sorry you are struggling, but glad you are keeping busy, it's sometimes the best thing to do.
I'm having fleeting suicidal thoughts, and when they are there they are really bad, but they only last a few minutes, but I'm beginning to put together a serious suicide plan, but other than that I'm not too bad just can't sleep.
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
How come you're feeling suicidal love? Has anything triggered it, or does it just come about with no seemingly obvious reason?
I'm sorry you are feeling that way. Can you talk to anyone about the fact you're considering a suicide plan? You seem like a really good person, I for one don't want you to go through with it, nor do I want you to suffer, you can always rant at me if you like?
x
I think it is because I'm thinking about the upcmoing meeting I have with an army bandmaster, which is when I will be discussing whether my medical stuff would stop me from joining the army. I'm convinced and terrified he will say I wouldn't be able to join. Being an army musician is what I want to do soooo badly. If I couldn't do that then yes I will go through with my suicide plan.
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself lovely, try to be more gentle towards your lovely self. If you aren't able to join, it doesn't mean you should go through with suicide, how about thinking of it as a goal to achieve if you aren't able to join, to work towards being able to join?
Can you talk to anyone about how you're feeling? It sounds like you could do with some support.
but it will probably be an outright no because I've been sectioned.
I'm going to my parents for 3 weeks so won't be seeing my gp or therapist, can't really talk to my family about how bad I am feeling about it.
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
I hope you are able to join, but if you don't, you can still work towards joining in the future and try again when things are in a better place for you, it sounds like you're really struggling right now, maybe you should focus on getting to a better place and then see if you can join? Just ideas here.
How do you get on with your parents? Are they aware you're struggling, or do they not know about your mental health and such?
3 weeks is a long while to go without seeing them, is there anything you can put in place to help keep you safe?
yeah thanks sorry I wasn't trying to push aside your ideas.
I get on with my mum and sister really well. I hate my father, he is verbally abusive and controlling and that is one of the reasons I hate going home for visits. They are aware of all my mental health problems, as they visited me a lot when I was sectioned last year and we do talk about it a bit more now, but I could never tell them I was suicidal, even though they know I have felt like that in the past, I think just saying it to them would be too scary.
nope there isn't really anything to put in place, as I refuse to see the crisis team.
I'm going to try and get some sleep now as I've got to be up at 9.30am and it's nearly 6am here. thanks for talking to me, means a lot.
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
I'm sorry your father is like that, it's understandable you'd feel resistant to go near him if he behaves in that way.
I think you should try to reach out for help, it could be really useful and you might feel better, maybe could even give you some options in how to feel better.
I hope you sleep, it's 6am here too lol, been up alllll night, yawn, I'm exhausted but I can't sleep, but I really hope you get some sleep!
And anytime, I don't mind talking / being there for you, so, anytime lovely.
Wow cryptic, I can barely function on 5 hours sleep, let alone an hour. I will be going home today and having a nap before I can get anything done, I am so tired. My own fault though - stayed up watching documentaries haha.
And just try to distract yourself before your app this eve. Fill the day with things. What you doing today?
Ha, yeah, I'm thinking of trying for a nap after my laptop arrives. [getting it back FINALLY after a month and a bit of waiting for it to be repaired, thank the lord for insurance!]
But, who knows when they decide to drop it off eh? Usual thing. "please be in between 7 to 7" crap like that, so could bloody be dropped off this evening!!!
Aw, I stayed up watching twilight films, had a little marathon :P I don't know what to watch next. Hmm. Maybe Harry Potter. Hm.
I'm just so stressed. Money is a major issue. And I had physio this morning. I have to have a regimented programme after the next week, and that takes away my ability to exercise everyday if I mentally need to, which has been what's kept me going and been my SI replacement so I'm anxious about that.
And I just feel low overall. But I'll get over it I'm sure.
