need to. Writing things down doesn't always help but I have done it. I just want my CPN back but I'm mostly sure that won't happen. I wrote how my old CPN could help by doing what we were doing before. Appointments with her were the thing I always held on for and she always knew what to do. I don't want a different CPN because I've spoke to the ones who cover my area on Duty and they weren't helpful. That's including the one who was standing in for my CPN and who discharged me. I need to get my head round the probable fact that I won't get my CPN back. I'm really low today. I can't stand life.

[Pi.R^2]

Why has writing it down in the past sometimes not been helpful?

I think you're right that you need to be prepared for the eventuality that you might not get your old CPN back, difficult as that is. I hope that the psychiatrist will at the very least offer viable alternatives for support for you going forward.

[one_step_closer]

Because sometimes the conversation is steered in another direction and I don't find the right opportunity to add what I want to say.

I'm extra low today and don't know if I can even communicate the things I need to, even with my list. I've lost all motivation if that's the right word. What's the point in anything?

She's phoning somewhere between 10am and 2pm, wish me luck.

[Cacoethes]

I really hope it goes well lindsay <3

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Good luck Lindsay - thinking of you.