My mother was among my abusers. So, to a far more subtle degree, was her own mother, my grandmother, who raised me for part of my childhood. Mammaw's "abuse," if I can call it that, took the form of little digs. "Well, it seems to me if you're so smart, you should be able to figure out..." "You mean, you get A's at school, and you don't know..." She hated it when I referred to myself as intelligent or talented, or said I was good at something. I could merely mention that I got the highest grade in my class on a test, and I would hear, "Well, don't break your arm patting yourself on the back." Then if I made a mistake later, my words were brought back to haunt me. If I burned something, "I thought you said you were a good cook."
My mother's abuse came as harsh discipline--slaps, beatings, etc. She always wondered why I wouldn't come to her with my problems. Knowing that if I said something she didn't want to hear, it would result in a slap? I don't think so. She constantly reminds me that I am "fat," yet is forever asking me if I want to join her in a bowl of ice cream.
Mom is also a gaslighter. My memory is so acute that family members are all the time calling me for some answer to a trivia question, who was that neighbor we lived next door to in 1974, or what were the words to that song we used to listen to in elementary school? Yet if I recall an episode of abuse, it "didn't happen that way." I'm remembering it wrong. Maybe I dreamed it, or maybe I saw it on television, and I got confused and remember it as something that happened to me. She doesn't question my memory at any other time, only when I'm talking about being abused.
Last edited by LovebirdsFlying : 05-08-2010 at 02:33 PM.
Reason: clarity, more detail
tigerseyes: I know this can be really difficult. :( I think it's a really good idea to talk about this, so if you feel up to it you definitely should. Just start with what comes the easiest: don't worry about what it sounds like if you can help it, or even it it makes sense.
ok i am going to try and make a start with talking about this, i will start with my aunt, i still dont feel quite ready to talk about my mum just yet but maybe after talking about my aunt i will so for now i will just stick to my aunt, i hope that that is ok and im sorry if i am making no sense.
To everyone else my aunt was this loving, kind, caring person,she took care of me from the time i was born on a daily basis while my mother was at work, when other people were around she would give me things, be nice say nice things and we would do nice things, she would give cuddles and kisses and make me feel special like she did care and that she loved me, but once i was alone with her from the age of around 5 (i dont know it could have been earlier but i dont know) she would be a completely different person, she would shout at me, say mean things to me tell me that my mother should never have had me that i was a horrible child and that she wished i was dead or had died before i was born, she would hit me,beat me, kick me, push me, punch me, lock me in a tiny room for hours at a time, break my toys and things around the house then tell my mother that i was the one who broke them, she would touch me and make me touch her do things to me that right now im sorry i just cannot put into words.
im sorry i feel now i have said way to much so i am going to stop now
tigerseyes: well done for posting that! I know it must have been very difficult. It must have been so difficult to go through that. I've had similar things happen to me. You're very brave to post about it. How do you feel after writing it? I hope you're doing ok.
It's ok to feel that way. I know it must be a very scary thing to say. I think you did really well to say it and you should feel proud of yourself. Maybe you could reward yourself in some way? Eat something you really like, watch something funny on TV, take a moment to relax?
still not sure i did the right thing by letting that all out, have come back time and time again wanting to delete it but i will not i will leave it.
i just feel like maybe just maybe i should have kept it in where it has been for so very long
((tigerseyes)) Please don't keep any guilty feelings. You did the right thing taking care of yourself. You can't do any good to anyone else, unless you take care of yourself first.
Rosy: about mums doing stuff for you whilst they've done so much TO you: I know the feeling. My mum drives me to Antwerp and stuff like that, she listens to me when I have something to say etc. Why didn't she do that before? And why does she still harrass me when she's seeing the opportunity?
One of the many reasons why I don't want to go home any more.
RYL FAMILY
Jo (Newlife) is my daughter
Kat (Katnovia) is my sister
i have so much going around in my head at the moment, since i wrote what i wrote before its like all this stuff wants to come out, i am just feeling so scared to let it out
Tigerseyes: I know that can be a really scary feeling. I try so hard not to think about my abuse, and when I do it can feel really overwhelming. Your mind has a good safety net though: it won't let you think about stuff that you're not capable of dealing with. Try to trust yourself. Sometimes you can let this stuff out in ways that feel safe: sometimes I draw things and it helps me to deal with what I'm feeling, or at other times I write about what happened and that helps. I have a friend who likes to go for really long walks and that helps her to deal with things too. You could try a couple of ways of getting this stuff out and see if one of them helps? You can try to think of RYL as a safe place too, where you can talk about these things in an environment where no one will judge you or try to silence you. If you ever feel like it, you're always welcome to PM me about anything too.
I have been having all these memories go round and around in my head today, i have done what i can to push them away and keep my focus on my little girl but right now this one memory wont stop coming back and i need to let it out, so i am going to try here i hope that is ok
this is a memory of a day i was staying with my aunt
Earlier in the day she had dressed me in a new dress telling me that i was not to get it dirty or she would smack and beat me so hard i would not beable to sit down for a week, all day i stayed inside making sure to do things that would not get the dress dirty, i really didnt want her to smack me and certainly not beat me. Then it was dinner and we were sitting at the table i was taking care not to let any drop down the front of the dress, then she called my name making me jump the fork fall from my hand food onto my dress gravy everywhere, before i could do or say anything she was shouting at me and lifting me from the chair, pulling up the back of the dress landing smack after smack on my bottom, then the dress was off and my underwear to, she got two chairs and pushed them together told me to lay on my tummy across them, i did as she said, she came back carrying the rope and a belt, she tied my wrists to the legs of one chair and my legs to the back of the other, she started hitting me with her hand and then the belt then she
*shakes and cries* sorry i cannot write anymore sorry
sorry if this should not be here i will delete if its not ment to be sorry
I'm so sorry you went through that, tigerseyes. What your aunt did was very cruel and very wrong. :( Well done for being brave enough to write that out. It must have been very difficult to write about or even think about.
If you're feeling extra shaky or vulnerable just now, I think that's normal. I know I feel that way when I talk about stuff. Can you try to be really good to yourself this evening? Eat something you really enjoy, or read a book that you like, or watch something happy on TV? Just something to make things easier on yourself. You're very brave.
Well done for writing that out, love. You're very brave for doing that. What your aunt did sounds horrible. I can certainly understand that when memories like these drift above the feelings coming with them are overwhelming. Well done for writing it out. I'm proud of you.
*Another big big hug*
RYL FAMILY
Jo (Newlife) is my daughter
Kat (Katnovia) is my sister
