Wow, your sister in law likes exclamation marks... I think her email/letter will be helpful, sometimes having an external opinion is very useful. I'm really crap today, I wish I could say more, but I hope it works out.
*leaves hugs*
Wake me up before I change again
Remind me the story that I won't get insane
Tell me why it's always the same
Explain me the reason why I'm so much in pain.
Hi Emma,
Sorry i didn't reply to your PM - i read it though and really appreciate your kindness and support - i'm always crap at replying to PM's, i think i recieved it when i was poorly with my head half hanging in a bucket (nice) so i thought "I'll reply later" then i just forget because my memory is awful. But i do appreciate your kindness and you know if you ever want to talk i'm here.
I'm doing OK although tonight i'm feeling incredibly lonely as the people i usually speak to at night who keep me relatively occupied are nowhere to be found, and i find myself becoming anxious and clingy. I'm just upset about it that they aren't replying to my texts, it makes me believe i'm just a pain in the bloody arse who should just stay away from everyone. I shouldn't be chasing people all the time and i have a habit of doing that, i should just stay away..but when i do stay away, they don't bother contacting me. Erk i don't know.
Had an hour appointment with my psychiatrist and OT today. Basically, i've been diagnosed with COED - he's refering me to the ED Services for this.
I'm going on an SSRI for my social phobia/anxiety, and a new anti-psychotic for my BPD. He's so reluctant to put me on any AP's because i'm already overweight and all AP's have a side effect of weight gain, but i'd rather try them and see if i do get it than go without anything because i need something to stabalise my moods.
Also being refered to a psychologist. Gemma (OT/CPN whatever you want to call her) is taking me out herself on Thursday as i need to get my new glasses (£170 fucking pounds!) and then if my anxiety isn't too bad, taking me to the local park, but it's market day - busiest day of the week, and i don't think i'll get through it to be honest :/
I felt too overwhelmed and frustrated by the end of the meeting as i just felt like all these things were being thrown at me and i'm nowhere near in the mindset of recovery. I feel that they aren't even bothered that my arms are raw (which they saw as i'd gotten out of the shower and didn't have time to put dressings on) and how i've got loads of pills stashed (and i mean ALOT of lethal sh*t). I just..i don't know. Feel a bit empty and lost at the moment.
I know they're all trying to help to get me better but..i don't know. I don't even know if i want to get better, i don't even want to be here right now, how am i meant to concentrate on recovery when i can barely live through a day? It just all seems too much.
And i still feel incredibly lonely. I might aswell just be a big fat loner and get rid of my mobile because it just makes me feel worse when people can't be arsed to talk back to me.
Thinking about recovery can be overwhelming, I find it helpful to break it down. Just think about the next hour and nothing else. An hour is easy to survive through and before you know it you've gone a day. Baby steps x
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I don't know how much i can continue to fight these suicidal urges. It's getting to the point now where i just have a big ball inside me growing, urging me on to do away with myself. The only other times i've had this feeling i've attempted to take my life and ended up in hospital being treated for it.
I want to steal a few pounds out of mums purse - just incase i fail i'll need to buy a drink or something (hospital water = skanky) - but i know in my heart i won't fail which is slightly .. more tempting. (I have no money until Thursday).
I don't know how i'm meant to be keeping myself safe. Distractions don't work. I'm certainly not calling 999 and i'm not phoning out of hours doctors because there's nothing they can do other than tell me to distract myself.
I'm so exhausted from these thoughts. No one would give a sh*t if i was gone away. I go on about it way too much. Probably because i want to be believed, and that when the time does come people won't be so shocked.
F*ck if i know how to get through tonight and tomorrow night.
My arms. So sore. So why do i just want to keep going until every part of them is oozing with blood?
Tired. Exhausted.
I should just shut up and get on with it. My rucksack isn't unpacked. I have enough meds still. Just..need to figure out how to get the f*ck out unnoticed.
Hi Acrasia,
I really hope you find it in yourself to keep going- despite how desperate things feel right now. People do care about you - I read your thread occasionally + I can see people here care, as well as your sister-in-law Sam.
Could you ring the samaritans? - because with them you can just talk about how you feel and not get told to distract yourself. Which clearly isn't that helpful if you are already trying to and are at your wits end.
From outside your situation I see some glimmers of hope in that your sister in laws letter sounds quite caring and sensible and will help the psychiatrist understand + treat you. Also in the longer term it does sound that there is a way forward once you become able to move away from your mum.
My sister in law is a bitch despite her letter - she has been very unsupportive and judgemental towards me since becoming ill and is very patronising - she believes i just need to switch the happy switch on and i'll be all good again.
I've phoned the Samaritans before and not found them helpful but thankyou for your nice comment/suggestions.
I think i will go tonight, i just need to summon up the energy to have a shower/hairwash and get some things together :)
I think Sumatriptan has kicked in (tablet for migraines) and it's making me feel as weak as a kitten and terribly dopey/sleepy/sick. Blah. I might have a sleep then wake up and go later as it makes more sense - folks will be asleep then.
You've held on thus far and I fully believe you can keep going. Things are starting to look up and you will get help.
Just hold on for a bit longer?
xx
Don't worry about me. I've had more than enough support from everyone on this thread to last me a lifetime, i wasn't deserving on it but i truely appreciated it.
But i'm not deserving of it now. I'm just not.
hi i just want to let you no that i have been reading your thread and think that you are really strong. i havent got much advice to give but hope you are ok!!
things are starting to look up.
babe, it's going to get better. look at the shit you've lived through! you can make it through. i swear to you, you'll make it through.
