How are you getting on? I know it's scary but maybe you should try and get some help from your GP or someone. You're struggling a lot but someone might be able to help.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am managing. Still in pain which won't be helping so going to have some ibuprofen.
I know talking to GP would be the sensible thing. I don't know why I am finding it so hard.
But I am having good moments in between and with venting here I am coping barely perhaps at times but I am coping. I was waiting to see if it got better. ISometimes it's just a blip and then I feel better. And I am not hallucinating really just struggling a bit with all this extra stress without the outlet of therapy. The hallucinations coming back was the thing I was afraid of and they seem to have dropped off, I am just left on high alert.
I don't know what GP could do. If I was properly hallucinating maybe I could get referred to see a psych for the first time in years and we could try and find an antipsychotic which wouldn't effect my prolactin levels. Not sure if one of those exists though. But you can bet if I do get an assessment the CMHT as things are now they will decide not to take me on just like 2016 and 2019. Because I won't be bad enough to meet their criteria. Maybe I could get referred back to my psychologist who I did the year and a half of therapy with but he is in neuro psychology and despite the extra stress I have been doing well with my FND so not sure I would qualify. I am meant to be getting EDMR from his service at some point though and a lot of the stress is asthma related.
Maybe I should just open a line of communication with GP and see what he says. Rather than thinking of all the ways asking for help would be futile. I am just not sure it's bad enough to ask for help and put myself through potential rejection from CMHT etc. Might try tomorrow.
Suicidal thought snad self harm thoughts pop up for me as a response to stress but I am not acting on them. If it gets really rough I could try first response which this urgent NHS mental health helpline thing.
So typing all this out allowed me to take a positive step and speak to my partner about whether I should ask for extra help and my fears about whether it would be worth asking and all that.
And he said while I have been handling it a lot better than I would in the past it's clear that I have been struggling since last week. He reminded me that my GP had said in an appointment about antipsychotics and whether I had to come off completely that he would fight my corner with the CMHT if necessary. And that GP has been really helpful and supportive already.
So plan is to put in an econsult thing tomorrow and ask specifically for it to be dealt with by my GP. And hopefully that way he can get in contact quicker than the usual 3 -4 week wait for a routine appointment with someone specific. And if it gets worse while I am waiting to hear I can always call for an urgent appointment, there might be a way to ask to speak to your GP rather than duty urgently but I haven't been offered it before just had my GP poke his head into urgent appointments with the nurse.
So I have yet to achieve my goal of contacting GP.
In general I have been a bit better mentally the last few days and so I am wondering if I am working my way out of the blip and so can manage without a check up.
Although Tuesday I kind of went a bit manic and into overdrive doing stuff to avoid calling almost and then yesterday I was just pretty wrecked physically all day but fairly chill about it.
What do you guys think? Still worth getting in touch with GP? I am on the fence because I have been handling it well and so if it's getting better now is me getting in touch wasting their time? What could GP do? Just refer me to CMHT where I have to go through an assessment?
I guess an assessment could be helpful if it led to a proper med review. Haven't seen a psychiatrist since 2015; other than briefly during an assessment. But I don't want to put myself through stress of assessment and likely rejection / under long wait lists if I am managing just about.
Medication wise I am pretty much max for my antidepressant although the symptoms haven't really been depressive. And I am at lowest dose of antipsychotic but having prolactin issues so have been tapering off, I think technically the dose I am on now isn't therapeutic. But I have been taking reduction very gently after 9 years on Olanzapine. Went from 10mg to 2.5mg over 2 years (only reducing when my prolactin got so high I had to) and now been on 2.5mg for six months or so. I will probably have to come off it completely at some point I just delayed that because when old GP suggested it was just as my therapy was ending which seemed bad timing. But if I am getting some of the symptoms it reduced in past maybe letting them know before they say come off is wise? But I could just wait to say that until I have my next set of bloods?
There is potential that I was better yesterday because I was so tired that I didn't really engage with thoughts or was a bit dissociative the whole day. But then I think things are calming down hyper vigilance wise now it's been a week and a half since I was triggered. Like right now I feel a little on edge but not like something is actively watching me as an example.At beginning of last week I not only felt watched but like something was there.
It's like tricky it's not bad enough anymore that it feels urgent like I have to see someone/ am in danger from crocodile. But it's still a bit off.
Last edited by long road : 22-06-2023 at 04:35 PM.
Reason: 2915 to 2015 I am not a time traveller
Sounds like there's a lot going on and potentially a lot to discuss and maybe change. I'd definitely say it's worth phoning your GP, even if you feel like you're coping right now because sometimes you really aren't coping. I know it can be hard to reach out but you're allowed to do so any time and wouldn't be wasting time. I don't think you really have anything to lose by getting in touch with your GP. I don't have the answer to what your GP would do, maybe they'd talk through things and give you suggestions but not think anything else needs done or the might offer you some things that you can say yes or no to. You are still in control of what happens right now. Is there anything that would make it easier for you to contact your GP?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Re sometimes really not coping which bits in particular do you mean? Just would be good to have an outside perspective on bits I really seem to struggle with like if there is particular post. No worries if you aren't sure.
I guess I had set my bar of coping as haven't engaged in the harmful behaviours (suicide, self harm etc.). When really coping might include not getting into extreme distress / getting harm thoughts that you afraid you might act on. But I have been surviving those periods of extreme distress and not just shutting down or acting?
I think phoning is hard because of having to say out loud that I am struggling and have to deal with a receptionist. But also it's like I would say worsening mental health isn't routine so can wait three to four weeks but I don't want a same day appointment with just whoever is on duty. I only trust my GP with the mental health stuff, after some not as good experiences with other GPs. And I don't know if I can ask to be seen more urgently by my GP and find the idea of asking and not knowing if it's possible hard.
I think the easiest way to be seen more urgently but by my GP is a patient triage request online. And text is easier for me to communicate in, but it's knowing how much detail to put, because although the admin team aren't in charge of triaging these requests they do read them to make sure they are passed on to right place and mental health is quite privatw for me especially the feeling stuff that might not be there bits. Its a trust thing. And also It has a character limit so have to edit down what I need to say so it fits.
So like phone is harder but over quicker and I have full control of info to people other than GP as I only need to say worsening mental health
Patient triage is less control over who sees more detailed bits and takes longer to actually put together. But allows me to communicate more accurately with GP what is going on and stops me clamming up in a later appointment because GP already knows a bit. And means I am more likely to see GP I trust quicker.
And I don't know what is right and am sort of anxiously running through phone call scenario over and over or trying to work out what I feel able to right down and what key bits might be etc.
I think I just mean you have been getting distressed quite a bit and I am very proud of you for the ways you try to manage but the increase in MH things being difficult is something that can possibly be helped. Plus you yourself are questioning whether you need to speak to someone and I think that's important to acknowledge even if you're not sure why you're considering it totally. You don't have to contact your GP right away, you could take some time to really think about the easiest contact method for you like you have been doing here. If you have enough focus, or you could think for a little while each day and maybe write some things like the pros and cons and get your partner to help if that feels ok. It's also ok if you come to the conclusion that you're managing things alright by yourself and with your partner right now and don't think you need something extra just yet. I know all this is so huge and lots to think about, take your time. If we can be of any help just let us know. Also, you don't have to do anything I've mentioned. This is completely about you and what's important to you and what you feel comfortable with.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Things have been better lately so have decided to hold off contacting GP for now. Will keep an eye on things but I seemed to have got through this worse patch for now. Not feeling hypervigilant and watched anymore. So have recovered from the trigger in physio session.
Depends how my asthma goes really as to how I will cope. As that has been a big source of stress lately. And triggered bad memories etc.
Haven't posted here in a while but tonight I am finding things hard. Struggling to convince myself I am safe. Brain keeps telling me I am in danger (with thoughts but also physical danger sense and the feeling I am being watched). Any suggestions on how to make myself feel safer? Part of me says hiding under furniture but with seizures that's not super safe and hiding sort of reinforces the thoughts.
I have tried:
- CBT rationalising - presenting myself with the evidence that noone has ever attacked me in my home, and that nothing has changed about my home. That I live in a safe area etc.
- Cuddling my cuddly toy lion and focus on the feel of his fur. As a grounding /soothing thing.
- Distracting myself
I'm sorry you were so scared. I know what it's like to feel safer on the floor/under things. Would you feel safe with lots of soft things on the floor and a blanket over you? I hope you don't feel scared tonight. Take it easy, I hope you feel physically better soon.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sometimes blanket forts help. I make them on the bed with my cuddly animals. Don't think I'd want to put the cushions in the floor though. And under table (especially a desk) is good because you can see out but your back and sides are protected.
I didnt think the safer on floor/ under furniture thing would be a thing for multiple people's. Makes me a feel a bit less alone with it.
Not had much energy to be scared with today. But can feel something lurking a little. If prolactin does end up coming back high I am going to have to explain recent experiences to GP to show why I am scared to come off completely.
Very bad day FND wise. Very triggering mental health wise. Not even being able feed myself is triggering back to hospital stay. So out of the world. So hard to stay here. So tired. So frustrated.
Feeling like this makes me want hurt myself a bit just to let out frustration / express myself/ deal with fact that I don't want to be experiencing this right now. Probably won't as it would just make things worse. Unless I lose control and hit my head or something. But trying hard to rest. Just scared I will get stuck too long
It's making me flashback to some distressing stuff from when I was in hospital when I developed FND and it was very scary and alone and didn't know what was really happening and it was all too much
It's a bit stupid but I can't see a way out despite FND being very variable but this is worst felt in long time
I don't fully remember how I coped in bad bits or how bad they were, the joys of dissociation. When it was last this bad I had therapy to help process things and actively help me cope/ work out what triggered me. I have skills from therapy but it's not quite same.
Managed to make my voice work and vent a bit to partner and tell them I needed to not be alone. So he is making me something easy to eat and going to keep me company.
It's probably partly trigged by being anaemic as I am currently on my period. Pretty sure bleeding and anaemia are not friends. I just been completely shattered since my period started on Sunday.
And FND doesn't cope great with other things being wrong physically. And I still need EDMR to deal with memories from being hospitalised back in January 2021.
Can you put any of those therapy skills in to use now?
I'm glad you have your partner there to keep you company.
I really do get the whole anaemia thing but without the additional stuff going on for you, so I can't imagine. Period will pass, the iron tablets will start working before the next one and things will improve.
Don't have much brain power so I think going to try focus on comfort /distraction stuff.
We already did a bit of grounding earlier when partner found me stuck but don't have energy to do a full exercise. Will try and make sure I meditate tomorrow and do one of the recorded grounding exercises I have as it easier to listen and do than try and remember what to do off your own back but even listening seems to much today.
My aim is to get calm enough I can get some more sleep and hopefully wake up with more energy tomorrow.
I know you get the anaemia stuff. And thanks for reminding me that there is a way through that with iron tablets. I am not their biggest fan but side effectsarent too bad.
P.s. thank you NP
Last edited by long road : 02-08-2023 at 10:35 PM.
Reason: Thankyous
I was lucky that I didn't have any side effects from the tablets but there was definitely a point where I realised they were working. My anaemia was pretty bad so it took a while but it is still worth doing all the things to make that iron absorb as best as it can.
And you're more than welcome. I wish you weren't suffering so badly. But I do strongly believe you've got all the techniques and whatever to get through this <3
