Not knowing

[one_step_closer]

It sounds like things are still a bit difficult. I hope that with more time things will become clearer and settle and you can go home and enjoy your life and be safe. That's a shame that you can't have leave with your family right now. Hopefully you can have some safe leave with staff soon and build up to leave with your family. Are you still having regular visits?

[long road]

Not wanting to cut your neck is good progress. If that continues make sure to mention it in next ward round.

I don't think you are evil but understand you want to hear that from the exorcist to give you evidence.

If you don't want to cut your neck do you still think you would want to try and runaway from staff to harm?

If they won't budge on staff supervised leave first over family supervised leave can you think of what the safest place to go with staff would be? Must be frustrating to try advocate for your own safety and not be listened to.

[tamobhuuta]

I think I'm going to take leave this afternoon, just to the hospital cafe.

[tamobhuuta]

Had a long post, got deleted, basically I'm tempted to run once I'm off hospital grounds. That wasn't my intention when I asked for leave.

[long road]

Can you try and ask yourself what th consequences of those thoughts would be? Would you be able to successfully run off? Are you willing to accept the consequences off running off? E.g. Them sending the police to find you, losing access to future leave and having to stay in hospital longer, being restrained by staff outside.

I hope you can avoid acting on the urge to run.

[tamobhuuta]

I phoned my CPN and he said to tell staff. However the only staff member whose accent I understand is in the office and refusing visitors.

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry that some possible good time off the ward has turned into something difficult. What's happening now?

[tamobhuuta]

I took the escorted leave and as soon as my legs stopped feeling like jelly I ran up the road. Got to Boots with my escort catching me up and tracking me round. I couldn't find the bloody blades. Then the rest of the response team wrestled me out of the shop and into the car, then from car to ward. They searched and scanned me to check I hadn't stolen anything and gave me PRN. Then I texted A because he'd asked to be kept informed. Then I had a really good chat with two other women.

[one_step_closer]

That sounds so distressing. I'm sorry you went through all that. How are you today?

[tamobhuuta]

Partly on edge, ready to give it another go, partly exhausted and not wanting to be wrestled out of Boots again.

[one_step_closer]

Please try and focus on moving forward from here. Trying to do that again is just repeating the same stuff and being stuck. If there is someone on you can talk to then it might help to do that. Can you try and remember the things you said you wanted for your future? They are achievable without harm. If you have some concentration you could write down some ideas of safe ways to make things feel a bit better.

[tamobhuuta]

I keep thinking, if I'd done it right I would have succeeded, therefore I need to try again. But today I need to rest.

[one_step_closer]

You might not have succeeded, what makes you so sure? It would likely only make things worse. I hope you can rest today and have a different attitude tomorrow. You can do this the safe way.

[tamobhuuta]

Thank you.

[tamobhuuta]

R is having trouble liaising with Fr RJ so he's going to come and see me Tuesday after next and pray with me. I always like his visits, he is very helpful.

[tamobhuuta]

There are no ward rounds this week so I am stuck with no leave. I was planning to make another go of it tomorrow. People probably think I should be better without the Man but really he's just the icing on the cake.

[long road]

That sucks no ward rounds. But probably for best you don't get a chance to escape. It would likely end the same as last time.

Hope you can look forward to visit with R next Tuesday

[one_step_closer]

What's making things so difficult? There was a point where you were focused on a more positive future.

[tamobhuuta]

I don't know. For some reason the implant has become much more important again.

[tamobhuuta]

I was looking at the contraceptive implant. That gets inserted without a mark. But you can feel it. Problem is my neck has quite a few scars now so I don't know if I can feel it.