they're coming for me. coming to rip out my uterus. or maybe they already have. i have to go to london to where i gave birth to the bridge in 2009, they nailed my uterus to the wall. it's all falling out now. i'm waiting for them to arrest me. someone must hurt; someone must pay. it's all fragmented: dreams, feelings, actions, memories, thoughts, them, me, good, evil, skin, soul. toxic black tarry mess. there are the tiny holes in my fingers and thighs and my shoulder has been ripped out. 1V3 is the sign, as long as i am vigilant i can run.
Oh. My. God.
This is ridiculous!
This is so ridiculous, it's almost funny!
You better not think I'm leaving my family gathering for Thanksgiving EARLY
to help you out of this GIGANTIC hole you are STILL digging yourself into practically on PURPOSE!!
Seriously? SERIOUSLY??
no.
Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak.
Sometimes it just means you're strong enough to let go.
i can't blame you for breaking my heart, because i think i broke yours first. i just hate this.
oh non-believer, please believe me.
is there honestly nothing in this world
that keeps you living & breathing?
you're a ghost in your own
goddamn city.
Additionally, dear ALL the people on facebook. Please don't show my new jpgs to my father, I got bored cropping out my scars, OK? Ceeb to hide it from ALL our mutual friends, but similarly ceeb for him to see.
Was going to say something and then realised it will probably be classed as glorifying so will probably PM you on facebook instead, but I just wanna say I adore all the pics of you and Jodie, you are both beautiful and make a stunning couple :)
I appreciate that you have now apologised for your disgusting behaviour, and I know it is a sincere apology based on the fact that you questioned whether I would even want to speak to you. Normally I would be exstatic and all would be forgotten in the relief and knowledge that you havent abandoned me... But I am still so hurt, and cant forget the state I was in that day. I will forgive, because I love you and dont want to lose you from my life. But I dont think I can forget this time... I cant keep "forgetting" and brushing under the carpet, the intense fear I have all the time that you will leave me, and the constant treading on eggshells just incase I make you mad at me... all because I see you as "mummy H". I think I need to drop the "mummy" part. For my own benefit rather than your detriment, but I need to take that parental emphasis off you for my own sanity because you are NOT my mother, which means any moment you COULD just up and leave me and never look back. Everybody does it, so why shouldnt you? You are not blood and therefore have no obligation. I cannot keep living in this fear, so although I love you so much more than you will ever realise, and far more than you will ever love me... I need to let you go as my second mother, so that in my head, the intense devaluation/idealisation can hopefully decrease, because I truly cannot cope with any more episodes like I had last Tuesday. I just cant. And I cant keep feeling so devestatingly crushed every time you dont live up to my high parental expectations.
I am so desperate to be number one in SOMEONES life, but I am looking in the wrong place because although you dont have a daughter, you have 2 sons and I know they will and do always come before me... and that is the way it should be. But this is why I need to drop your parental role in my life; because it always crushes me beyond belief when you put your sons before me... and that is very wrong of me. Goodbye, Mummy H. Hello, H.
i will make sure she obeys every single rule.
i would like it if you would leave her alone.
i can look after myself. i dont need you.
i just need miss.
Sing me to sleep.
I'll see you in my dreams.
Waiting to say.
I miss you.
I'm so sorry.
Fuck off, that is absolutely the best thing for you. No arguments, just leave, don't contact me, don't bullshit me, just goodbye. Forget everything I said and don't take this as some melodramatic hype. you're too good, so just go, you'll never understand and that's good for you, genuinely.
I really need you to forget what I said.
Oh god I want to hear you say,
I want to hear you say that you were wrong again
This is the first thing
I have understood:
Time is the echo of an axe
Within a wood.
i never stopped loving you, and i'll never stop caring.
oh non-believer, please believe me.
is there honestly nothing in this world
that keeps you living & breathing?
you're a ghost in your own
goddamn city.
Well I'm ever so sorry that my illnesses are making this a fucking bad day for me. I'm so so sorry that my M.E in particular is causing me so much pain and exhaustion. Jesus.
you act like the joker, you act like you are such a charity man, you are a 'hero', no-one would ever expect you to do something as bad as what you did to me.
you had a great family, you had a great job, and you were getting your kicks from doing what you did to me.
well karma is a bitch, and i hope you rot in prison for the rest of your life, you sleazy old paedophile.
I am so sick of being the supporter and thinking everyone else's problems are bigger than mine and so they obvs. need the time more than me. I'm sick of being asking me as an afterthought. I'm either going to take some time for me and NOT feel guilty about it, and if not that then I'm taking the sidelines.
I'm also sick of feeling like a bitch every time I get angry or stand up for myself. Yes, it might seem disproportionate sometimes but because of life experiences it's probably understandable and justified. I'm sick of feeling like I can't stamp my feet or make a passive-aggressive comment incase it's pinned as a 'borderline trait'. Angry outburst or not, it's nothing compared to what the vast majority of 'non-borderlines' I've seen do on a day-to-day basis. I'm gonna blow if I don't start expressing myself, even if that means 'going off the deep end' occasionally. I'm sick of feeling guilty.
I'm also sick of giving a toss whether or not people like me. I don't care anymore. I like me. I am doing okay. I'm not perfect but it's like I think everyone else must be and I'm just shit. I'm not, I'm not shit at all.
