It's been a long time but things are getting bad - Page 12

long road · 14-06-2023, 05:05 PM

I napped. Still don't feel quite right but at least the headache has gone. It being a calmer version of whatever was going on yesterday might make sense.

I am not really sure. Had a very off kilter dream during my nap. Snuggled my cuddly lion which helped me drift off. Something is unsafe but everything is like it normally is here at home

one_step_closer · 14-06-2023, 05:23 PM

Feeling that something is still unsafe despite seeing that things around you are going normally must be scary. Can you tell yourself you may be mistaken and it's just a horrible feeling? Is it this evening you're supposed to be doing some role playing?

long road · 14-06-2023, 06:10 PM

I ended up fessing up to a little of what is going on to my partner as they walked in room while I was typing and got concerned about the upset look on my face when they were talking to me. I hadn't tuned into what they were saying and was making the face thinking about the unsafeness. I did downplay it though.

I am not sure how to shake it so just focusing on tying to distract myself. Have roleplaying this evening to focus on. I have a Wednesday game and a Friday game usually.

one_step_closer · 14-06-2023, 06:35 PM

Why did you downplay things with your partner? I hope you can stay distracted and get some enjoyment from role play.

long road · 14-06-2023, 06:40 PM

Feels like a thing I need to hide. Feels too mad. Too dangerous. Too much. Got to keep him safe. And he would ask how he could help and I don't know. Just something I have to face up to alone.

Going to help make dinner now. Thank you for all your replies last couple of days Lindsay. Much appreciated.

one_step_closer · 14-06-2023, 06:50 PM

Those are scary feelings but I think it would be ok if you told him, if it would help you just that he knows even if he can't do anything. You don't really need to face it alone but if that's what you 'want' to do right now that's ok. Just look after yourself. Keep posting here if it helps. I hope you enjoy your dinner. You're welcome to my support (even if it's pretty rubbish) any time.

long road · 14-06-2023, 07:17 PM

I think maybe I should tell him. If it was someone else I would tell them to tell their person. But I am having trouble being rational about it. Feels too dangerous. And I can't face it all head on, it feels like if I do it will get worse. I don't want to talk about it to GP or anything, there is nothing they could do. If I was still in therapy then maybe I would talk to my psychologist but I don't trus tanyone else with this.Well apart from RYL. I haven't even told my irl friend who knows about my mentals.

Partner at least knows what happened during physio session as does physio because they were there and I was honest in that moment.

one_step_closer · 14-06-2023, 08:03 PM

If you would give that advice to someone else then even if it feels hard to do then you should take that advice for yourself. Who would be the easiest person to tell? It doesn't have to turn into something huge with lots of people knowing right now. I hope you can do whatever is best for you.

long road · 14-06-2023, 11:11 PM

It's a bit naive but I am kind of hoping it wil just be gone in the morning and I won't have to tell anyone.

Roleplaying was good fun and the feeling has lessened. Maybe it just me being hyper vigilant rather than something actually being there. Idk. It would be easiest to tell my friend E but they would probably also gently try and get me to tell my partner so he can keep me safe if needed / be on lookout for anything getting worse.

But I don't want him monitoring me, at least not more than he already does as my carer by checking on me if I make odd noises or there is a crash and I am in another room (in case I fell due to a non-epileptic seizure).

It's probably just a threat thing linked in with FND and the fact my flight fight freeze response goes into overdrive. Triggered by the moment in the physio session where physio accidentally caused pain at back of my neck because stuff from behind is a trigger for me. Probably just a memory and feeling threatened rather than getting proper hallucinations.

I don't want it to be more than that and to have to deal with psychiatrists and trying to find a med I can take that doesn't affect prolactin. I think quetapine doesn't but that zombified me years ago. I have enough going on with FND ( with it's weird mix of mental illness and neurological) and asthma. And a part of me feels like if I don't tell anyone irl I can still dismiss it.

Feel a bit stupid refusing to seek help that I know I might need I just can't right now. I am probably making it a bigger thing that it is. And I am sorry for being difficult. I don't want to face it alone that's why I am posting here I think. But I am not feeling brave enough to face up to it properly yet.

long road · 15-06-2023, 08:54 AM

I told partner a tiny bit more about what has been going on. Told him that had felt something was there and that something was watching me. But not how scared it has made me or how much it has been affecting me. Still I guess small steps.

long road · 15-06-2023, 10:46 PM

Opened up a bit more to my partner and let out a couple of tears, we have a plan now. That if it gets worse or is still bothering me next week I will ask for help from GP or crisis line but for now I am just going to try and ride it out and see if it calms down on its own as there was an obvious trigger in physio session on Monday.

I still wish I had my old therapist to talk to because he understood me and was also very good at measured response and always involved me in my care and choices about telling people. I feel like he would be able to helpe
unpack what's going on and whether it is something to worry about but I do feel a bit better now I am not hiding quite as much

long road · 16-06-2023, 03:29 PM

Got a bit stressed with HR conversation. Something is watching me I looked behind there is nothing there. And yet I am being watched I can feel the eyes boring into the back of my head.

It can't be real. It just the stress right? And if it's just stress it's not getting worse and I don't have to tell anyone.

one_step_closer · 16-06-2023, 05:50 PM

Stress can trigger things and you also seem to have had a lot of other things triggering you recently. I know it's scary to talk to people about it but it might stop it from getting worse (not saying it is going to get worse). Please try to keep talking to your partner so he can keep and eye on things and he would maybe know if it would be helpful for you to tell someone else.

long road · 16-06-2023, 06:04 PM

I guess I have been posting a lot more than usual I have done 4 whole pages of this thread in last month. Which is an indicator things have been harder. My asthma playing up has been very stressful especially having paramedics in the house. And steroids really mess with me mentally and I have been on them twice in last month.

I know in theory that talking to someone might be helpful but I am not sure if I can handle assessments and things right now and I'd have to have one because I am not under CMHT. I don't have the energy to explain my mental health history. Although they will have notes from back in 2015 and more recently from my psychologist who is not part of CMHT but is part of same trust as them.

It's being suggested before by professional that I could ring the nhs urgent mental health helpline if I need crisis support but it's not quite crisis territory just a lot of stress that I am just about coping with. It's progress that I am getting these symptoms rather than just shutting down with dissociation or non epileptic seizures.

I know stuff that's happening isn't the best of signs but I am safe, I am in control. Even if my brain doesn't think so all the time/ wishes it didn't have to be.

And I really don't feel able to talk to a stranger but it's unlikely I get an emergency appointment with my GP. It will just be whoever is on duty and he might pop his head in if they ask. And anyway it's the weekend now.

I am mostly letting my partner know what going on, just maybe not how much it's affecting me. Keeping a lot of that turmoil inside. Which I know isn't healthy but without therapy I don't quite know what to do with it other than write on here like I have been.

long road · 19-06-2023, 02:54 PM

Feeling trapped. Like there's a pressure bearing down on me and a force trying to control me. And it's all I can do not to break under the pressure.

Got a surge of suicidal thoughts, and my partner was out I could have acted on the thoughts or got out of the house to give me time to decide. But I managed to stay put, stay safe and he's home with the click and collect order now.

I even managed to tell him about feeling trapped and wanting to run when he got home. Didn't mention the suicidal bit but telling anyone irl anything right now is really hard so it's a good start.

Not sure how to deal with this feeling. For now I am cuddly my cuddly animals just trying to stay safe and not get consumed by this wrong feeling

I just don't know

one_step_closer · 19-06-2023, 03:38 PM

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Feeling trapped how/where? Very well done for managing the suicidal thoughts when your partner was away and for letting him know about some of the things you're going through. I hope it becomes easier for you to share things. Can you put more words to the feeling? Describe it in almost concrete terms that might show up different emotions etc that you have coping mechanisms for rather than it seeming like one overwhelming feeling? You can get through this safely. I believe in you.

long road · 19-06-2023, 03:49 PM

Nothing really makes sense and its hard to put into words. Trapped is kind of trapped inside my own head but like I don't feel fully connected to my body so my head and me is kind of separate. And it slike everything is closing in.

one_step_closer · 19-06-2023, 04:27 PM

Could you be dissociating? It all sounds like so much and scary to feel trapped and like everything is closing in. Does anything safe help to make you feel more in control?

long road · 19-06-2023, 04:40 PM

I might be dissociating it feels different to usual though. If I was grounding would possibly help. I gues I could try it seems too much effort though, I did try meditating earlier which sometimes helps.

I am still feeling trapped but the suicidal thoughts seemed to have lessened in intensity for now. I think it was my brain looking for a way out of being trapped. Feel a little safer because of my cuddly animals and talking a bit.

I am in pain as well which won't be helping. But I did take some painkillers a few hours ago to try and help with that. And will do some neck stretches.

long road · 19-06-2023, 06:44 PM

The need to get out is building again. Get out do something. I likely will not act on it, but just having the thoughts and the trapped feeling that has caused the thoughts is hard enough.

The main reason I don't act is to not hurt or worry my partner. I guess if I stop caring whether he gets hurt then that's when I really have to worry I might do it. Thing is with the dissociation added into he mix sometimes I do stuff without fully being in control sort of acting on impulse.

And right now I don't actually want to die I just don't want to feel this away anymore.