this one makes me laugh every time - try to get the accent right tho!
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA
( MUST BE READ IN AN ITALIAN ACCENT)
One day ima gonna go Malta to bigga hotal.
Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.
I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast.
She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want two piss.
She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch !
Later I go to eat at bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock.
She tell me everyone wanna fock.
I tell her you no understand.
I wanna fock on the table.
She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.
I call the manager and tella him I wanna ****.
He tell me to go to toilet.
I say you no understand.
I wanna **** on my bed.
He say you better not **** onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy !
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether"computer"should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
yes, yes we did we had a secret marriage on a beautiful island in the middle of the carrabean ....
our cats also eloped, mine are severly jet lagged after the whole oredeal
Two light bulbs are lying in their cardboard sleeve on a shelf somewhere. The first light bulb is a real nervous type. He's been going on and on. "What if I don't light up? Seriously, what if I don't? I will just ****ing die! God, I'm freaking out. And thanks to our ****ing packaging, we don't know whether we're in a store or a warehouse, or if we're sitting under someone's kitchen sink moments away from being screwed in and turned on. What if there's something wrong with my filament? I mean, it feels OK to me, but there's not really any way of knowing for sure until I get hit with some current. Sure, I passed the factory test and lit up just fine, but what if ..." The second light bulb has had enough. "Will you shut the **** up! Just shut up!" There is a long awkward silence. Then the first light bulb says, "Well, what else are we supposed to talk about?"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock?
WHO IS THERE?
BANANA
Yeah, I know you said that already.
Well then let me in. My name is Banana. What else do you want me to say?
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. They just sex and are enjoying a post coital cigarette. The chicken looks over to the egg and says "I guess we solved that one, then."
Q. How many members of a specific target group does it take to perform a preordained task.
A. N. One to perform the task and N-1 to act in a manner stereotypical to that group.
this is one of my all time faves i laughed for hours
Last week I was with one of my summer interns in the lobby when a receptionist complained that her printer wasn't working
The intern horsed around with it and discovered a pen stuck inside the printer.
He started to jam his fingers down in to the printer to get the pen, but I told him we didn't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.
So
he grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went investigate.
This is what he found.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : This is what he found!!!!!
