Life, please... no more - Page 12

Kahlia1981 · 16-07-2009, 07:58 AM

Well my olanzapine has been increased and so has my lithium. My flatmate jst got some bad news. Apparently his lower cervical spine has compressed or is crushed which means he can't lift things anymore. He was going to go back and do removals but will not be able to now. He's hoping some further investigations will be done. I just hope he can get some help to cope. I can see that he is scared, and I just wish that there was something I could do to help.

wildly insane · 16-07-2009, 10:08 AM

*hugs* hope the meds change works and doesn't have any horrible side effects. Hopefully you can sleep again soon, our bodies end up thinking stupid things when lacking sleep.

You're there for him and he knows it, that's helping more than you can imagine I'm sure.

Take care hun

Kahlia1981 · 16-07-2009, 10:22 AM

Thanks Hannah, both for the hugs and the perspective.

Kahlia1981 · 21-07-2009, 12:31 PM

With regards to my flatmate, it appears that it is only calcification of the cervical vertebrae. The discs appear to be in fairly good condition. He requires fairly strong anti-inflammatorymedication and treatment by a good physiotherapist.

My laptop is still being repaired, and I have no idea when it will get back to me. This is problematic because uni begins next week. I've already had to make some changes to my timetable. I just hope that I can get into the tutorials and practicals that I would prefer.

My stress levels are pretty high at the present time. But the good news is I have managed to reach 11 months (or should I say lunar months) self injury free.

My flatmate and I celebrated with a couple of drinks of Coke and some chocolate. I should be in bed sleeping at the moment but my brain won't
let me. I am no longer feeling tired but wide-awake. Thankfully I'm not having any flashbacks from the sexual abuse. Sometimes you have to look for positives wherever you can and that's what I am trying to do.

To anyone who reads this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Kahlia1981 · 22-07-2009, 10:58 AM

My laptop is apparently still not ready and Uni begins Monday. Talk about a high stress situation. Luckily the disability resource officer has offered me a loan laptop and I have decided to take her up on the offer.I'm going into uni Friday to buy my textbooksand hopefully pick up the laptop. At least I know I am going to have one subject that I will breeze through. Now I just have to go through and read all the other textbooks.

My flatmate and I have the best conversations using MSN from his room to my room. We can talk in person but conversations regarding our feelings for each other we find easier in electronic format. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess that at least we can express our feelings for one another.

My flatmate is continuously tired. We don't know what's causing it but it is interfering with his life. I am concerned that he is coming down with some sort of illness like a cold. Either that or it is related to his medication.

I think I might try and read part of the next chapter in my textbook before I go to bed.

wildly insane · 22-07-2009, 11:47 PM

*hugs* good luck with Uni and I hope you get your laptop back soon. I know what you mean about msn as a communication tool though, I find it easier too :) take care and I hope it all goes well

Kahlia1981 · 23-07-2009, 06:58 AM

I have now read the first five chapters of one of my textbooks and decided to call it a day. I buy two more textbooks tomorrow and have to get into reading those. I absolutely have had enough reading of textbooks for today. At least some of the reading was interesting especially when talking about memory management and operating systems.

My flatmate had the dentist look at his teeth and the tooth that has been losing parts is apparently rotten all the way. He has to get x-rayed and have another appointment then they will decide if the dentist removes the tooth or an oral surgeon is required.

My shoulder isn't hurting anywhere near as much at the present time. I am generally able to cope with the pain with the aid of some weaker painkillers than the opiates I have been prescribed. I know when my shoulder moves through angles that it shouldn't because it canes. But at least it only hurts when I move it through those angles.

*hugs hannah* - thanks for the hugs

Kahlia1981 · 26-07-2009, 06:02 AM

I feel so guilty because I fell asleep and couldn't be woken up and then my flatmate overdosed and had to get taken to hospital. I feel like it was my fault because I didn't wake up. :(

wildly insane · 26-07-2009, 03:51 PM

aww hun, it wasn't your fault. Is your housemate okay? *cuddles* honestly it's not your fault

Kahlia1981 · 26-07-2009, 10:48 PM

Yes, my housemates okay. But I can't stop feeling guilty. And that makes me want to cut. I know it's irrational but it's how I feel. I love him and I don't want to lose him over something preventable.

wildly insane · 26-07-2009, 11:05 PM

I know, but at least you know it's irrational, you've done so well, I know you can keep going. He's okay, just think of that, no, what ifs.

Kahlia1981 · 26-07-2009, 11:52 PM

Thanks Hannah. That's what I keep reminding myself. I've checked in on him a few times this morning and he was snoring away peacefully. I'm a bugger for playing what ifs - or whopping ifs as I like to call them.

I'm fighting a fine in court because of my accident and my doctor doesn't seem to want to come to the party. My defense relies on the fact that I had an absence seizure but the police will just counter that I shouldn't have been driving and so forth - they will probably use the hospitals notes, even though the hospital didn't do anything to assess why the accident happened and didn't even do tests for anything except to prove that I was conscious. I'm freaking about this.

Kahlia1981 · 27-07-2009, 01:17 AM

I read this quote in someone's signature and it hit a cord with me:
Once in a lifetime, you find someone who touches not only your heart, but also your soul,
Once in a lifetime you find someone who stands beside you - not in front of you...
Once in a lifetime, you find someone who loves you for who you are,
Once in a lifetime you find a very special love - as I have found you.
That's how I feel about my flatmate .... and I know he loves me but he is scared of getting his heart broken again, which I quite understand. I guess I just have to wait and hope that he'll see I'm not like other girls and don't sleep around and so forth.

mouse in darkness · 27-07-2009, 02:43 PM

To my dear Pritty Princess {you Kahlia} I wish you all the best of luck. I know and understand what you have written and have been unable to talk about. Sorry I have moved so far away. Just remember if I am not physically by your side then our souls stand side-by-side where-ever we are, for ever. {Our beloved Princess is to your right(You know who I speak of)}

*Lots of gentle hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 28-07-2009, 01:21 AM

thanks Nicole.

Well Uni has started and I have had my first lecture. I have lectures until Thursday. Of course Uni doesn't start properly until next week when the tutorials and practicals start-up. I have to arrange a medical certificate for next week because my appointment at surgical clinics coincides with a lecture and, because those appointments never run to time, I might miss the first practical as well. Thankfully my ailments are visible to all. Unlike my mental illness.

Kahlia1981 · 28-07-2009, 09:44 AM

I am extremely stressed at the moment. The majority of which is caused by the fact that I cannot sign up for one of my practicals. I have informed the lecturer but haven't had a reply. It's the only practical that I can attend as I have clashes otherwise with tutorials and lectures. I've just taken my nighttime meds and an extra Xanax tablet. Hopefully I'll calm down soon

Kahlia1981 · 30-07-2009, 01:04 PM

Well my olanzapine has been increased after my visit with the GP today. My lithium levels are only just within the therapeutic range. My GP and I decided that we would give it a few weeks and then perhaps increase the dose. He also prescribed me some stronger painkillers for my shoulder.

This evening my mood dropped and was noticed by my flatmate. I actually feel suicidal and have a suicide plan but thankfully I do not have the means available to act on this thoughts. My flatmate believes it is caused by the stress of my physical and mental illnesses and university so I have decided to go on a leave of absence from university until I can get my health under control. It pains me that I can't study the way I want to but if I get this stressed with just lectures then how would I cope with tutorials and practicals and with mid-semester and final exams.

I really could do with some hugs if anyone reads this and has some to spare.

Kahlia1981 · 01-08-2009, 06:53 AM

It's funny but I just realised something:

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Talk of suicide

I just want to curl up in a corner and cry.

shadowedseraph · 01-08-2009, 05:37 PM

*hugs Kahalia* thats a really distressing day for you can you not chat to your flatmate about it, or maybe call someone?

Kahlia1981 · 04-08-2009, 06:03 AM

I got my cast off yesterday and have been given exercises to do until I see the physio on Friday. I've also been given gentle exercises for my shoulder. No physio for that yet.

I don't have a lot to say at the moment. I'm feeling a bit down but that will improve hopefully.