Life, please... no more - Page 13

Kahlia1981 · 06-08-2009, 11:53 AM

I've got blisters under my feet from my new shoes - I think I'm going to have to buy a new pair because they obviously aren't doing my feet any good. My shoulder isn't hurting too much - most of my pain at the moment is from my thumb. It's not broken but there is definitely something wrong with it. I have to bring it up with the physio tomorrow morning.

Kahlia1981 · 06-08-2009, 11:50 PM

My friend let me down again. That's three times now. Once, I get upset but I get over it. The second time I gave her the benefit of the doubt but three times is too much. She is so inconsiderate that she couldn't even be bothered ringing/texting/emailing/IMing me to tell me that she wasn't coming. It just makes me so darn angry. I need to cool off because I don't need anger on top of the stress that the day has in store for me.

I go and see the physio today for my broken scaphoid. I'm still having excruciating pain in my thumb which I'm hoping is just from being in the cast for 10 weeks. So I have to go and do wrist exercises to get my wrist back moving again so that I can do things like sign my name on my prescriptions and blood test forms and so forth. Oh and of course every day writing. And it should improve my typing as well although I'm already back to touch-typing.

Then this afternoon I have to go see my old GP and try and get her to write a Stat Dec to state that I had a seizure that was the primary cause of my car accident and that I had no warning signs and they aren't a common occurrence et cetera. I'm hoping that goes well because otherwise I'll have to pay the $233 fine. Which if I have to do that I will be writing a formal letter of complaint to the police declaring that they are all incompetent shitheads who wouldn't know their arse if they were touching it with both hands.

I'm almost positively shaking with anger.

Kahlia1981 · 08-08-2009, 08:33 AM

I went and saw the physiotherapist and they aren't happy about my thumb. They wrapped my thumb up in a sticky bandage and it started to burn so I've thrown it away. I see her (the physio) on Tuesday and they are going to re-assess my thumb. It's still painful to touch and to move in any direction Bust we'll see what happens.

I saw my old GP and she wrote down what I wanted her to on the Stat Dec. Once it's been signed infront of a JP I'll get it sent to me and then I'm going to ring Legal Aid and see if they think it'll be enough to get me out of the court case. Otherwise I'll be asking them how I cut it all short and just pay the fine. Not something I want to do but that's life I guess.

I had lunch with my sister and her husband and my sister-in-law yesterday. It was quite nice. My sister-in-law was kind enough to take me both to the doctors and to a ATM so I could get my rent out of the bank. It was kind of relaxing in a weird way having my family take me out.

Kahlia1981 · 09-08-2009, 12:02 PM

Well what had to happen has happened. My bipolar has come into play. My mood has started to drop. I feel like someone has taken the floor out from under me but there's no reason to feel that way. I feel like I'm in freefall. I have to try and keep a check on my mood or it'll mean a hospital trip. Something I try and avoid at all costs. I'll probably take my night time meds soon and try to get some sleep so that I don't stay awake all night thinking about how worthless my life is and how no-one would care if I died.

Thanks to anyone who reads this.

Kahlia1981 · 12-08-2009, 11:18 PM

I'm going to see my GP today to get some brufen and I think I'll also talk to him about increasing my lithium dosage. Try and get some stability in my moods.

My laptop is away to get fixed (again) for the same problem I originally sent it to Victoria for. It would make me mad if I wasn't feeling down. I just feel all the disappointment and so forth that is normal but I was in a down mood to start with.

On a positive note I ordered the parts of a new computer yesterday. TsvTux is going to build it for me and it will hopefully be able to pick up the network in the house a lot clearer so I can use the net from it. That lifted my mood a little but I'm still down.

I had a nightmare last night that was a flashback. It felt so real like I was going through it all over again. It woke me up and I was terrified about going back to sleep so I got up. Thankfully it was 6 am and my flatmate was up and about because I think I would have cut just to get rid of the bad feelings that it left me with. And I want to make it to August 25th at 4:00 pm GMT+10 and 1 year free.

I think I need counselling to talk out this **** in my head. Maybe I should ask for a referral to a counsellor today.

Pomegranate · 12-08-2009, 11:21 PM

I think asking for a referral would be a good idea hun. Did you tell your GP that you thought you were on the way back down? How are you feeling now? *hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 13-08-2009, 12:45 AM

I haven't seen my GP since my mood dropped and I'm still pretty low. I'm going to ask for a referral when I see him in an hours time. The public mental health system has already turned me down and my GP is having to act as a psychiatrist... and is doing a better job that the public system has achieved in the past. Thanks for the hugs Emma - I know you've been having a hard time of it as late.

Kahlia1981 · 13-08-2009, 10:59 PM

I saw my GP and am now on Brufen for the pain. I also got a referral for six visits to a psychologist. I'm on the verge of writing a letter to Queensland Health asking them to treat me because I need more than six sessions to get my head sorted out.

My mood has dropped below floor level. My housemate suggested that we do something different today and go down to the Strand. Maybe that will lift our spirits a little bit. It can't make them any worse.

I've ordered the parts for my new desktop computer and am just waiting for them to be shipped.

I also ordered the DVD The Colour Of Magic which is a good movie if you are a Terry Pratchett fan, the number of which I count myself.

I still feel like sh*t warmed up but I'll get over it. That reminds me, I rang the Community Assessment and Treatment team last night because the warning bells were ringing in my head and she kept telling me to distract myself even though I told her distraction wasn't working. Then she told me that I was impulsive - which I'm not - and it made me feel like her talking to me was a waste of time because there's no way I could feel as bad as I do.

I'm sick and tired of being treated like sh*t. And I think I have every right to be. So to letter writing we go.

Kahlia1981 · 14-08-2009, 12:56 PM

Today we did something totally different. We caught the bus into town and then another bus and walked down to the Strand (or the beach whatver you want to call it). We did loads of walking - some 90 minutes or so and sampled some different fare as the cultural fest was on. I felt like I was okay while we were there and doing stuff but can't keep the bad feelings away. I rang the Womens Center and the lady is supposed to be ringing me back but I don't think it's going to happen. I feel suicidal, and not just because of what I rang the womens centre about. Suicidal thoughts and ideas keep building up in my brain.

About the womens center stuff though:

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Sexual Abuse Trigger

It made me feel scared, uncertain as to what I should feel, guilty and ashamed. I blamed my father for years because he didn't protect me from it. It's not that long ago that I recognised it wasn't his fault and have managed to build a relationship with him since that isn't too far from "normal" family life. But I can't seem to come to terms with how it makes me feel now. It's probably adding to my generalised stressors and adding to me feeling suicidal. I really want to put it all behind me I just don't really know how to do it. The womens centre offers counselling based on sexual abuse but the building they are in makes me feel unsafe. (I don't know why) I feel all sorts of feelings still especially guilty and ashamed which is why I reached out for help but I can't or don't know how to work with this.

I also have my two friends suicides which was when suicide became an out for me. None of the people who have been in charge of my treatment really understand this. They keep trying the CBT bullshit on my and it doesn't work. Then they tell me that I'm not trying hard enough.

Right now I just feel so alone and want to burst into tears but the tears won't come.

Kahlia1981 · 18-08-2009, 09:27 AM

My mood is down today so I slept for a good part of the afternoon.

My laptop is due around about tomorrow but I won't get my hopes up. They do have the correct state and postcode this time so hopefully it won't get bounced around Victoria.

I wrote a really long post and then got told I didnt have permission to post it and don't feel up to rehashing it and retyping it. I just don't have the motivation.

I love him and he knows it and he loves me and shows it in little ways but isn't really the demonstrative type. He doesn't like people touching him but he always gives me a hug and kiss at night when I go to bed. I just want to wake up in his arms. I want to be beside him always. He is safe. When I'm with him I'm safe. How can I communicate that too him.

Kahlia1981 · 18-08-2009, 10:46 AM

I feel like doing something stupid. I want to OD. Badly. And I don't know why. There hasn't been a trigger that I can lay my finger on. Maybe its just because there's no hope left in the world.

Kahlia1981 · 18-08-2009, 12:13 PM

My flatmate just got taken to the hospital in a police car. I feel so selfish and guilty .... like there was something I could have done to stop things getting so bad for him.

Kahlia1981 · 19-08-2009, 11:11 AM

I started the process today of getting myself treated by the public mental health system. I don't know if anything will come of it but we have a plan of attack for if they refuse to treat me. I'm a little apprehensive about it.

I still want to OD. My head is f*cked up

Kahlia1981 · 20-08-2009, 02:18 AM

I'm as skittish today as a cat on a hot tin roof. I had hopes that my laptop would arrive back today but it's not likely to arrive until tomorrow. Originally my housemate and I had planned to do something different and go to the museum but that idea has been canned. He's asleep and was saying he was going to do the cleaning and the shopping. I don't want to wake him but at the same time I do want to wake him because being by myself is making my anxiety worse. I still want to OD but there's no logical reason behind it. It's just that my mood has plummeted. I don't quite know what to do. I tried distraction by watching a dvd and am getting no where. I tried a quiet smoke in case that would bring my anxiety levels down but to no avail. I've taken my lunch time tablet early (Xanax) because I took my morning meds early but nothing seems to be helping.

Kahlia1981 · 22-08-2009, 11:19 AM

I need to OD. That is the honest truth. It's a need programmed into me when my mood drops. And my mood has dropped.....

I need hugs and someone to tell me it'll be okay.

crazykat · 22-08-2009, 11:27 AM

*Hugs* You can and will get through this. Please try not to OD, it won't solve anything. I wish I could make it better for you, I really do. Let me know if there is anything I can do ok?

Kahlia1981 · 23-08-2009, 03:57 AM

Thanks Kat.

I made it through the night okay and without ODing. Now I'm as manic as hell. My whole body feels like it's buzzing. I want to run and scream things from the mountain tops. I want to climb on the roof and jump off and see if I can fly.

crazykat · 24-08-2009, 04:38 PM

Well done for making it through the night, proud of you. Please be careful hun. Thinking of you *hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 25-08-2009, 12:20 AM

First off - I've made my goal of 1 full year SI free.

Now that should make me happy but I feel like OD'ing. For no reason whatsoever. Just a need drilled into my brain. I want it all to stop. To just be over forever. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

But I'll pretend and I'll pull through and no-one IRL will know or care.

Kahlia1981 · 25-08-2009, 12:55 PM

My new desktop computer has arrived and been assembled. It's whisper quiet and runs like a dream. It has 8GB of RAM in it so it darn well should and a massive Graphics card.

Today has actually been an okay day after the morning starting crapily. My housemate and I went out for lunch, then built the computer (well mostly my housemate did that while I watched on) then this evening we went out for ice cream. All to celebrate my reaching a goal.

My computer high is starting to come down .... but hopefully I will be okay. I can always switch the beast 2 on and bring myself back up.