Because technically I wasn't allowed out so if I'd made a fuss I wouldn't have been allowed to go. I just slipped out. I'm sure it won't delay discharge they didn't even notice.
Apparently I'm not going to the day hospital despite everyone talking about it for the past two weeks. I've had enough of services. I'm discharging myself from everywhere. My cpn just talks total shite the whole time. I don't give a fuck anymore. I want to be left alone to live or die accordingly.
I hope you're able to go to the day hospital and find it helpful.
Take care,
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm freaking out. Both the day hospital and my cpn were meant to be ringing today and neither have. I know it's all bpd of me but I feel so let down by services. I want to overdose and get lost in a world of severe pain and sickness. I can't see any good reason to not. Everything feels like such a mess. And I want out.
They both called. I'm at the day hospital now and seeing my cpn in a bit. It's helping being here but I'm massively struggling with wanting to self harm or just end it all. My eczema is really bad, I have loads of forms and things that need sorting, I'm meant to be starting uni next week, my grandfather is about to pass away and I can't get myself together enough to even write to him. Sorry I'm moaning again.
If it is helpful to rant, it is a good thing :) I glad you are finding the day hospital helpful even it's only a little bit. Are you talking to staff about your feelings and thoughts/urges? Is there any distractions or self-soothing strategies that have helped in past with the urges?
I am really sorry to hear about your Grandfather. I have just lost my Granddad to cancer 2 weeks ago. I understand and you are in my thoughts. Try to write to him, even if you only do any sentence at a time and keep coming back to it. Is there any possibility of you going to visit him?
What are you studying at uni/going to study?
Could your cpn/staff help you with the forms if you are struggling to do them alone? How are you feeling about starting uni next week? Do you think the structure and distraction could be helpful? Are you feeling up to to it? or do you think you need to contact the uni about your current health? Is the uni aware of health health problems? Do they do anything to make studying easier for you/offer you any extra support?
My cpn has just been and he doesn't seem mad at me anymore which is good. Yeah been working and distracting and self soothing so I don't do something stupid which is good. Cpn said he's not ready to give up on me which I don't understand but I'm grateful for. He doesn't seem mad at me anymore which is good.
I'll be doing my final year of philosophy and social policy. I'm very nervous about it because I don't feel like I'm ready to go back to do the hours. I could cope last semester with half the workload I will have this semester so I don't know what I'm going to do. Some people at uni know what my health problems are but some have tried to kick me out before because of it so I should keep my mouth shut really.
I'm due to visit my grandfather this weekend if all goes to plan. It'll be the last time we see him :'( I'm not sure I'll be able to cope with it.
I'm glad things with your CPN are okay and that he's said he's not ready to give up on your. I imagine that took a weight off your mind.
I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with people at Uni and your health. I know it can make you feel like you shouldn't say anything. Could you perhaps talk to the people who have reacted well to it?
I'm sorry about your Grandfather, try to take things a bit at a time.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I think I may have overdosed or I'm about to I'm not sure which. Zopixllonen makes my head go funny and strong urges and what not but if i od I'll get kicked out of day hosp and I'll make myself suicide because of the shmeb what should I do?
Sorry about last night, I took a zopiclone and it sent me a bit loopy. As far as I can tell I didn't overdose. I'm going to the day hospital in a bit. Feeling a bit more stable today than previously which is good. I still have loads of things that need sorting that I've not done which is stressing me out but whatever. I don't know if I'm seeing my grandfather tomorrow or not because my step mum hasn't got back to me urgh.
Apparently he's very seriously ill and tomorrow will be the last chance to see him. He's no longer well enough to read so I've missed my chance to write to him. I'm a complete selfish cow for not getting something down on paper. What if he actually dies when I'm there? I hate myself for not being able to deal with this.
I think going to see him will be more comforting for him and knowing you said goodbye for you. Don't beat yourself about not writing. Telling him in person that you love him, maybe hug him or hold his hand will comfort him and give you a chance to tell him anything you feel is important for him to know.
I have just seen my Granddad die from cancer and he did die while we were there, but it was partly because we waited by his bedside as a family. His breathing will worsen a lot before he passes so if you don't feel you can cope/don't want to be there will be a chance for you to leave as his breathing deteriorates in the last day/few hours. It may be shocking to him that ill and will probably look a lot worse then when you last saw him, it may also be quite upsetting to see him so ill.
Be gentle with yourself at this difficult time, you are in my thoughts.
